One thing that I have learned about blogging. Since your past posts are archived, you can go back to previous posts, and re-read some amazingly prescient posts.

From August 6 of LAST year...

A Grim Favre Tale...
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brett.
Brett was a spoiled little girl, but well-liked by the dairy farmers and
hayseeds in her town. She brought the town some notoriety with her cake-making
skills. Although she occasionally blew up the kitchen with some bad ideas, she
also made some amazing cakes and had actually won an trophy… once.

And
the town leaders overlooked all of Brett’s faults because of that ONE award,
despite all of the blow-ups. One day, Brett decided that she had made enough
cakes, and wanted to retire. The town leaders threw a big gala in her honor and
gave Brett a key to the city and a parade. Another baker was brought in to make
cakes. There was peace.

But people kept whispering in Brett’s ear “You
can still make cakes”. Brett heard those whispers and believed. So, months
later, the town leadership was rocked when Brett announced “I can still make
cakes. I want to go to VikingLand to make cakes.”

But the town leaders
said “VikingLand is our sworn enemy. You cannot go to VikingLand unless we allow
it. And we will not allow it.”

Brett said, “Well, if you will not allow
it, I want to make cakes again here.”

“But we’ve already replaced you.
There is no room for two cake-makers in our town”

“I wish to challenge
the new cake-maker to a duel then. Then you will see that I am the superior
cake-maker.”

“We do not care if you might be slightly better now. We are
thinking of the future of our town. And this cake-maker will be here for many
years. You will just leave the next time you feel tired.”

Brett began to
cry. Some of the dairy farmers became angry at the town leaders. “We can still
have one more year of Brett’s cakes!”, they argued.

“Suppose Brett blows
up the kitchen and makes no good cakes? We will have wasted our new baker for
nothing. No, Brett should stay retired.”

But Brett was not only a
spoiled little girl, she was also a vindictive psycho bitch. She went to the
good(ell) king of the entire territory to plead her case. “I am more famous than
the other baker. I have brought much gold into this territory. Make them let me
go to VikingLand!”

The king looked at Brett from behind his piles and
piles of gold. “Yes, you have brought much gold into this territory. However,
you overestimate your value because we would have had this gold anyway. I can
only force them to keep you, but I cannot dictate what else they do with you.”

“Then do it! I can still make cakes! I will show them!”

So the
king told the town they must allow Brett to share the bakery. But the town
leaders were smart, much smarter than Brett. They told Brett that he would only
get leftover flour, old pans, and whatever scraps of frosting he could find to
make his cakes. “You cannot make good cakes if we do not allow you. You betrayed
our trust by demanding a trip to VikingLand, and for that, you will pay.”

Brett began to cry again. By now, even the dairy farmers were weary of
Brett’s tears. “Go to the Bay of Tampa. Or the town of York. We no longer
care.”Brett did not understand. “I am a great cake-maker! The Earl of Madden
proclaimed me as the greatest cake-maker ever!”

The dairy farmers
snorted their disgust. “The Earl of Madden is a corpulent fool. You have only
won ONE cake-making trophy, and that was many years ago. Since that trophy, you
have blown up more kitchens than you have baked cakes. Your time has passed.”

And so it was that Brett, once the pride of the town, was dispatched to
the town of York to make cakes... York was ecstatic because they had not had a
good baker for many years. The town was ecstatic because they kept their young
baker. The scribes were happy because Brett was still making cakes or blowing up
kitchens. The only unhappy person was Brett, who wished she had stayed retired.

The saga continues, as the rotting corpse of Brett Favre signs with the Vikings, further ruining whatever legacy he may have had. Remember, he won as many Super Bowls as Mark Rypien and Trent Dilfer. He threw more interceptions than anyone in NFL history. His main claim to fame at this stage is the dogged man-love from John Madden.

And I can't even blame him. The Vikings are paying him $25 MILLION BUCKS to throw for 15 TDs and 20 INTs. Hell, I'd take some snaps for that kind of coin.

If you're the first paramedic on the scene at Jacko's house, what do you do after you kick the naked, crying Cub Scout troop out of the room?

a) Start filling a pillowcase with memorabilia and get a Craigslist account?
b) Start snapping photos and start a tabloid bidding war?
c) Perform CPR on the hideously deformed child molester?
d) Call Mary Kate Olsen and tell her to pick up her prescription drugs
e) Check his pockets for loose change
f) Tiptoe out and pretend your radio is broken

Even monkeys learn from mistakes...

Softball season starts tonight. Or as MrsCommish calls it, “Countdown until Todd’s next catastrophic injury because he still thinks he’s in his 20’s even though he’s in his mid-40’s” Let’s recap the past three softball seasons, shall we?

2006 – After tweaking my left shoulder careening down a waterslide at 40 mph during our Arizona vacation, I caused more permanent damage by diving for a ground ball going up the middle. Oh sure, it was a spectacular play to dive to my left, snare a ground ball, and roll over and blindly flip the ball to the 2nd baseman for a forceout. But it almost certainly led to a shoulder impingement and two months of physical therapy (which didn’t stop me from playing out the year).

2007 – I was on third base with one out, and the batter chopped a ground ball to the shortstop, who looked me back to the base, and threw to first. As soon as he turned to throw, I broke for home. As I’m crossing the plate, someone whacked me on the back of the leg with a hockey stick… or so I thought. Everyone in the stands, including Laurie, thought I was diving across the plate, and cheered my hustle. Meanwhile, I was laying in a crumpled mass against the backstop, grabbing my hamstring, and yelling in pain. Pulled hamstring, out two weeks, attempted a premature comeback, out four more weeks.

2008 – I was in left-center this time (slow-pitch softball has interesting defensive configurations). Pop-up behind the second base bag, I came barreling down, and slid along the grass with my left leg extended and my right leg tucked under my left knee. As I made the catch, I realized that my left leg had stuck in the grass about two feet behind me, and my left knee had made a horrible popping sound. I flipped the ball to the infield, and, as Trevor put it, “rolled from left field to right field”, screaming in pain. Honestly, I KNEW I had blown my knee. The popping sound was a dead giveaway. But, being a good team player and complete asshat, I finished the game anyway.

No major swelling, but after some Internet research, I self-diagnosed a torn meniscus, and after an MRI confirmed my incredibly accurate diagnosis, I went to see an orthopedic surgeon, who recommended surgery to repair the meniscus (of course he recommended surgery… he’s a SURGEON). So, I scheduled the surgery a week later, and a couple of days prior to the operation date, I got a call from the doctor’s office. “Dr. X won’t be able to do your surgery, would you like to reschedule with another doctor?” “Uh, what happened with Dr. X?” “Oh, he had a heart attack. He won’t come back to work for a couple of months.” Lovely.

The next doctor was apparently not as cut-happy, and told me that surgery might not be necessary, and signed me up for physical therapy; like, THREE MONTHS of physical therapy. But the knee responded, and I managed to avoid the knife.

And I’m going back out there tonight. Stay tuned for further medical bulletins.

Golden Globes

Some quick post-Golden Globes thoughts:

You KNOW I hate the Golden Globes, so I couldn’t let the most recent abomination pass without some commentary. OTOH, Wifey lurves the Globes, so this made for an interesting night in front of the new HDTV.

- Hollywood (liberal) + Foreign (liberal) + Press (liberal) = painfully, predictably LIBERAL

- Anytime “30 Rock” was up for an award, it would win. Not because it’s any better than any other show, but because the Hollywood Foreign Press wants people to watch it. Seriously, if it was really good, it wouldn’t be the 7634th rated show.

- And, Tina Fey, try to get it through your overrated, scarred Tootsie Pop of a head; with the slavish adulation of your peers and the liberal media, comes unwanted, unwelcome attention from people who don’t think you deserve it. If you can’t hack it, go back to Weekend Update, and the anonymity that came with it.

- Ricky Gervais was just what was needed. A person who didn’t take himself or the entire bloated extravaganza seriously. “Kate… didn’t I tell you that if you do a Holocaust film, the awards would come?” Priceless.

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really need to take their posse of Cambodian slaves refugees, and go away. We know you think you’re very important. We know you think you’re changing the world. We get it. Now go away.

- Tight buns in dresses = good. Tight buns in hair = not so good. Maybe some of the older women are using the hair buns to pull wrinkles tight, but it looks like they’re all ready to split their facial skin like Vincent d’Onofrio in Men in Black.

- Is Shirley MacLaine still alive? After seeing her in the audience, I’d have to say “No”.

- Heath Ledger’s victory was as predictable as “30 Rock”. Uh, he WAS excellent in “The Dark Knight”, and probably deserved the award. But to claim he had a “legacy” or an “incredible place in the history of cinema” was overstating his accomplishments by, I dunno, a ZILLION-FOLD. Unless, of course, you consider stupid, irresponsible use of prescription drugs and alcohol to be “incredible”. Most actors consider that “Saturday”. Hell, Mickey Rourke considers that "lunch".

Odd that nobody seems to be talking about this latest fiasco from our completely corrupt and financially incompetent friends in Congress led by the botox-riddled corpse of Nancy Pelosi.

Another bailout. Except this isn’t for an important part of the financial infrastructure, nor is it for an industry that has been over-regulated by Congressional acts and presidential ineptitude. NO, this is purely as a political favor for the U.S. automakers; a group that has long resisted modernization, demanded protection from better managed foreign companies, and continually pumped out inferior products.

This will be an interesting test of the nascent Obama presidency. Clearly, the Pelosi-led Democrats are floating this bailout balloon to see how Obama reacts. If he’s going to be a presidential ATM for Congress, he’ll approve it without a second look. If he’s going to start out to be a slave to the polls, he’ll bide his time and make non-committal public statements about “looking into the issue”. Or if he might say “Enough is enough” and squelch this obvious political kickback.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone outside of Michigan or Capitol Hill actually thinks this bailout proposal is a good idea. Obama is around my age, so he surely remembers when the Japanese car manufacturers squeezed into the US market and quickly proved how archaic and antiquated American car manufacturers really were. Toyota, Datsun/Nissan, and Honda cars were better, more reliable, and more economical than the dinosaurs produced in Detroit.

Rather than actually IMPROVING their cars, the US automakers have long argued for protection from the Japanese in the form of tariffs. Consumers can see through this and have been willing to pay a premium for the better cars. But now Congress is not considering tariffs, they’re actually considering just a straight, no-strings-attached, taxpayer-funded DONATION to these corporate troglodytes.

Kind of a nice perk, don’t you think?. Run an entire industry into the ground with decades of incompetence and get a big check from the taxpayers.

Listen, I can understand propping up the banking industry. We don’t want a run on the banks to expose the fact that our currency is essentially an illusion. We don’t want the world economy to come to a screeching halt because the dollar collapses. I got that when I took Macroeconomics in my freshman year. Plus, a lot of the problems can be attributed to some government programs that failed. Fine, I GET IT.

But Ford, GM, and Chrysler? Those are businesses that could disappear TODAY and have no effect on the worldwide economy. People would just buy Toyotas and Nissans and Hyundais and Hondas and Mercedes and Volvos and Saabs and BMWs . Pretty much like we’ve been doing for the last 30 years.

Nancy Pelosi must be stopped! And Obama will hopefully be the guy who stops her.

OK, now that the dust is settling on the election and the media is already cooling on their anointed one, I’m ready to give the President-elect a chance to prove that he won’t be a socialist lapdog for Nancy Pelosi. But other matters are more pressing than even our faltering economy.

The Russians are already posturing with new weapons.

Israel and Palestine have already abandoned the cease-fire.

Kim Jong-Il might be dying. And dying insane dictators with nuclear ambitions tend to want to go out with a bang.

All you Americans that thought the economy was going to be the biggest problem for Obama were wrong. It’s international relationships, whether the “war on terror” or the new Cold War or the perpetual unrest in the Middle East or the rapidly deteriorating situation in China and Korea.

These are life and death.

The economy is just fucking money. Comparatively, no big deal.

There are already rumors that John Kerry is politicking to become Secretary of State. Oh, good lord, don’t let it happen. I would rather see Bill Clinton get the job. Granted, he might take huge bribes, er, speaking fees for each appearance, but at least he wouldn’t be laughed at for being a complete douche. Do even Democrats consider Kerry to be a suitable representative of the country at this point?

Put Colin Powell in. Now. Gain whatever international cred we lost during the Bush years.

The economy can wait. Seriously.

Welcome to Day One of the Welfare States of America!

Now that the American people have overwhelmingly shouted their love of government financing for everything and handouts to the ineffectual and useless, it’s time to put down our cardboard signs asking for food and/or money… and celebrate!

Once again, my fundamental faith in the stupidity of the American voter has been proven to be gospel as the media-worshipping sheep successfully voted in a Senator who has accomplished absolutely nothing in his two years of active Senate service, except for publishing two autobiographies.

Congratulations to the Obama machine, CNN, CBS, CNBC, ABC, and all of Europe. The media’s unprecedented adoration of your candidate resulted in the most lopsided media coverage since… well, ever. And we all learned another fundamental truth about the American people: they will believe what they see on television. And this might ultimately be the lesson that the world takes from this debacle.

"When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic." – Ben Franklin


Other thoughts on this post-election day:

o Sun came up… check. I’m relatively healthy… check. Wife and kids are healthy… check. Work sucks… check. Life goes on.

o OK, like I said before, I really don’t care if gays get married, but the law is the law. Gay marriage has been voted down TWICE in California, of all states! Take a hint, people.

o The amazing thing is that Proposition 8 lost in a state where Obama completely obliterated McCain 61%-37%. Even if one assumes that every single McCain vote = a “Yes” vote, that means about a quarter of the Obama supporters joined them in voting against gay marriage. Think about that. Oh, and I know at least one person who voted for McCain and against Prop 8.

o Equally amazing is the overwhelming success of Prop 2, what I call the Chicken Liberation Act. Apparently, chickens and pigs in California felt neglected and cramped in their cages before they were slaughtered to make delicious KFC buckets and yummy bacon slabs. So, in an appeal to the bleeding hearts, pictures of chickens in itty-bitty cages were shown as evidence of the cruelty towards our future meals, and it worked.

Now, here’s where it becomes pretty clear that these liberal whiners don’t think things through. What do you think will happen to those chickens now? Do you think that the chicken and livestock farmers will suddenly spring for chicken condos and pig apartments to follow the law? Or do you think they’ll just pack up their undersized coops and pigsties and mosey on over to a less humane state? One thing for sure, the price of those whole fryers just got a whole lot higher. And not one single chicken was spared. Imagine that.

o Last night on HBO, I watched a documentary about the US Olympic Hockey team’s transcendent Gold Medal victory in 1980. They pointed out just how far down America was during the financially disastrous Carter administration with double-digit unemployment, double-digit inflation, the Iranian hostage crisis, the Cold War, and a nationwide malaise. And they pointed out how this scrappy band of hockey unknowns was needed to raise the spirits of an entire nation by beating our mortal enemy of the time, and the best hockey team in the world, the USSR.

So, watch out for the US Diving Team against the Chinese in 2012!!

o Nancy Pelosi won her seat in the House of Representatives. Considering she oversaw the biggest financial collapse in 80 years, her re-election shouldn’t have been so easy, but San Francisco liberals are funny that way.

o Al Franken is neck-and-neck in Minnesota to be elected to the Senate. HHH, Mondale, Jesse the Body, and now Al Franken? What…, was Joe Piscopo busy?

o Just so you know, I received at least two write-in votes for Vice-President.