The Commish's Desk

2010-10-04T22:41:00.001-07:00

Nobody asked for my opinion on this, but in case Brian Sabean and Bruce Bochy are curious, the 25-man playoff roster should be:

C (2) Posey, Whiteside – Yeah, Whiteside only gets in if Buster gets hurt or if one of the games goes 14 innings (or the Giants go up 18-0 in a game)

1B (2) Huff, Ishikawa – Ishikawa is the top LH pinch hitter, but probably won’t make the field as a defensive replacement unless again, the game gets out of hand

2B (2) FrSanchez, Fontenot – Freddy is way too fragile to expect him to play every inning of every game, plus Fontenot has proven to be a scrappy little hitter

SS (2) Uribe, Renteria – Renteria is a bubble guy, but might be used as a pinch hitter against Wagner because of his big 2-run bomb off Wagner in April.

3B (1) Sandoval – Fontenot is effectively the backup, or Renteria plays SS and Uribe slides over

OF (5) Burrell, Torres, Ross, Guillen, Schierholtz – This is the best combination of hitting, fielding, and running. I know Guillen bugs people, but who else off the bench could hit a home run…. Renteria? Ishikawa? I don’t think so. Besides, Bochy started him EVERY game against San Diego during the last weekend. That has to count for something.

SP (4) Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez, Bumgarner – Well, duh.

CL (1) Wilson

RP (6) RamRam, Affeldt, Casilla, Lopez, Romo, Mota

BUBBLE and out: Rowand, Zito ($186M of suck)

Definitely out : Ray, Velez, Burris, Ford, Runtzler

2010-07-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

· Buy stock in Paula Creamer. While not in Annika Sorenstam’s league golf-wise (no one really is), she has more than enough camera appeal and personality to be a powerful force in the endorsement world, much more so than the gawky, dog-faced Michele Wie. The fact that she’s from my current hometown and was born in the same hospital as my kids has nothing to do with it. [Me, 6/20/05]

Props to Pleasanton native Paula Creamer, who is taking a victory lap at the US Women's Open.

And props to me for seeing the potential five years ago.

Not a new post, it's four years old...

2010-02-17T15:15:00.000-08:00

The Commish’s Guide to the Winter Olympics

Now that the games have officially started (except in California where the opening ceremonies have been tape delayed just so they can squeeze a few more million out of Budweiser), and most of these so-called “sports” aren’t in the American consciousness during non-Olympic years, I feel compelled to offer my Guide to the Olympic Quasi-sports, including my level of “sport” with Rollerball (the James Caan version, not the Marky Mark version) getting a 10, and taking a dump (or rhythmic gymnastics or ice dancing) getting a 1.

Alpine Skiing – AKA “Go that way. If something gets in your way, turn.” Mostly, this consists of western Euros and Americans zooming down 60 degree slopes trying not to die. Couldn’t you win the downhill simply by rolling all the way down, like Bullwinkle? Or in some form of hamster ball, like you were in a giant game of Marble Madness? The slalom, Giant Slalom, and Super G all involve turns in increasing difficulty, though nobody knows what order and if the skier actually is on the proper side of the gate. My biggest complaint here is that the gates are made out of Giant Pixie Stix and actually bend when the skier pushes them with his hands. This is supposed to be a test of tight turning ability… ? Make those fucking gates out of tetherball poles and we’ll see who can turn the sharpest. Can you imagine the GONG sound of a guy hitting a gate then? Now that would be a sport. My way = 9, the real way = 3

Biathlon – Cross Country skiing and rifle shooting. Seriously, it sounds like a good test, if we’re thinking of invading Siberia. But a sport? If they add chugging a beer at every station, you’d basically have “getting dinner” in Canada. Either way = 4

Bobsled – I’m not big on driving being a sport, especially when gravity is the primary accelerant. Oh sure, they have that whole running start thing that always results in some major wipeout and a bobsled making it to the bottom sans occupants. But that’s part of the problem. See, this is a sport like Soapbox Derby or Pinewood Derby (remember Boy Scouts?) is a sport. If you made them go down the track six at a time and a good start got you the hole shot, maybe it’s more of a sport. Or had more tetherball poles as obstacles (notice a trend?). As is, it’s a 2 (and Nascar is a 3 or 4)

Cross-Country – Skiing on the flats. Wow. Next, walking up a hill will be an Olympic Sport. I’m telling you, if PreCor was a sport, my wife would be a contender. Anything you can buy on late night tv to exercise in your house and slide under your bed shouldn’t be an Olympic anything. Maybe stretching on a BowFlex should be a sport too. This is a cardio exercise, not a sport. 3 (you’ll notice that you get an extra point for shooting a rifle and calling it Biathlon)

Curling – Shuffleboard on steroids and on ice. I’ll be honest… it looks like it would be kinda fun to try. Those freakin’ stones weigh over 40 lbs, so it ain’t for complete wimps. But essentially, it’s just a cold horizontal dart board, and the sweeping is kinda spastic looking. I think it’d be fun to throw back a few beers and try it just to see what I could break, but that makes it outdoor lawn darts, and not a sport. 2.5

Figure Skating – Aside from watching flexible underage girls show their panties, this is just dancing on skates. And if I wanted to see flexible underage girls show their panties, I would just check Donkeypuncher's laptop. The closest this ever came to being a sport is when Tonya whacked Nancy. Here’s a quick tell… if it includes males in sequined unitards, it ain’t a sport. Now, if you combined this with the Biathlon, and had the X-country skiers shooting at the figure skaters, well, then you might have me. 1.5

Freestyle Skiing – Since when is this an Olympic sport? I guess the X-Games forced their hand… At best, this is a 2.5. The following SNL memory gets an 8.

Great moments in freestyle skiing history (from snltranscripts.jt.org)

Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it's a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he's doing very well - and there's a very nice move - uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he's gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place.. [ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! [ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]
Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom.. [ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ] Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time.. no, no! No, he's getting up! [ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ] Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
Tom Tryman: I can't believe he's going for the finish line.. and - [ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ] Oh, no! Again.. again, he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.

Ice Hockey – Finally, a real sport! Still, with the lack of REAL checking from those weakling Euros, not as good as the Stanley Cup for drama. The skill level is there, just not the intensity of a Game Seven overtime game. A solid 7.

Luge – AKA gravity. Hell, might as well make shovel racing an Olympic sport. After that, snowball throwing and snowman building. Any self-respecting Minnesotan or Wisconsonian went on more dangerous courses than these wusses, albeit not in skin-tight leotards. Going down that big hill behind the farm on a shovel and trying to make the turn before the big tree… now that’s driving. Again, with gravity being the main propulsion system, no more a sport than sitting on a slide at the corner park. It’s a 2.

Nordic Combined – I think this has something to do with combining results from downhill skiing and ski-jumping. As it is, why do the Nords get a sport just for them? Might as well have an Olympic Sport called American Combined and have it combine the results from basketball and poker. I’m stunned that the DNC hasn’t jumped all over this and asked that they remove “Nordic” and call it the “Multi-Racial Combined” since Nordic implies that only white people can do it. Anyway, while ski-jumping is cool, combining shit just for the hell of it doesn’t deserve Olympic consideration. 3.

Short Track – Roller Derby on ice. Much cooler than regular speed skating because of the physicality and the “trading paint” aspects. Like I said yesterday, if they added throwing elbows and clotheslining and arm-whipping teammates, would immediately become the most popular Winter Olympic sport. 5 with potential to become a 7.

Skeleton – Headfirst luge. That’s it. Er, most people call this “sledding”. They really need to add a camera on a metal post right in the middle of the track. You’d get some awesome facial expressions as racers come up on that and get ready to hit it. Again, this is part of growing up for most of you in the Midwest. 2.2 (extra points for going headfirst)

Ski-Jumping – This would be closer if they didn’t have style points. In fact, Ski-flying is just ski-jumping without the style points (I think). This is one of the only Olympic “sports” that I don’t sit there and say “I can do that”. Hell, I could sit on a bobsled, skate in a circle, ski around some plastic tubes, but there ain’t no way in hell I’m going off one of those fucking jumps and flying over a football field. Eddie the Eagle be damned, this ain’t for the faint hearted. These guys get full props for putting their lives on the line for a medal that you could get on Ebay. Even though gravity contributes the speed, these guys have BALLS. Think of it this way, if you put the luge on the rollercoaster track at the top of the Stratosphere, then that would be a sport I’d watch. 2 for true athletic ability (most of these guys are anorexic Western Euros and Nords), 8 for balls, averages out to a 5.

Snowboarding - Quick prediction, the gold medal winner will use the word “Dude” during the post-ceremony interview. This, like Figure Skating, gives names to acrobatically unlikely moves that have no rhyme or reason. “Oooh, Shane (all of them are named ‘Shane’) just hit that 1080 Iggster and followed it up with a gnarly DrPauly on the lip! He is really stoked!” Again, only here because of the younger demographic and the X-Games. 3 mainly because there’s no ballet like in the freestyle skiing.

Speedskating – Another prediction. We’ll see tape of Dan Jansen falling twice and then winning. It’s like they think that’s the only way people will watch this. Face it, it’s like watching the 5000-meter run or the marathon, only two at a time, like some sort of Nordic-Ice-torture. The 500-meters I’ll watch, just like I’ll watch the sprints during the Summer Games, but the longer races are just round and round and round and round and round… zzzzzzzzz….. Short track racing is where it’s at. Long track gets a 4.

Big Mac to go, please

2010-01-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Gee, Mark McGwire did steroids? Really?!

The only thing surprising about the whole cluster-fiick of a confession was the fact that he actually did it. After his Congressional embarrassment, I was sure that he’d be one of the last guys to admit his guilt (Bonds/Clemens will be the very last). Here are the NON-surprising aspects of the media-suckfest:

- He claimed he did it to recover from injuries (AKA, the Pettitte defense). This is so his equally pathetic toadies can point to the confession and say, "SEE? He was thinking about his team!" It’s amazing how quickly the toadies and ex-teammates lined up to take this perspective.

- He cried, ostensibly from the burden of the suppressing his emotions from the shame for so long. What about the burden of, oh, I don’t know…. LYING to your family and fans for fifteen years?!?! And maybe he cried because steroids suppress your testosterone production… did you ever think of that?

- He also claimed in the Costas interview, which instantly became the Frost/Nixon interview of baseball, that he would have hit just as many home runs without steroids, that it was his own "God-given skill". Uh-huh, that’s why you kept doing it for your entire career.

- Tony LaRussa leapt to his defense. Listen, if there’s one single person to blame for the entire steroid era, it’s LaRussa, who presided over Ground Zero for the steroid boom in MLB, and did nothing about it. So it’s totally unsurprising that LaRussa would spout idiocies like "I’m prouder of him now" after his new batting coach admitted to committing a felony. Well done, Tony. You’ve affirmed my long-held belief that you’re a complete douchebag.

- The timing. Let’s examine that a little more:
o He just got 25% of the Hall of Fame vote, meaning that his standing among HOF voters wasn’t improving. He clearly needed to do something different to get in. How about confessing? Hey, denying doesn’t seem to be working…
o He had just accepted a job as hitting coach for the Cards, and was no doubt in for more questions and more media scrutiny than any other hitting coach in history. Might as well try to head this thing off at the pass.
o It’s NFL playoff time. Most of the country isn’t talking about baseball, they’re more concerned with their Super Bowl pool. Let’s try to slip this through in the middle of the playoffs to shorten the shelf life.
o It’s also entirely possible that MLB demanded this mea culpa as a term of employment. Since McGwire’s endorsement deals are roughly comparable to mine, he might actually need the job, hence his newfound conscience, which was heretofore silent.

I’m still waiting for a ballplayer to come out and say, "Yeah, I did steroids. So what? You didn’t seem to give a shit when I hit 50 bombs and you showered me with awards. I was paid to hit the long ball, so I did my job." Instead, we get sniveling, pussified "confessions" about the pressures of performing. McGwire whined "I wish I didn’t play during the steroid era", like the era existed before he and Sosa decided to play Dr. Frankenstein with their bodies… like it was "the times", and not his own desires to keep up with his fellow Bash Brother (who incidentally comes off as the Oracle of Delphi).

Costas actually pressed him on some points, which surprised me. I thought that he would play the Oprah role of friendly shoulder-to-cry-on, but he took the baseball purist role, frequent jabbing at McGwire’s self-serving, rambling PR stunt. This type of self-indulgent pity party has become far too prevalent in America today. It started with the frequently mocked Jimmy Swaggart tearful confession… it became a staple of Diane Sawyer softball interviews with disgraced celebrities… and it’s led us to Big Mac’s wimpy, cathartic blubbering.

I’m sick of it. But I watched every minute of it.

2009-08-20T13:41:00.001-07:00

One thing that I have learned about blogging. Since your past posts are archived, you can go back to previous posts, and re-read some amazingly prescient posts.

From August 6 of LAST year...

A Grim Favre Tale...
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brett.
Brett was a spoiled little girl, but well-liked by the dairy farmers and
hayseeds in her town. She brought the town some notoriety with her cake-making
skills. Although she occasionally blew up the kitchen with some bad ideas, she
also made some amazing cakes and had actually won an trophy… once.

And
the town leaders overlooked all of Brett’s faults because of that ONE award,
despite all of the blow-ups. One day, Brett decided that she had made enough
cakes, and wanted to retire. The town leaders threw a big gala in her honor and
gave Brett a key to the city and a parade. Another baker was brought in to make
cakes. There was peace.

But people kept whispering in Brett’s ear “You
can still make cakes”. Brett heard those whispers and believed. So, months
later, the town leadership was rocked when Brett announced “I can still make
cakes. I want to go to VikingLand to make cakes.”

But the town leaders
said “VikingLand is our sworn enemy. You cannot go to VikingLand unless we allow
it. And we will not allow it.”

Brett said, “Well, if you will not allow
it, I want to make cakes again here.”

“But we’ve already replaced you.
There is no room for two cake-makers in our town”

“I wish to challenge
the new cake-maker to a duel then. Then you will see that I am the superior
cake-maker.”

“We do not care if you might be slightly better now. We are
thinking of the future of our town. And this cake-maker will be here for many
years. You will just leave the next time you feel tired.”

Brett began to
cry. Some of the dairy farmers became angry at the town leaders. “We can still
have one more year of Brett’s cakes!”, they argued.

“Suppose Brett blows
up the kitchen and makes no good cakes? We will have wasted our new baker for
nothing. No, Brett should stay retired.”

But Brett was not only a
spoiled little girl, she was also a vindictive psycho bitch. She went to the
good(ell) king of the entire territory to plead her case. “I am more famous than
the other baker. I have brought much gold into this territory. Make them let me
go to VikingLand!”

The king looked at Brett from behind his piles and
piles of gold. “Yes, you have brought much gold into this territory. However,
you overestimate your value because we would have had this gold anyway. I can
only force them to keep you, but I cannot dictate what else they do with you.”

“Then do it! I can still make cakes! I will show them!”

So the
king told the town they must allow Brett to share the bakery. But the town
leaders were smart, much smarter than Brett. They told Brett that he would only
get leftover flour, old pans, and whatever scraps of frosting he could find to
make his cakes. “You cannot make good cakes if we do not allow you. You betrayed
our trust by demanding a trip to VikingLand, and for that, you will pay.”

Brett began to cry again. By now, even the dairy farmers were weary of
Brett’s tears. “Go to the Bay of Tampa. Or the town of York. We no longer
care.”Brett did not understand. “I am a great cake-maker! The Earl of Madden
proclaimed me as the greatest cake-maker ever!”

The dairy farmers
snorted their disgust. “The Earl of Madden is a corpulent fool. You have only
won ONE cake-making trophy, and that was many years ago. Since that trophy, you
have blown up more kitchens than you have baked cakes. Your time has passed.”

And so it was that Brett, once the pride of the town, was dispatched to
the town of York to make cakes... York was ecstatic because they had not had a
good baker for many years. The town was ecstatic because they kept their young
baker. The scribes were happy because Brett was still making cakes or blowing up
kitchens. The only unhappy person was Brett, who wished she had stayed retired.

The saga continues, as the rotting corpse of Brett Favre signs with the Vikings, further ruining whatever legacy he may have had. Remember, he won as many Super Bowls as Mark Rypien and Trent Dilfer. He threw more interceptions than anyone in NFL history. His main claim to fame at this stage is the dogged man-love from John Madden.

And I can't even blame him. The Vikings are paying him $25 MILLION BUCKS to throw for 15 TDs and 20 INTs. Hell, I'd take some snaps for that kind of coin.

2009-06-25T17:58:00.001-07:00

If you're the first paramedic on the scene at Jacko's house, what do you do after you kick the naked, crying Cub Scout troop out of the room?

a) Start filling a pillowcase with memorabilia and get a Craigslist account?
b) Start snapping photos and start a tabloid bidding war?
c) Perform CPR on the hideously deformed child molester?
d) Call Mary Kate Olsen and tell her to pick up her prescription drugs
e) Check his pockets for loose change
f) Tiptoe out and pretend your radio is broken

Even monkeys learn from mistakes...

2009-03-30T12:13:00.001-07:00

Softball season starts tonight. Or as MrsCommish calls it, “Countdown until Todd’s next catastrophic injury because he still thinks he’s in his 20’s even though he’s in his mid-40’s” Let’s recap the past three softball seasons, shall we?

2006 – After tweaking my left shoulder careening down a waterslide at 40 mph during our Arizona vacation, I caused more permanent damage by diving for a ground ball going up the middle. Oh sure, it was a spectacular play to dive to my left, snare a ground ball, and roll over and blindly flip the ball to the 2nd baseman for a forceout. But it almost certainly led to a shoulder impingement and two months of physical therapy (which didn’t stop me from playing out the year).

2007 – I was on third base with one out, and the batter chopped a ground ball to the shortstop, who looked me back to the base, and threw to first. As soon as he turned to throw, I broke for home. As I’m crossing the plate, someone whacked me on the back of the leg with a hockey stick… or so I thought. Everyone in the stands, including Laurie, thought I was diving across the plate, and cheered my hustle. Meanwhile, I was laying in a crumpled mass against the backstop, grabbing my hamstring, and yelling in pain. Pulled hamstring, out two weeks, attempted a premature comeback, out four more weeks.

2008 – I was in left-center this time (slow-pitch softball has interesting defensive configurations). Pop-up behind the second base bag, I came barreling down, and slid along the grass with my left leg extended and my right leg tucked under my left knee. As I made the catch, I realized that my left leg had stuck in the grass about two feet behind me, and my left knee had made a horrible popping sound. I flipped the ball to the infield, and, as Trevor put it, “rolled from left field to right field”, screaming in pain. Honestly, I KNEW I had blown my knee. The popping sound was a dead giveaway. But, being a good team player and complete asshat, I finished the game anyway.

No major swelling, but after some Internet research, I self-diagnosed a torn meniscus, and after an MRI confirmed my incredibly accurate diagnosis, I went to see an orthopedic surgeon, who recommended surgery to repair the meniscus (of course he recommended surgery… he’s a SURGEON). So, I scheduled the surgery a week later, and a couple of days prior to the operation date, I got a call from the doctor’s office. “Dr. X won’t be able to do your surgery, would you like to reschedule with another doctor?” “Uh, what happened with Dr. X?” “Oh, he had a heart attack. He won’t come back to work for a couple of months.” Lovely.

The next doctor was apparently not as cut-happy, and told me that surgery might not be necessary, and signed me up for physical therapy; like, THREE MONTHS of physical therapy. But the knee responded, and I managed to avoid the knife.

And I’m going back out there tonight. Stay tuned for further medical bulletins.

Golden Globes

2009-01-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Some quick post-Golden Globes thoughts:

You KNOW I hate the Golden Globes, so I couldn’t let the most recent abomination pass without some commentary. OTOH, Wifey lurves the Globes, so this made for an interesting night in front of the new HDTV.

- Hollywood (liberal) + Foreign (liberal) + Press (liberal) = painfully, predictably LIBERAL

- Anytime “30 Rock” was up for an award, it would win. Not because it’s any better than any other show, but because the Hollywood Foreign Press wants people to watch it. Seriously, if it was really good, it wouldn’t be the 7634th rated show.

- And, Tina Fey, try to get it through your overrated, scarred Tootsie Pop of a head; with the slavish adulation of your peers and the liberal media, comes unwanted, unwelcome attention from people who don’t think you deserve it. If you can’t hack it, go back to Weekend Update, and the anonymity that came with it.

- Ricky Gervais was just what was needed. A person who didn’t take himself or the entire bloated extravaganza seriously. “Kate… didn’t I tell you that if you do a Holocaust film, the awards would come?” Priceless.

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really need to take their posse of Cambodian slaves refugees, and go away. We know you think you’re very important. We know you think you’re changing the world. We get it. Now go away.

- Tight buns in dresses = good. Tight buns in hair = not so good. Maybe some of the older women are using the hair buns to pull wrinkles tight, but it looks like they’re all ready to split their facial skin like Vincent d’Onofrio in Men in Black.

- Is Shirley MacLaine still alive? After seeing her in the audience, I’d have to say “No”.

- Heath Ledger’s victory was as predictable as “30 Rock”. Uh, he WAS excellent in “The Dark Knight”, and probably deserved the award. But to claim he had a “legacy” or an “incredible place in the history of cinema” was overstating his accomplishments by, I dunno, a ZILLION-FOLD. Unless, of course, you consider stupid, irresponsible use of prescription drugs and alcohol to be “incredible”. Most actors consider that “Saturday”. Hell, Mickey Rourke considers that "lunch".

2008-11-13T10:42:00.001-08:00

Odd that nobody seems to be talking about this latest fiasco from our completely corrupt and financially incompetent friends in Congress led by the botox-riddled corpse of Nancy Pelosi.

Another bailout. Except this isn’t for an important part of the financial infrastructure, nor is it for an industry that has been over-regulated by Congressional acts and presidential ineptitude. NO, this is purely as a political favor for the U.S. automakers; a group that has long resisted modernization, demanded protection from better managed foreign companies, and continually pumped out inferior products.

This will be an interesting test of the nascent Obama presidency. Clearly, the Pelosi-led Democrats are floating this bailout balloon to see how Obama reacts. If he’s going to be a presidential ATM for Congress, he’ll approve it without a second look. If he’s going to start out to be a slave to the polls, he’ll bide his time and make non-committal public statements about “looking into the issue”. Or if he might say “Enough is enough” and squelch this obvious political kickback.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone outside of Michigan or Capitol Hill actually thinks this bailout proposal is a good idea. Obama is around my age, so he surely remembers when the Japanese car manufacturers squeezed into the US market and quickly proved how archaic and antiquated American car manufacturers really were. Toyota, Datsun/Nissan, and Honda cars were better, more reliable, and more economical than the dinosaurs produced in Detroit.

Rather than actually IMPROVING their cars, the US automakers have long argued for protection from the Japanese in the form of tariffs. Consumers can see through this and have been willing to pay a premium for the better cars. But now Congress is not considering tariffs, they’re actually considering just a straight, no-strings-attached, taxpayer-funded DONATION to these corporate troglodytes.

Kind of a nice perk, don’t you think?. Run an entire industry into the ground with decades of incompetence and get a big check from the taxpayers.

Listen, I can understand propping up the banking industry. We don’t want a run on the banks to expose the fact that our currency is essentially an illusion. We don’t want the world economy to come to a screeching halt because the dollar collapses. I got that when I took Macroeconomics in my freshman year. Plus, a lot of the problems can be attributed to some government programs that failed. Fine, I GET IT.

But Ford, GM, and Chrysler? Those are businesses that could disappear TODAY and have no effect on the worldwide economy. People would just buy Toyotas and Nissans and Hyundais and Hondas and Mercedes and Volvos and Saabs and BMWs . Pretty much like we’ve been doing for the last 30 years.

Nancy Pelosi must be stopped! And Obama will hopefully be the guy who stops her.

2008-11-06T16:11:00.001-08:00

OK, now that the dust is settling on the election and the media is already cooling on their anointed one, I’m ready to give the President-elect a chance to prove that he won’t be a socialist lapdog for Nancy Pelosi. But other matters are more pressing than even our faltering economy.

The Russians are already posturing with new weapons.

Israel and Palestine have already abandoned the cease-fire.

Kim Jong-Il might be dying. And dying insane dictators with nuclear ambitions tend to want to go out with a bang.

All you Americans that thought the economy was going to be the biggest problem for Obama were wrong. It’s international relationships, whether the “war on terror” or the new Cold War or the perpetual unrest in the Middle East or the rapidly deteriorating situation in China and Korea.

These are life and death.

The economy is just fucking money. Comparatively, no big deal.

There are already rumors that John Kerry is politicking to become Secretary of State. Oh, good lord, don’t let it happen. I would rather see Bill Clinton get the job. Granted, he might take huge bribes, er, speaking fees for each appearance, but at least he wouldn’t be laughed at for being a complete douche. Do even Democrats consider Kerry to be a suitable representative of the country at this point?

Put Colin Powell in. Now. Gain whatever international cred we lost during the Bush years.

The economy can wait. Seriously.

2008-11-05T10:50:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Day One of the Welfare States of America!

Now that the American people have overwhelmingly shouted their love of government financing for everything and handouts to the ineffectual and useless, it’s time to put down our cardboard signs asking for food and/or money… and celebrate!

Once again, my fundamental faith in the stupidity of the American voter has been proven to be gospel as the media-worshipping sheep successfully voted in a Senator who has accomplished absolutely nothing in his two years of active Senate service, except for publishing two autobiographies.

Congratulations to the Obama machine, CNN, CBS, CNBC, ABC, and all of Europe. The media’s unprecedented adoration of your candidate resulted in the most lopsided media coverage since… well, ever. And we all learned another fundamental truth about the American people: they will believe what they see on television. And this might ultimately be the lesson that the world takes from this debacle.

"When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic." – Ben Franklin

Other thoughts on this post-election day:

o Sun came up… check. I’m relatively healthy… check. Wife and kids are healthy… check. Work sucks… check. Life goes on.

o OK, like I said before, I really don’t care if gays get married, but the law is the law. Gay marriage has been voted down TWICE in California, of all states! Take a hint, people.

o The amazing thing is that Proposition 8 lost in a state where Obama completely obliterated McCain 61%-37%. Even if one assumes that every single McCain vote = a “Yes” vote, that means about a quarter of the Obama supporters joined them in voting against gay marriage. Think about that. Oh, and I know at least one person who voted for McCain and against Prop 8.

o Equally amazing is the overwhelming success of Prop 2, what I call the Chicken Liberation Act. Apparently, chickens and pigs in California felt neglected and cramped in their cages before they were slaughtered to make delicious KFC buckets and yummy bacon slabs. So, in an appeal to the bleeding hearts, pictures of chickens in itty-bitty cages were shown as evidence of the cruelty towards our future meals, and it worked.

Now, here’s where it becomes pretty clear that these liberal whiners don’t think things through. What do you think will happen to those chickens now? Do you think that the chicken and livestock farmers will suddenly spring for chicken condos and pig apartments to follow the law? Or do you think they’ll just pack up their undersized coops and pigsties and mosey on over to a less humane state? One thing for sure, the price of those whole fryers just got a whole lot higher. And not one single chicken was spared. Imagine that.

o Last night on HBO, I watched a documentary about the US Olympic Hockey team’s transcendent Gold Medal victory in 1980. They pointed out just how far down America was during the financially disastrous Carter administration with double-digit unemployment, double-digit inflation, the Iranian hostage crisis, the Cold War, and a nationwide malaise. And they pointed out how this scrappy band of hockey unknowns was needed to raise the spirits of an entire nation by beating our mortal enemy of the time, and the best hockey team in the world, the USSR.

So, watch out for the US Diving Team against the Chinese in 2012!!

o Nancy Pelosi won her seat in the House of Representatives. Considering she oversaw the biggest financial collapse in 80 years, her re-election shouldn’t have been so easy, but San Francisco liberals are funny that way.

o Al Franken is neck-and-neck in Minnesota to be elected to the Senate. HHH, Mondale, Jesse the Body, and now Al Franken? What…, was Joe Piscopo busy?

o Just so you know, I received at least two write-in votes for Vice-President.

Answer me this...

2008-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm just going to say this one more time.

George W. Bush has not been a very good president and probably deserves most of his bad press and dismal approval ratings.

Congress has also been abysmal and deserves their bad press and dismal approval ratings.

Why would people re-elect their liberal (and conservative) Congresspeople then? Shouldn't the House flip over completely?

And why in God's name would people want to elect a rubber-stamp Presidential/Congressional pairing when nobody likes Congress to begin with?

Whatever happened to checks and balances?

Anyone who votes for an incumbent Congressperson and Barack Obama is an idiot. If you think the economy was FUBAR under Bush (and it was), it'll be 1,000 worse with a spend-happy Congress and a liberal rubber-stamp President.

If all of the rhetoric about "change" was legitimate, there's no way in hell you should be re-electing the Pelosi's and Frank's of the world. In other words, anyone who votes for Obama in the name of change, and still votes to re-elect their incumbent (whether liberal or conservative) is a hypocrite and/or an idiot.

2008-10-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

Regardless of your political affiliation, this pic is awesome!

2008-10-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

You are Temperance

Time. Ages. Transformation. Involuntary change

Temperance is another card of aspiration, but also of much change. It often
represents complex situations. Positively, you can harmonize contrary
forces.

Temperance is, on a surface level, about "tempering." The original pouring from cup to cup might have been about cutting wine with water. So this is a card about moderation. There is, however, another angle to the card, that of merging seemingly impossible opposites. Sagittarius, the centaur, merges beast and man into a unique creature. And then there is the bow and arrow, one moving, one stationary, working together to point the way. Temperance may be, at first glance, a warning for you to "temper" your behavior, to cut your wine with water. But it may also be a reminder to that seemingly irreconcilable opposites may not be irreconcilable at all. Belief that fiery red and watery blue cannot be merged may be the only thing standing in the way of blending the two. Change the belief, measure out each with care, and you can create otherworldly violet.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Uh, if anyone can explain WTF this means, let me know... I guess I'm not spiritual enough.

2008-10-08T15:25:00.001-07:00

A friend and I were discussing the liberal leanings of the entertainment industry, and guessing WHY so many celebrities and musicians are so adamantly left-wing, way farther left than pretty much any other subgroup in the general population.

“Hollywood is make-believe. They have no idea what the real world is like.” was his hypothesis. This probably has some validity, though most of these people spent at least SOME time as middle-class scrubs while they were trying to break into the glitz and glamour of celebrity.

I think it’s much more simplistic. They’re just plain stupid. They trumpet change from their limousines and their mansions in Bel Air. They spout liberal aphorisms about feeding the hungry and clothing the poor during their concerts with $400 front row seats and $1M gate receipts.

THEY JUST DON’T GET IT.

While they’re cashing their $10M check for their latest musical abomination in their Bahamian bank account (the better to avoid paying taxes), they’re complaining about John McCain and Sarah Palin using their songs during a commercial or considering coming to their concert.

Take all the money Barbra Streisand, Madonna, and the Dixie Chicks (and a whole bunch of anti-American rappers) pocket each year, and you could end starvation in this country by the end of the month. If you could pry it out of their hypocritically clenched little fists…

So, besides overt stupidity, why tout the Democratic party line? Is it noblesse oblige? [if you don’t know what it is, look it up] You might think so, if you attributed any sense of morals to any of these people. Clearly, Madonna doesn’t fall under this umbrella, since her morals are somewhere left of Sodom. Even Barbra decided to snuggle up to Bubba the Intern-Poker, so her moral compass is a little awry. No, it isn’t a moral obligation that motivates these people.

Part of me feels that some of it goes back to the Kennedy days, where Hollywood had a blatant position in the White House (that position was face down in the pillows). Even though the Kennedys likely killed Marilyn, they are still idolized as the ideal Democratic family, especially by the celebrity idiocracy. The counterculture and anti-establishment attitudes of the late sixties, popularized by the Beatles and Dylan, added to it. Even though the Democrats put us in Vietnam, if you ask the typical celebrity liberal, they’ll blame Nixon for the loss.

Now we have a brand new generation of brainless celebrity know-nothings, pumping out the ignorant vote for a completely vacant presidential candidate. Perhaps that’s it. They sense that the simplicity, idiocy, and inability to function productively in society is a trait they share with Obama, Kerry, Gore, and all the liberal candidates and concepts. Obama MUST be good, because he’s just like all of us in the entertainment industry: ignorant of national security, dishonest about relationships, undisciplined with money, ethically bankrupt, but Oprah likes us.

Yeah, that’s it.

2008-10-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

Here’s something that’s been bugging me (among other things)…

OK, we all agree that GW isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and that the War in Iraq was ill-conceived and mostly mismanaged…

And, we all agree that this whole financial cluster fuck is a bad thing, with the banks collapsing and the stock market tanking…

But why is everyone putting the economy on Bush’s back, when it’s CONGRESS that screwed up the banking regulations and put the Community Reinvestment Act on the books? If Bush is to blame for the War in Iraq, isn’t Congress equally culpable in the financial collapse and subsequent bailout?

So… we know Bush is out of a job in January… Shouldn’t we boot EVERYONE out of Congress, including the Democratic majority? After all, the financial collapse occurred under THEIR watch. Just as much as 9/11 occurred under Bush’s watch.

Am I the only person who notices the discrepancy in how the media handles these situations?
Am I the only person who notices that the liberals are horribly inconsistent in how they place blame in the case of a crisis?

Am I the only person who asks himself rhetorical political questions?

2008-09-19T11:04:00.001-07:00

Here’s a question that bears asking half the electorate:

Is the United States of America the greatest country in the world, full of freedoms and liberties and technologies and opportunities that the rest of the world envies?

If the answer is “Yes” (and it should be), why would we vote for “Change”?

It's official...

2008-08-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is the first Vice-Presidential candidate who I'd want to nail...

Let me be the first...

2008-08-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

Obama/Biden = I B A Bad Omen

Cheaters never prosper... unless they're the hosts

2008-08-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

Amidst all of the hubbub and acclaim given to China for the spectacle and grandeur of the Opening Ceremonies, some disturbing trends are starting to be seen.

I sat and watched the ladies soccer match between China and Canada, doing my damnedest to find some shred of athleticism or excitement in the game. Instead, I saw a diving exhibition by the Chinese team that made Peter Forsberg look like the Great Wall. Every single time anyone made contact with a Chinese player, they threw their body to the ground and writhed like Lindsay Lohan at a pajama party. Now, soccer players diving is not news. But this was being done on such a wide scale, it was obviously part of the game plan. One would hope that a nation with over a billion people could find eleven soccer players that could finish a game without needing to resort to such flagrant attempts at cheating.

Then last night, the Chinese girls’ gymnastics team was performing. I wasn’t even aware of a minimum age limit to the gymnastics competition until the announcers mentioned it, but the Chinese girls were so obviously underaged (or grossly underdeveloped), it was a mockery. I have a thirteen year old daughter, so I probably know the age group better than most, and there is NO WAY that some of those gymnasts were even fourteen, let alone sixteen years old. My wife, who typically loves gymnastics was ranting the whole time about how the Chinese were cheating. Then the IOC inadvertently magnified the crime by saying that each one of the girls had a government-issued passport verifying their ages.

Well, as long as their government gave them a passport with a date on it, IT MUST BE TRUE!

Unless of course, that government is in the host country that is trying to show the world stage what a great place they are, and is willing to do virtually anything to make the entire Olympics a positive referendum on their totalitarian society.

At least they didn’t cheat during the Opening Ceremonies…

Unless you consider cutting to a computer-generated feed to enhance the fireworks to make the ceremonies look even bigger cheating.

So, even when the Chinese look like they got something right, they cheated.

Now I’m doubting whether that little boy with Yao really pulled other children from the rubble of their school. Or whether he just won a government sponsored “Cute kid to propagandize the world” contest.

A Grim Favre Tale...

2008-08-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brett. Brett was a spoiled little girl, but well-liked by the dairy farmers and hayseeds in her town. She brought the town some notoriety with her cake-making skills. Although she occasionally blew up the kitchen with some bad ideas, she also made some amazing cakes and had actually won an trophy… once.

And the town leaders overlooked all of Brett’s faults because of that ONE award, despite all of the blow-ups.

One day, Brett decided that she had made enough cakes, and wanted to retire. The town leaders threw a big gala in her honor and gave Brett a key to the city and a parade. Another baker was brought in to make cakes. There was peace.

But people kept whispering in Brett’s ear “You can still make cakes”. Brett heard those whispers and believed. So, months later, the town leadership was rocked when Brett announced “I can still make cakes. I want to go to VikingLand to make cakes.”

But the town leaders said “VikingLand is our sworn enemy. You cannot go to VikingLand unless we allow it. And we will not allow it.”

Brett said, “Well, if you will not allow it, I want to make cakes again here.”

“But we’ve already replaced you. There is no room for two cake-makers in our town”

“I wish to challenge the new cake-maker to a duel then. Then you will see that I am the superior cake-maker.”

“We do not care if you might be slightly better now. We are thinking of the future of our town. And this cake-maker will be here for many years. You will just leave the next time you feel tired.”

Brett began to cry. Some of the dairy farmers became angry at the town leaders. “We can still have one more year of Brett’s cakes!”, they argued.

“Suppose Brett blows up the kitchen and makes no good cakes? We will have wasted our new baker for nothing. No, Brett should stay retired.”

But Brett was not only a spoiled little girl, she was also a vindictive psycho bitch. She went to the good(ell) king of the entire territory to plead her case. “I am more famous than the other baker. I have brought much gold into this territory. Make them let me go to VikingLand!”

The king looked at Brett from behind his piles and piles of gold. “Yes, you have brought much gold into this territory. However, you overestimate your value because we would have had this gold anyway. I can only force them to keep you, but I cannot dictate what else they do with you.”

“Then do it! I can still make cakes! I will show them!”

So the king told the town they must allow Brett to share the bakery. But the town leaders were smart, much smarter than Brett. They told Brett that he would only get leftover flour, old pans, and whatever scraps of frosting he could find to make his cakes. “You cannot make good cakes if we do not allow you. You betrayed our trust by demanding a trip to VikingLand, and for that, you will pay.”

Brett began to cry again. By now, even the dairy farmers were weary of Brett’s tears. “Go to the Bay of Tampa. Or the town of York. We no longer care.”

Brett did not understand. “I am a great cake-maker! The Earl of Madden proclaimed me as the greatest cake-maker ever!”

The dairy farmers snorted their disgust. “The Earl of Madden is a corpulent fool. You have only won ONE cake-making trophy, and that was many years ago. Since that trophy, you have blown up more kitchens than you have baked cakes. Your time has passed.”

And so it was that Brett, once the pride of the town, was dispatched to the town of York to make cakes... York was ecstatic because they had not had a good baker for many years. The town was ecstatic because they kept their young baker. The scribes were happy because Brett was still making cakes or blowing up kitchens. The only unhappy person was Brett, who wished she had stayed retired.

2008-08-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Michelle Wie missed the cut in a PGA men's tournament.

Michelle Wie didn't win on the LPGA tour.

The sky is blue.

Water is wet.

2008-07-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'll wear anyone's logo on a shirt for cash.

Anyone's.

Really.

It can even be exclusive.

Just send the logo and/or shirt and the cash.

People all over will see your logo.

Money well spent. Trust me.

Bow to the Master

2008-04-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

It was 1988. I was in my mid-20’s, working at a semiconductor company in the heart of Silicon Valley. I had shrewdly parlayed my marketing degree into a shitty $25K job, meting out GaAs FETs and laser diodes to companies like California Amplifier, Amplica, Scientific Atlanta, Laser Precision, and Photon Kinetics. We sold millions of these components, and I was the one passing them out every day to the deserving few.

This was the place I met the woman who would eventually consent to be my wife. But that’s not the story I’m telling right now.

It was a boom period for semiconductor companies. We were in what was called “allocation mode” which meant we had open orders for more products than our factory could produce. I might get 50,000 units of the MGF-1302-15 FET (used in amplifiers for satellites) in a given month, and 100,000 might be on backlog for our customers. I was the one who contacted the customers to determine their needs, and played God with the limited resources. Some for you, some for you, none for you, etc. You meet your production needs, your line goes down, you pay in advance, you go belly-up, etc.

I wasn’t actually the one who sent out the product, I just told our operations person who she should ship product to and when. Her name was Royce Woods. She was the one who had to sweet-talk the warehouse when we needed special packaging, she actually pulled the strings to get the stuff where it needed to go. She was (and still is) a round, friendly black woman. She loved to talk about her baby brother who was 12 or 13. Apparently, he had been winning junior golf tournaments in Southern California, and had been on TV, and blah blah blah.

I played a little golf too, though not very well, but being 24 and reasonably sure I would never have to prove it, told her to bring her brother up to Northern California, where I’d kick his ass. She laughed at me, and her brother never came and played me at the local pitch-and-putt, though apparently he continued to get better and better.

She brought him to the company Christmas party a few years later, after he had won the US Amateur two times in a row. She couldn’t wait to introduce me. “Tiger, this is Todd. He’s the guy I told you about.”

I shook his hand and he smiled that broad smile that everyone knows by now. I then stepped back and genuflected, embarrassing him, his sister, and my wife. I asked him if he was going to win three US Amateurs in a row. He smiled and said “I’ll try” before he was whisked away to schmooze with company VIPs. My wife looked at me, “I can’t believe you just did that” she said, “He seems nice.”

I nodded. He turned out all right.

I’m still waiting for someone to ask him about that idiot who embarrassed him at his sister’s company Christmas party. Good luck this week, Tiger.

Top Ten (Touring) American Idol Finalists (and odds on winning):

2008-03-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

David A. (3 to 2) – Obviously the most popular singer, but in a twist from the Sanjaya-age, he actually has some singing talent. He’s extremely limited for music genres (Metal Week would be his Kryptonite), but he has a soothing melodic voice and enough teeny-bopper fans with cell phones to make it to the final three without a problem. 70/80’s equivalent – David Gates. Seriously, can’t you hear his voice singing the entire Bread catalog?

Brooke (3 to 1) – A lot of wholesome, white bread, Dharma-ish appeal here. Decent singing ability coupled with an effervescent smile and gosh-darn-golly-gee personality makes her the top female for popularity, if not actual singing ability. Folksy, friendly, and sweet get her to the final four. 70/80’s equivalent – Juice Newton. A lot have seen a similarity to Carly Simon, but I think that’s the mouth and hair more than anything. Her voice is closer to the country-stylings of Juice than the nasal rasp of Carly.

Carly (4 to 1) – Eventually, all the judges fawning over her will show up in the voting. Yes, she has a good, smooth voice. Yes, she’s a better technical singer than anyone else in the competition. No, she has no visual or stage appeal. No, those tattoos do not look attractive. No, she won’t win. No, Fantasia shouldn’t have won either, but the constant genuflecting from the judges eventually swayed the public to voting for a BAD pop singer. Carly is > Fantasia, but won’t carry the fan vote. 70/80’s equivalent – Karen Carpenter. Great range, especially the lower tones. Unless she drastically changes her look and style, might be relegated to easy listening stations.

David Cook (5 to 1) – The rest of the public is catching onto something I noticed during Beatles Week 1; this guy smirks too much at inappropriate times. He’s like a front-man for a bar-band that knows he’s gonna get laid by a groupie, and he’s already thinking about it. That smugness will cost him in a popularity contest, as will his blatant ripping-off of Daughtry’s oeuvre. 70/80’s equivalent – John Mellencougarcamp, right down to the fake scratch he puts in his voice. If Cougarcampenmell doesn’t strike you right, what about Bob Seger? Bryan Adams? Gee, I guess these guys are a dime a dozen…

Jason (8 to 1) – It’s probably just me, but I can’t stomach this guy. He’s like every 70’s cliché about the guitar-playing, hemp-wearing, dreadlocked hippie singing folk songs in a wimpy, airy head tone next to his lava lamp, with equally airy co-eds mooning doe-eyed and dreamy as the bong gets passed around the dorm room. If this guy came on the radio, you’d probably smash your car in your haste to change the station. 70/80’s equivalent – Stephen Bishop. On and on, on and on, on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

[Side note: In Animal House, Stephen Bishop is also the guitar-playing, hemp-wearing hippie that tries to sing “I gave my love a cherry…” in the Delta House when Bluto smashes his guitar into the stairwell… which is what I’ll do if Jason makes it to the final four.]

Ramiele (10 to 1) – Never underestimate the power of the Filipino vote. It got Jasmine Trias about seven spots further than she deserved. Ramiele is a wholly forgettable, sweet, doe-eyed Anime character with a voice like wind chimes. You can hear it off in the distance and you might think it sounds kinda pretty, but you’d never pay ITunes $.99 to listen to four minutes of it. 70/80’s equivalent – Yvonne Elliman. OK, so this is a bit of a reach, but a cute, Hawaiian singer with a nice voice (made her name singing “I don’t know how to love him” in Jesus Christ Superstar) and one disco hit (“If I can’t have you”). Irene Cara is too good and powerful a singer for this comparison.

Michael (10 to 1) – Never underestimate the power of the soccer mom vote. This guy is a mediocre singer who is scraping by on sex appeal and an Aussie accent. 70/80’s equivalent – Rick Springfield. This one was the easiest. Rick Springfield could sing a little, pose a lot, talk with an Aussie accent, and show his dimples. And he made millions despite the fact that NO male ever bought any of his stuff.

Syesha (15 to 1) – Probably a better singer than Ramiele, but won’t get as far unless she unleashes her inner Tina Turner. She needs to perform and not just sing the notes in a mechanical, though technically proficient way. Not really a threat to win, but might end up with a decent career singing ballads that Mariah and Whitney threw away. 70/80’s equivalent – A poor man’s Roberta Flack. A very, very poor man… OK, if Roberta Flack had just run a triathlon and went straight from the finish line to the stage….

Cheesy-Key (15 to 1) – Has a George Huff meets Urkel kind of vibe going right now. He seems to be having fun, making his performances more entertaining, but he’s rapidly turning into the black Taylor Hicks with his manic seizures on stage. Seems sincere and genuinely happy just to be in the competition despite his snowball-on-a-brightly-lit-soundstage’s chance to win. 70/80’s equivalent – Remember how Syesha is a homeless man’s Roberta Flack. Well, meet the homeless woman’s Al Green.

Kristy Lee Cook (25 to 1) – My god, how has she lasted this far?! She has a wispy, ineffectual, flat voice that only swoops when she’s countrifying notes. She’s also a cutie-pie, by far the most attractive female left, which is drawing the teenaged male vote in my house. But, this is NOT a good singer or a good performer. 70/80’s equivalent – If the 1973 “I honestly love you” Olivia Newton-John lost her vibrato and her pitch pipe and her personality, you might have this vapid a singer. Or if 1975 Marie Osmond bleached her hair, took an entire medicine cabinet of antidepressants, and sang Tammy Wynette songs after inhaling helium….

I’m reasonably sure about the top five staying intact with Ramiele’s ethnic bloc possibly squeezing her in (a la Jasmine), but the bottom four are unmistakeable. The exact order might depend on the themes (country might keep Kristy in it, Motown might keep Cheesy and/or Syesha longer, Aboriginal songs might keep Michael around).

OddsMaker.com comes through!!!!!

2008-03-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

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She also decided to launch into one of her "gambling obsession" rants, which subsided quickly when I (a) showed her the check, and (b) pointed out that if I had a "gambling obsession", I wouldn't be cashing out.

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American Idol Top 12

2008-03-12T11:30:00.001-07:00

OK, so David Archuleta is cute. Or, as my 12-year old daughter says, “Soooooooo cuuuuuuuute!” He also sucked last night. Now that they’re down to 12, I can actually remember individual performances enough to blog about them (even without Tivo).

Syesha – When Ryan said she’d be singing “Got to get you into my life”, I turned to my wife and said “Watch, it’ll be the Earth, Wind, and Fire version.” Sure enough, it was… if you remove all the personality and energy of Philip Bailey. And did she think that we hadn’t heard that arrangement? C-minus

Cheesy-key/Jacuzzi – Best performance I’ve seen from him. All the energy and fun that Syesha should have had was here. But why is he dressed like Alfonso Ribeiro from “Fresh Prince”? B+

Ramiele – Bo-ring. Best line I read about her performance said she “Disney-princessed” her way through the song. I guarantee that she has a picture of Jasmine Trias in her room. The only saving grace is that the song is supposed to be a ballad, but weak choice to pick it nonetheless. C

Jason – OK, we get it. He’s “sensitive”. But despite Paula’s vicodin-slurred ramblings, he didn’t “connect” with the audience. Whether or not the little scratches and croaks are intentional or not, it ain’t singing…. It’s creaking. He sounded like Mr. Van Driessen singing “Touch a Mountain” on Beavis and Butthead. Show some range next time, you patchouli-scented hippie. C+

Carly – I’m just not on board with her. She’s got a decent voice, but she has those HIDEOUS tattoos (sorry, but I’m old school where tattoos = tainted woman) and those ghastly British fangs. Her version of “Come Together” was listenable though, just put on some freakin’ sleeves! B

David Cook – Last note aside, the best song choice out of the group. He still has a bit of a smirk when performing, which isn’t a horrible thing, but when singing an incredibly depressing song about lonely people, it might be a little over-the-top. This kid knows his place and his sweet spot. A-minus

Brooke – A close second for song choice. She can’t really be that sweet, can she? I’m betting that it wasn’t her singing voice that nailed down that nanny job, if you get my drift. If Rebecca deMornay had a sweet, talented little sister that didn’t boink Tom Cruise on a train or stab Annabella Sciorra and try to steal her daughter… this would be her. A

David Hernandez – Ugh. He has Menudo written all over him. Wimpy, pop voice with absolutely no radio appeal. He’ll end up on Broadway singing in Phantom or something. In fact, I’d be willing to bet if he makes it through this week (not a sure thing) and ever gets the chance, he’d sing “Music of the Night”. D

Amanda Overmyer – Leather Tuscadero after smoking two packs of Camels. Yeah, I get it, she’s a rocker. The problem is She. Can’t. SING. I’d love to hear her struggle during Kiri Te Kanawa week or even Diana Ross week. The funny thing is… I was looking at her face and decided that she might actually look like a normal person with normal hair. She might even be cute. Unfortunately for the world, she isn’t. C

Michael Johns – The more they interview the guy, the more he comes off as an pompous Aussie dickweed. [Note: he doesn’t know shit about tennis, it was just an excuse for him to wear shorts] He was lucky to be sandwiched between Elsa Lanchester and Jessica Simpson, it made his relatively innocuous singing almost seem good. Again, he’ll make it farther than he should because of the shallowness of the American female voter. B-minus

Kristy Lee Cook – Pretty, fresh-faced, and utterly talentless. Country Music draws marginally talented blondes like Hip-Hop Music draws marginally talented African-Americans. John was spinning in his grave at 78rpm when he heard this Hee-Haw version of “Eight days a week”. If she makes it to next week, it’ll be because of teenaged boys. I know of at least one who voted for her. F

David Archuleta – Oh dear, what shall we do now? The “Golden Boy” has fucked up the words… to a BEATLES song… that was covered by Stevie. Oh, I know what we’ll do, we’ll ignore it like Paula did. If this was the first show you watched, you’d think this guy would be one of the first people eliminated. This is the boy’s Mulligan. One more like this, and he won’t be safe. He’s only safe this week because of Kristy’s abomination and David H’s preening. D+

Try OddsMaker.com

2008-02-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

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A little while ago, I got something in the mail from some seemingly new betting site with my favorite kind of marketing stunt... FREE MONEY. The letter said they would deposit $50 in my account for play at their casino, sportsbook, or poker room. Well, if you're reading this, you probably know what I did.

I popped into the poker room and started playing. OK, so it's not exactly PokerStars for traffic, and there's only Hold'Em ring games, but there are also crazy rebuy tournaments, Sit n Go's, gigantic overlays, and remember, this was FREE MONEY.

Anyway, playing just Sit N Go's and rebuys, I quickly jacked the amount over $100. Uh-oh, I better check out the cash-out policies. Luckily, they have an awesome online chat for Customer Service and I quickly found out that I had a play-through of 200 raked hands. Child's play. So I sat down to some easy .25/.50 fixed Hold'Em. Every hand was raked, so I sat for a little over an hour piling up the raked hands.

Lo and behold, I kept winning. The level of play reminded me a lot of the early days of Party Poker where everyone saw every flop and playing tight poker meant playing winning poker. Every suited connector, every baby pair could see a cheap flop. If it hit, I was guaranteed to win about 10 BBs. If it missed, I lost a blind. The money quickly ramped over $200... at .25/.50!

So today I pop back on, asking my online Customer Service friends how close I was to my 200 raked hands. I was only 30 or so hands away. So I won 200 BBs in 170 hands. Not bad... The juicy .25/.50 was full (only one table at each denomination, the perils of being a small fish pond), so I sat at .10/.20 PL-Omaha-8 and played about 60 or so hands and won another $20, so my account is now around $270.

Cashing out is an interesting exercise. They'll pay you in a debit/gift card for a $20 fee. I just submitted my withdrawal, so I'll keep you posted on how quickly I get my card. I left $50+ behind and I'll be running that up too. Like I said, this site reminds me a lot of the fishy first few days at Party/Empire with some gamboolers who may have signed up for the sportsbook betting/slot machines and decided to try poker.

If you want to sign up, go to OddsMaker.com and use my referral code: 1115005. I'll kickback 50% of whatever I make from the referrals back to you. As long as you don't hook MY fish, you're welcome to join me there. They've also got full slot machine and casino choices, as well as a small sportsbook, so there are lots of ways to satisfy your action jones.

2008-02-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Everyone (or at least every sportswriter and blogger) has some sort of winner and loser list from the Super Bowl; the most obvious winner being Eli Manning and the most obvious loser being Tom Brady. But here are some other winners and losers that might not get the ESPN camera time:

Winner: David Tyree – Honestly, I’d never heard of the guy before yesterday, yet he came up with a touchdown catch (on a perfectly thrown slant by Eli) and one of the greatest jump-off-the-couch, how-the-hell-did-he-do-that catches in NFL history.

Loser: Jeremy Shockey – The trash-talking tattooed tight end (how’s that for alliteration?) wasn’t missed at all during this game with Tyree and Kevin Boss making the big catches that Shockey never seems to make. He might become trade bait to some team in search of a loudmouthed ass who picks fights, like the Raiders.

Winner: Wes Welker – My god, this guy is good. Making all kinds of catches over the middle, bubble screens, slants, you name it, he caught it. Should’ve been the MVP if the Patriots won, he took some vicious shots, got up, dusted himself off, and jogged back to the huddle. Just like a professional should.

Loser: Tiki Barber – For talking crap about Eli Manning before the season, for questioning the authority of Tom Coughlin for the last few seasons, for selling his soul to network analysis by burning his bridges with the Giants, Tiki proved himself to be a selfish malcontent (and lousy analyst), and possibly the reason for the Giants failures. Without the “star” running back, the Giants played cohesive team football and won the Super Bowl.

BIG LOSER: Junior Seau – This was to be the crowning moment of his career. The aging warrior, past his prime, trying to grab a Super Bowl ring in his swan song… he only had two more tackles than I did sitting on my couch eating pizza and Ruffles, and about as much impact on the game. Junior Seau, you are NO Hacksaw Reynolds.

Winner: Mike Carey – The referee of a well-officiated game shouldn’t be noticed. Aside from Carey’s dramatic pauses and emphatic arm motions, the entire crew did a great job. And on the 12-men on the punt replay challenge, most officiating crews allow a guy to run off the field as long as he’s not part of the play. Belichick just had the benefit of more cameras to see it. And how would history be different if Carey had a quick whistle when Eli was “in the grasp”? Good game, sir.

Loser: That internet firm with the racially insensitive ads – I don’t even remember who the company was, and I’m not going to give them publicity regardless, but they had some tacky animated ads with an Indian salesman sounding very Apu-ish and an Asian entrepreneur sounding very Miyagi-ish. Come on, people, if you’re gonna spend eleventy billion dollars to buy time at the Super Bowl, make ads that don’t piss off potential customers.

Winners: The 1972 Dolphins, the 1985 Bears, the 1989 49ers, the 1984 49ers – In order, the ONLY undefeated season, the most dominant defensive team in NFL history, the most dominant offensive team in NFL history, and the BEST overall team in NFL history. No more crap about this Patriots team, who already had the taint of Spygate hanging over their heads, being the greatest team ever. Oh, and the ’72 Dolphins are probably the worst Super Bowl champs ever, but that’s a subject for another day.

Losers: All those pompous Bostonians who were pumping up their town as Titletown – OK, we get it. The Red Sox won the series. The Patriots had a great season. The Celtics are leading the East. BIG DEAL. When they actually all WIN during the same year, we’ll give you props. Until then, shut your bandwagon hopping, Sam Adams-swilling pie holes.

Winner: House – I love that show.

Loser: Ben Roethlisberger – Whatever Fox paid him for the American Idol ad, it wasn’t enough.

Winner: Football fans – A great game doesn’t need to be 31-28 or have spectacular long plays. This was the equivalent of a 2-1 pitchers’ duel with both sides struggling against inspired defenses. A great game.

2008-01-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

Heath Ledger died yesterday. Oh, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised anymore when a young, good-looking, up-and-coming star finds a way to kill himself. Owen Wilson tried, and failed. Kurt Cobain tried and succeeded. The surprising thing is the speed at which the denials starting flowing. “It wasn’t suicide. It was an accidental overdose.”

OK, I have sleeping pills around my house. I have a LOT of prescription medications, primarily allergy medications, but some Advil PM and some Nyquil and some cough syrup. I KNOW what the prescribed dosages are. There ain’t no way I’m taking 5x or 10x the prescribed dosage. In fact, any time someone takes more pills than are recommended, you can make a reasonable argument that they must not care about their health.

An adult can’t “accidentally overdose”. It’s a conscious choice. He CHOSE to take those drugs. He CHOSE to possibly drink alcohol with those drugs. Ledger fans seem to want to glorify his passing, like it’s some kind of tragedy that a self-indulgent, rich, pampered actor killed himself. It’s not a tragedy.

He. Killed. Himself.

The simple reality is that this doesn’t change my life (or probably your life) one iota. If it does change your life, that says more about your life than it does about Heath Ledger’s death. At the most, it almost guarantees that “The Dark Knight” will be the top summer film. At the least, it just adds 72 points to someone’s Celebrity Death Pool.

Focus on your own life, people.

No need to watch debates

2008-01-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

I love stuff like this. By answering a series of fourteen questions on political hot topics and weighing them, you'll get your top candidate spit out for you.

Not surprisingly, my top six selections were Republicans with the moderates up top.

Giuliani
McCain
Hunter
Thompson
Huckabee
Romney

On the opposite end, my political Luthor is Chris Dodd.

2008-01-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

Some random thoughts as 2008 is already 1/24 gone…

o Not sure if the rest of the country has been privy to the breathless newscasts and frequent updates regarding the rampaging tiger at the San Francisco Zoo. Now, one of the two brothers who managed to avoid a bloody death is being charged with a drunken assault crime from months ago.

OK, let me guess this straight… Three guys are attacked by a tiger who had to leap a moat, scale a fence, and kill/maul all three of them. Mind you, NOBODY ELSE in the whole freaking zoo was attacked… just these three clowns. One of them has a history of acting up while drunk, the cops found empty vodka bottles in their car, and they had wrist rockets in their possession. And their ambulance chasing legal team is claiming that the attack was unprovoked? Uh, I think the tiger was DSAF. I’m just sorry the cops shot the tiger before he could finish off the other two.

o I hate the political primary season. Why should I give a rat’s ass what a bunch of corn farmers in Iowa think? Why should I give a rat’s ass what a bunch of autoworkers in Michigan think? The most amusing part of the entire exercise is that the liberals are insisting on placing two unelectable candidates onto their ticket. Even putting one of these two onto the ticket as VP would torpedo any chances for the White House. The concept of electibility seems to escape the Democrats…

o Quick question for those of you with kids… If your kids got into trouble for picking fights, and are grounded and aren’t supposed to leave the house, what do you think will happen if you leave on a business trip?

OK, now what do you think will happen in Iraq if the United States pulls their troops out?

My plan (thank you for asking) would be for US troops to pull BACK, not out, and form a perimeter around Iraq. We tell Iraq (and the world) that we’ll stay the hell out of Iraq IF they conduct themselves like a nice, civilized society. If they start killing Kurds or raping/torturing citizens or developing WMD, we will send the troops right back in. That way, we still have the (relatively) high ground of standing up for civilized people while not playing the role of enemy occupying force.

o Enough with the freaking writers’ strike. It’s not like the WGA has a monopoly on creative ability. Frankly, I’m betting that most of them could be replaced tomorrow by equally talented writers from the internet and blogosphere who would be happy to be paid ANYTHING for their words. Geez, are you trying to tell me that someone who writes the dialogue for “Samantha Who” or “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” is an irreplaceable talent?

Anyway, one other fear of mine is the ESPN hype machine that will result from the Green Bay-New England Super Bowl matchup. Between sucking off Brett Favre and Tom Brady, the ESPN suits will be fuller than Rod Stewart's stomach contents. Here's hoping for a ratings-deflating, but intriguing San Diego-New York Giants upset special this weekend.

2008-01-02T16:23:00.001-08:00

Time to review my incredibly UN-prescient football picks for the year…

Predicted (actual):

AFC East
New England 12-4 (16-0) – Yeah, well, if you have a posting from September 6 that has New England running the table, I’ll bow to your greatness. Otherwise, I think most predictions were around here.

Buffalo 8-8 (7-9) – I accurately predicted that Buffalo would step up this year, though I was off by a game. I also accurately predicted that New England would clinch early, though I don’t think that was exactly a difficult call.

New York Jets 5-11 (4-12) – Another pick off by just one game.

Miami 6-10 (1-15) – Come on, did YOU think they’d be this bad?

AFC North
Boy, did I screw this division up!

Cincinnati 10-6 (7-9) – I thought their potent offense would compensate for their WAC-level defense. I was wrong.

Baltimore 9-7 (5-11) – Yeeesh, not even close.

Pittsburgh 8-8 (10-6) – I thought they’d improve, but not that much. They’ll still lose in the first round.

Cleveland 4-12 (10-6) – Come on, did YOU think they’d be this good?

AFC South
Indianapolis 13-3 (13-3) – Bingo! Right on the nose! My prediction that Addai would reach 2000 yards was derailed by injuries and an early clinch of the division.

Houston 9-7 (8-8) – I predicted that Houston would be contending this year. I missed by one year.

Jacksonville 6-10 (11-5) – Wow, did I underestimate David Gerrard!

Tennessee 6-10 (10-6) – Be honest, did you know they had won that many games? The fact that they’re gonna get blasted by three touchdowns against San Diego will affirm the fact that they just don’t belong in the playoffs.

AFC West
San Diego 12-4 (11-5) – I bravely predicted that LT would catch more balls in Norv’s revamped offense. He skyrocketed from 56 catches in 2006 to a whopping 60 in 2007.

Denver 10-6 (7-9) – Jay Cutler played better, but the guy-from-nowhere-who-rushes-for-1000-yards magic that Mike Shanahan had is apparently inoperative.

Kansas City 6-10 (4-12)

Oakland 4-12 (4-12) – Second bingo of the AFC!

AFC Recap – Three of the four division winners correct, ZERO of the wild card teams. Also predicted a San Diego – Indy AFC Championship, which is impossible since they’ll meet in the second round.

NFC East
Dallas 11-5 (13-3) – Tony Romo blossomed this year, nailing both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson, an impressive feat. If he talked them into a threesome, I’d have a new hero.

Philly 9-7 (8-8) – This one could’ve gone either way, depending on Donovan’s health.

New York Giants 7-9 (10-6) – I didn’t think Eli could hold it together well enough to make the playoffs. I was wrong, partially because I underestimated Brandon Jacobs.

Washington 6-10 (9-7) – I think I was right when I said that they have a lot of “almost good enough” talent. We’ll find out when they face Seattle in the loudest stadium in the NFL.

NFC North
Again, the North proves to be my kryptonite. I had no idea the Bears would fall so far, nor that Brett Favre would discover that playing Vicodin-free would be so fun.

Chicago 12-4 (7-9) – To be honest, the Bears were about as bad as I thought they would be. It’s just that the rest of the division was much, much better. I thought they had five or six slam-dunk wins in division and would go 6-4 or 7-3 against the rest of the league. Instead, they went 2-4 in division and 5-5 against everyone else.

Detroit 6-10 (7-9) – Just about right for them. I had some worries when they were 6-2 and contending for a playoff slot, but they proved to be every bit as bad as I thought.

Green Bay 6-10 (13-3) – Didn’t think the old fart had it in him.

Minnesota 4-12 (7-9) – Well, I did predict that Adrian Peterson would be a star, and the likely rookie of the year, but other than that…. Eh.

NFC South
New Orleans 11-5 (7-9) – The Deuce McAllister injury combined with a slow start killed this team.

Carolina 8-8 (7-9) – A team heading in the wrong direction. If not for the chaos in Atlanta, they’re gonna be in the cellar for years.

Atlanta 7-9 (4-12) – Unless they hire a top coach, this team will be a laughing stock for years. And it’s all Michael Vick’s fault.

Tampa Bay 5-11 (9-7) – Jeff Garcia is the football equivalent of Kenny Lofton, always in the playoffs, no matter the team. Well, if you ignore Cleveland and Detroit…

NFC West
Seattle 10-6 (10-6) – Bingo #3. Pretty safe to give them 10 wins a year in this division.

San Francisco 10-6, 7-9 if Gore gets hurt (5-11) – I forgot about mentioning what happens if Alex Smith gets hurt, and the 49ers are forced to use FOUR starting quarterbacks including retreads like Dilfer and Weinke.

St Louis 9-7 (3-13) – Wow, just wow. Would you think that a team with Stephen Jackson, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce, and Marc Bulger could lose 13 games in the worst division in pro football? Well, try to name a player on their defense….

Arizona 7-9 (8-8) – About right.

NFC Recap
Two of the four division winners correct, ZERO of the wild card teams. Obviously, my NFC championship pick of New Orleans is way off base, but my second choice, Dallas, looks pretty strong for playing in February.

Oh, what the hell...

2007-10-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8242697

MLB Playoff Preview

2007-10-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, October baseball... So many things to talk about...

First off, Matt Holliday still hasn’t touched home plate. Props to Brian Giles for making a great throw and Michael Barrett for making a Scioscia-esque block of the plate, prolonging the Padres’ season.

Second, Fox is probably wetting themselves over the possibility of a Red Sox/Yankee ALCS and a Phillie/Cub NLCS. Unfortunately, there is a very good likelihood of them getting their wish.

Third, how big a loser must one be to have a judge rule that K-Fed is a more fit parent?

Anyway, moving on....

American League

Red Sox over the Angels in four. I can’t see the Angels’ offense being able to keep up with the Red Sox, especially with a dinged-up Vlad.

Yankees over the Indians in five. I honestly think this one could go either way. I hope it’s the Indians, but only because I despise the media infatuation with the Yankees and ESPN’s constant ads for “The Bronx is Burning”

ALCS: Red Sox over the Yankees in seven. This one would have to go seven. I think it’s written into their MLB contracts. If the Indians beat the Yankee bullpen in Game Five, the Red Sox will roll the Indians in five games.

National League

Cubs over the Snakes in four. I’ll give one game to Brandon Webb, either Game One or Game Four. Otherwise the Cubs are better at almost every position, except closer.

Rockies over the Philies in five. Gotta ride the hot hand here. They THINK they can win. Hell, they can win games without even touching the plate. Now THAT’S hot!

Rockies over the Cubs in six. Like I said, the Rockies are the hot hand, and the Cubs in the postseason are about as cold as they get. They can beat the DBacks because of superior talent, but won’t be able to climb the mountain.

World Series

Red Sox over the Rockies in seven. This will be the first World Series EVER with over 100 total runs scored. Expect to see a couple of 12-11 type games with pitchers getting shelled from both sides. MVP = Manny.

2007-08 Preview (part two)

2007-09-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

2007-08 NFL Predictions (continued)

NFC East – You know what the biggest move Dallas made in the off-season? They took Tony Romo off of field-goal holding. Oh, and he bagged Carrie Underwood. Other than that, not much has changed. Philly will be slightly down this year from their perennial 10-12 wins, and that will be enough for Dallas to pass them by. The Giants won’t be contenders, partially because of Eli, partially because they’re just not that good. Same with the Redskins, who have a whole slew of almost-good-enough players (Portis, Moss, Cooley, etc.)

Dallas (11-5), Philly (9-7), New York Giants (7-9), Washington (6-10)

NFC North – Gawd, this is a bad division. Sure, the Bears are OK, but are they Super Bowl quality? Rex Grossman proved me right by being the worst QB in the Super Bowl since David Woodley, almost single-handedly giving away the game. And the damn Bears will still win 11-12 games because this division is total crap below them. Which means they’ll get homefield, which means they have a chance to fuck up another Super Bowl. Minnesota, Green Bay, and Detroit won’t total 20 wins this year, even though it’s made simpler by the fact that six of them will come against each other. The NFC Rookie of the Year will come from this division though with Calvin Johnson and Adrian Peterson fighting it out.

Chicago (12-4), Detroit (6-10), Green Bay (6-10), Minnesota (4-12)

NFC South – New Orleans will roll this sad group and challenge da Bears for homefield. They’ll have two 1000-yard backs, and Drew Brees is good enough not to screw things up. Bill Simmons is touting the Falcons as a Ewing Theory sleeper, but I don’t think they have enough on defense to sustain a playoff push. Carolina is an enigma. They should be better. I don’t know if it’s Jake Delhomme’s fault or not, but they have too much talent not to compete for a wildcard this year. It’ll be interesting to see if Jeff Garcia can save Jon Gruden’s job this year. I don’t think he can.

New Orleans (11-5), Carolina (8-8), Atlanta (7-9), Tampa Bay (5-11)

NFC West – OK, I’m a 49er fan, and even I don’t believe all of the preseason hype. They’ll be better on offense this year, and immensely better on defense. So, 7-9 should become 10-6, right? Well, a lot of that is going to depend on keeping Frank Gore healthy, which seems difficult. I predicted his coming-out party last year (though I guessed low with 1200 yards compared to the 1600+ he actually got). Seattle should still be considered the front-runner here with the Rams playing lots of 34-31 games. Arizona will put up some impressive fantasy numbers, but won’t crack .500.

Seattle (10-6), San Francisco (10-6), 7-9 if Gore gets hurt, St. Louis (9-7), Arizona (7-9)

Division winners: Chicago, New Orleans, Dallas, Seattle

Wildcards: San Francisco, Philly

NFC Championship: Dallas at New Orleans

Super Bowl Prediction : New Orleans 34, Indianapolis 30

2007 AFC Preview

2007-09-06T14:48:00.001-07:00

2007-08 NFL predictions

AFC East – Gee, is there anyone but New England in this division? The three runners-up will all be 6 +/- 2 wins this year, so no other playoffs to be found here. If forced to pick between the “other three”, I’d say Buffalo has the best chance to surprise with Marshawn Lynch and Lee Evans providing some offensive fireworks. Look for New England to clinch, oh, about now.

NE (12-4), Buffalo (8-8), Miami (6-10), New York Jets (5-11)

AFC North – The only AFC division that is actually up for grabs. Everyone but Cleveland has a chance here with nine wins likely to be enough. Cincinnati has the offensive horses to run over this division if Marvin Lewis can keep the boat afloat amidst the flotsam and jetsam of the offseason. Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson, and Ocho Cinco will be making their pitch to be the new AFC triplets, with TJ Houshmanderheizen (“Championship!”) playing the role of Alvin Harper/Reggie Wayne. Baltimore surprised last year with the suddenly resurgent Steve McNair leading the way. Willis McGahee is an upgrade to the aging Jamal Lewis, but there are several questions here, like “What’s a receiver?”. Pittsburgh will be better, if only because Big Ben had training wheels put on his hog. Willie Parker is the breakaway threat that Pittsburgh never really had, and Hines Ward is still the most overhyped underrated receiver in football.

Cincinnati (10-6), Baltimore (9-7), Pittsburgh (8-8), Cleveland (4-12)

AFC South – I accurately predicted that last year would be Peyton’s year, and this year, I think (along with the rest of the world) that Indy will roll this division. Joseph Addai will break 2,000 total yards, and the Colts will be fighting the Pats and Bolts for homefield. Houston is the most improved team in the AFC and might sneak into a wild card. Look for Andre Johnson to have a huuuuge year. Jacksonsville is still looking for Mark Brunell’s successor. Think about that awhile. They have the best 1-2 running back punch with the 8-game greatness of Fred Taylor and the stumpy MJD, but absolutely no quarterbacking. VY will win a couple of games for Tennessee this year entirely on his own… which is fortunate, because the talent around him is only good for 3-5 games.

Indy (13-3), Houston (9-7), Jacksonville (6-10), Tennessee (6-10)

AFC West – Ah, the Norv Turner effect... Look for the offense in San Diego to show more imagination without the leaden leash of MartyBall. LT will have another stellar year with more pass receptions, Vincent Jackson is my sleeper fantasy WR pick this year, and San Diego will fail in the playoffs yet again. Denver will find that life with Jake Utler (say it out loud) is a lot like life with Jake Plummer, just with fewer interceptions in the flat. Kansas City and Oakland will find that when you have two shitty quarterbacks each, not much else matters, even if you do have Larry Johnson.

San Diego (12-4), Denver (10-6), Kansas City (6-10), Oakland (4-12)

Division winners: NE (duh!), Indy (duh!), San Diego (duh!), and Cincy

Wild Cards: Denver, Houston

AFC Championship – San Diego at Indianapolis

NETELLER has left the building...

2007-07-31T15:37:00.000-07:00

The cash hit my bank account today.

I am officially Neteller-free.

First come, first served.

SCOOP! Read it here first!

2007-07-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

OK, the long national nightmare is about to end…

No, I’m not talking about the NBA official who watched too many Sopranos episodes and basically threw the results of the last five NBA seasons into speculation.

No, I’m not talking about Barry Bonds being the lead story on ESPN for the last month, despite the fact that he’ll only hold the HR record for about 6-8 more years.

No, I’m not talking about Michael Vick being asked/told to sit out the season ostensibly to get his “personal life” in order, when most of us realize that it’s to let the public furor wane about his dogfighting operation.

No, I’m not talking about Michelle Wie getting yet another undeserved exemption to an LPGA tournament to sell tickets, except now it’s just like Evel Knievel where the spectators are coming to see a spectacular crash and burn.

No, none of these mundane little stories…

Neteller has announced their fund release plan.

Well, maybe not ANNOUNCED it, but they've posted it.

Yes, you heard it here first (or maybe you heard before, but I’ll take credit for bringing it to light)

No need to rush to Neteller. They'll start taking requests for distributions on July 31 and they’ll (hopefully) have enough funds to reimburse all $94M of deposited funds. U.S. depositors will have 180 days (not six months) to put in their request, putting the deadline at January 26, 2008.

Good luck to everyone getting your money back! I have about $400 (small potatoes). I'd be interested to hear how much everyone else has coming to them...

2007-06-25T17:27:00.001-07:00

Bases loaded, down three runs in the bottom of the penultimate inning, one out, Tournament of Champions semi-final. Winner heads to the final winner-take-all game to decide the District Champ.

That’s where my son found himself yesterday. I’d like to fill this blog with vivid imagery of his game-winning grand slam, or game-tying double. Hell, I’d like to fill this blog with imagery of his rally-extending walk and subsequent team rally to win the game.

The first pitch was six inches outside, maybe more. He chased it like a dog chasing its tail. “Stay patient, wait for your pitch!” I shouted.

The second pitch was on the outside corner. Another swing and miss.

I could see it coming a mile away. He was pressing, overhyped and overcharged for the moment. He wanted it TOO much. He had already boomed a double over the center fielder’s head and driven in a run with a single to right. He wanted to be the hero. He knew it was HIS time.

The manager (and third base coach) called time. He pulled Trevor over, sensing his anxiety. I saw Trevor nodding and taking a deep breath. He seemed more settled when he got back in the box.

The next pitch was a hair inside, but too close to take. Trevor took a rip. It was a soft, humpbacked bloop to the third baseman. The baserunner at third (incorrectly) broke for the plate turning this harmless bloop into a rally-killing DP.

Trevor collapsed halfway down the first base line, holding his head in his hands. He was 3rd on the team in RBIs, 2nd in runs, 2nd in hitting, he had the most pitching victories, he was the best fielder by far, he was the starting shortstop for a team in the TOCs for two consecutive years, no mean feat.

Since the beginning of the year, he had pretty much led this team. He was picked as team captain before the first game, he was nominated for the league all-star team, and he had accepted his role with aplomb. In a game where the team defense faltered, he had played errorless ball, saving a run by charging a slowly hit ball, looking a runner back to third, and firing to first for the out. He had prevented another run with a perfect one-hop throw to the plate on a long triple.

None of that mattered.

No tears yet, there was still an inning to play. He gathered himself, grabbed his glove, and trotted out to shortstop. Between pitches, he slammed his glove into his leg, unable to shake the frustration of his failed at-bat. Back in the dugout after an uneventful top of the 7th, he held his head, occasionally shouting encouragement to his teammates. The team couldn’t rally in the last inning and was eliminated 7-4.

Nothing is more depressing than a losing dugout. The wet blanket of a loss weighs everyone down. All of the players gathered their equipment, some for the last time ever, seemingly in slow-motion. Some sniffles, but surprisingly few. These were 13-14 year olds, angry and frustrated more than sad.

The parents all stood back while the manager gathered the players for the last time. The players all had to turn in their jerseys after the game, so they were just wearing t-shirts when they got up to be received with applause and hugs from their proud parents. I held Trevor by his shoulders, looked in his eyes, and told him “It’s not on you. You helped get them here. Just like you wouldn’t take all the credit if you had won, you shouldn’t take all the blame when you lose.” I hugged the boy and kissed him on the back of his head.

This will make him stronger. He understands that now, a day later.

But, boy, it hurt like hell yesterday. I only hope he gets another chance someday.

2007-06-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, it’s that time of year again… When the basketball and hockey seasons have mercifully ended, when football is in that lull right before two-a-days start, when baseball teams are 100 games away from determining the playoffs…

This is the time for the DEATH POOL draft!!!!

Without further ado, I present my draft picks for the 2nd half of 2007!

1. Jack Kevorkian (05/26/1928) – He’s out of jail and has full access to any number of life-ending medications. His cancer must be getting really painful about now. One hopes he practices what he preaches.

2. Patricia Dunn (03/27/1953) – Cancer for the terminally corrupt. Stage Four cancer for a widely despised corporate despot. Karma has to rear its ugly head soon.

3. Vasyl Tsushko (02/01/1963) – Minister for the Ukraine, widely believed to be poisoned, hiding in Germany, and on the verge of death. I hope the hitmen in the the Ukraine finish what they start.

4. Adam 'Pac-Man' Jones (09/30/1983) – Sheesh, just watch SportsCenter. Give this guy the entire summer, fall, and winter off and watch the sparks fly!

5. Verne Troyer (01/01/1969) – Dwarf gambit. Someone poached my Beetlejuice pick, so I jumped in with MiniMe. He didn’t look well in “Surreal Life – Fame Games”, but then, who did?

6. Dick Clark (11/30/1929) – America’s oldest teenager and a great guy. The only one of my picks I’ve personally met.

7. Elizabeth Taylor (02/27/1932) – Hanging out with Michael Jackson has got to take years off of your life, don’t you think? That, along with wildly fluctuating weight, cancer, alcohol, and depression every time she looks in the mirror.

8. Jim Gilstrap (???) – A flyer on this guy. He’s an assistant coach at Oregon State, currently on life support. Running a risk that his death won’t be reported on the major news sites (CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, and People websites) being used as references. If he dies, I’m sending a clip to ESPN.com to get him onto the site.

9. Bill Walsh (11/30/1931) – Seems to be doing well with his leukemia. Part of me picked him because of my horrible luck picking in this pool. I figure if I pick him, he’ll live for sure.

10. Pervez Musharraf (08/10/1943) – President of Pakistan. For some reason, I don’t think he’s likely to live long.

11. Nouri al-Maliki (01/01/1950*) – Prime Minister of Iraq. For some reason, I don’t think he’s likely to live long.

12. Pope Benedict XVI (04/16/1927) – Nice security there. “Hey, that guy just jumped into the Popemobile, maybe we should help.” I didn’t realize he was 80 already. Sheesh, those robes take years off his appearance.

13. Jim Nabors (06/12/1930) – Who knew he was still alive? Rock Hudson’s fluid repository is still roaming around in Hawaii. He was too sick to sing at the Indy 500, where his “Back Home in Indiana” has become a stomach-churning tradition.

14. Regis Philbin (08/25/1931) – Bypass surgery. Kelly Ripa. He’s ready to go.

15. Jalal Talabani (01/01/1933*) - President of Iraq. For some reason, I don’t think he’s likely to live long.

16. Donald Rumsfield (07/09/1932) – Eh, just a hunch.

17. Marley Marl (09/30/1962) – Hip-hop record producer. Recent heart attack. These guys never seem to live long either.

18. Travis Pastrana (10/08/1983) – Three MotoX riders, any one of which is capable of under-rotating a flip and turning it into a YouTube classic.

19. Mike Metzger (11/19/1975)
20. Brian Deegan (05/09/1975)

Neteller News

2007-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

Shhhh.... I'm not sure I should even be posting this, but Neteller has a new FAQ (dated 6/4) that explains their distribution plan (aka "blood from a stone"). Link the title if you're interested in reading straight from the horse's mouth. If you're one of the more popular bloggers, you might want to keep this quiet until we've all had a chance to extract our shekels first...

Has NETELLER developed a distribution plan to return US member's funds?
As announced on 21 March 2007, NETELLER signed agreements with each of the United States Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York (“USAO”) and Navigant Consulting, Inc. (“Navigant”). In accordance with these agreements, NETELLER worked with Navigant to develop the Distribution Plan. This plan is now agreed and NETELLER is in discussions with the USAO regarding when the Distribution Plan can be implemented.

When will US members get their money back?
NETELLER currently anticipates that implementation of the Distribution Plan will commence upon the resolution of the USAO investigation. NETELLER has advised the USAO that it will use its best efforts to resolve the investigation no later than July 13, 2007.
What is the Distribution Plan?
The Distribution Plan outlines how US members will be able to withdraw their funds from their NETELLER e-wallets. The plan agreed upon with the USAO provides a prescribed period of time for these withdrawal requests to take place.
How long is the time period that US members can request their funds?
The plan provides a 180 day period for US members to make an online request for the return of funds using NETELLER's website. This time period starts from when NETELLER announces the commencement of funds distribution. This date has not been announced yet. [My bold]
What happens at the end of the allotted period of time?
Accounts will be placed in a permanent-closed status and US members will no longer be able to sign in to the NETELLER website.
What if I do not withdraw my funds?
Funds that are not claimed by US members through the Distribution Plan will be forfeited by NETELLER in a manner to be determined by the USAO. [My bold]
How will I withdraw funds from my account?
US members will be able to request funds either by electronic transfer to the bank account on record with NETELLER if the US member confirms that such account remains valid, failing which such member can request payment by cheque sent to the mailing address as confirmed by such member.
Can I choose which withdrawal method to use?
The Distribution Plan states that US members must request an electronic transfer if they already have a bank account registered with NETELLER and confirm that such bank account remains valid. US members who do not qualify for an electronic transfer will be able to request payment by cheque.
Can I withdraw my funds in more than one request?
US members will receive the entire balance of the funds in their account. US members cannot make partial requests for funds.
What if I already requested to withdraw funds from my NETELLER account?
If you already made a withdrawal request you will need to perform another request when the Distribution Plan is implemented. At that time, your NETELLER account will reflect the full amount that you are able to withdraw.
Will I receive interest on my account balance?
In accordance with NETELLER’s Terms of Use, no interest on account balances will be paid.
Can I perform any other transactions like a peer-to-peer transfer?
US members cannot use their accounts for any type of transaction other than to request their funds.
Is there a fee to withdraw funds from my account?
NETELLER will not charge fees to US members to process requests for funds.
Who can I contact for assistance?
NETELLER will provide more information to its US members as the plan is implemented via this site and email. Until that time NETELLER is unable to return funds to US members. In the meantime if you require further assistance, please contact NETELLER Customer Service at usmembers@neteller.com.

2007-04-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Quickie thoughts about the NFL draft, the NBA playoffs, the NHL playoffs, and Little League:

- The 49ers’ biggest needs going into the draft were wide receiver, defensive line, offensive line, and linebacker. They managed to address all of them pretty well.

o Wide receiver: Getting Darrell Jackson (from a divisional foe, no less) for a 4th round pick was a coup, because no 4th round pick would have been able to contribute right away. Drafting Jason Hill in the 3rd round is similar to the Frank Gore strategy of picking high talent with an injury risk.

o Offensive line: Potentially their best selection. Joe Staley was widely considered to be the 3rd best tackle behind Joe Thomas and Levi Brown (and no 49er fan would ever accept someone named Joe Thomas). Some have claimed that the high price (1st round pick next year + a 4th round pick this year) was too steep. Not me, especially if this move precedes the elimination of Kwame Harris.

o Linebacker: Derek Smith and Jeff Ulbrich are approaching the age where injuries become common for linebackers, and apparently, Mike Singletary fell in love with Patrick Willis at the Senior Bowl. Uh, I defer to Mike Singletary when it comes to evaluating inside linebackers.

o Defensive line: Ray McDonald is another Frank Gore roll of the dice. A solid performer for most of his college career, he’s been banged up with various injuries and slid a round or two. If he listens to Bryant Young, he’ll be a steal.

- All of this adds up to 9-7 for the 49ers. Only time will tell whether that’s good enough to win the decidedly mediocre NFC West.

- Apparently sweeping a team in the regular season actually means something in the playoffs, wouldn’t you say, Dirk? Amazing how an MVP candidate can be completely neutralized by a game plan emphasizing quick double teams and physical play. I can’t remember MJ, Magic, Bird, or even Steve Nash being completely shut down like Dirk is being shut down in the series against the Warriors. Either Don Nelson is a genius or Dirk shouldn’t be in the MVP hunt. Or both.

- If we have Phoenix, Denver, Golden State, and Houston make it to the next round in the West, nobody will watch the Eastern conference playoffs. What would you rather watch, Detroit beating Toronto 82-75, or Phoenix and Golden State playing a 118-112 thriller?

- Not sure how the Sharks choked away that 2-0 lead in Game Two against the Wings, but I’m afraid that it come back to haunt them. They must jump on the Wings tonight and put them away early and spend the rest of the game pissing off Dominick Hasek. They need to get into his head, and he has a notoriously short fuse.

- Trevor’s team lost to a team managed by Gregg Jeffries on Saturday. He pitched like crap for the first time all year, giving up some booming hits, mainly because he wasn’t getting ahead in the count. As I’ve said before, his fastball isn’t good enough to dominate hitters, and he has to come in the strike zone with it, he’ll get drilled. I think he was nervous about pitching in front of a former major-leaguer. He did get two hits off of Jeffries’ kid though, including a clutch, two-run, bases-loaded gapper that tied the score in the sixth. I think Trevor’s coach overmanaged the game, the Little League equivalent of FPS. He kept calling for fancy pickoff plays and baserunning maneuvers that ended up backfiring. If they had played straight up with no (attempted) fancy plays, they probably could have won the game.

2007-04-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

For those of you planning to miss the upcoming Democratic Presidential debate, I will provide a Cliff’s Notes transcript.

Clinton: Bush is an idiot. I have more experience than the other candidates because of all my time in the Senate and White House, even though I’m totally unelectable due to being a woman and widely despised.

Obama: Bush is an idiot. I appeal to the liberal base better than the other candidates because I’m youthful and telegenic, even though I’m totally unelectable due to being black and unqualified.

Edwards: Bush is an idiot. I'm white and male, I have nice hair, my wife has cancer, and fewer Americans hate me.

Others: We’re not going to say anything against the top three in case they need a VP.

:::Click!:::

Revenge is a dish best served during the playoffs...

2007-04-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

OK, here’s a hockey quiz. Your leading goal-scorer and defending Rocket Richard Trophy winner gets kneed and elbowed at the same time. He’s knocked out for the duration of the playoffs with a blown knee and a missing chiclet. How many periods do you wait before slamming Paul Kariya’s fluid-filled skull into the sideboards and sending him into the Troy Aikman/Steve Young Broadcasting School for the Permanently Impaired?

a. One, retribution must be swift and severe
b. Two, you don’t want to make it TOO obvious
c. Wait till you get a big lead or a big deficit
d. Wait till you get home ice and can dictate the matchup
e. Disable his airbags and slam into the front of his car

The Stanley Cup Playoffs started with a vengeance last night (and this morning) with three of the four games decided by one goal, and two going into multiple overtimes. The NHL playoffs are the best professional postseason tournament in the world. The intensity level is ratcheted up eleven notches, the overtimes are exhausting for the players and fans, the goaltending is spectacular, everything you could possibly enjoy about hockey is magnified… minus the fights.

Scott Hartnell’s cheap shot on Jonathan Cheechoo will probably sideline Cheechoo for the remainder of the playoffs, and Hartnell will likely be suspended at least one game. But the most intriguing aspect of the hit will be the payback. Most hockey fans know that Paul Kariya is Nashville’s leading playmaking threat. They also know that Kariya has had multiple concussions throughout his career. The quiz above might seem facetious, but I guarantee that if Cheechoo is done for the playoffs, the Sharks are contemplating answers a, b, c, and d. If the Sharks suit up seven defensemen for the next game and one of them is Rob Davison, Kariya better have his head on a swivel, or he’ll be helped from the ice, just like Cheechoo.

Interestingly, the solution won’t be a fight, which would’ve been the answer in the regular season. Teams are reluctant to risk an instigator penalty in the playoffs, where every power play is crucial. Instead, they’ll lie in wait for a chance to blow up Kariya or maybe Legwand against the boards or with their heads down in open ice. Of course, you’ll have to dig around your cable company or satellite provider to find Versus network, but Friday’s game should be worth it.

Politics, Democrat style

2007-03-22T11:20:00.001-07:00

To my loving wife,

Fear not, my love. I won’t let your debilitating cancer diagnosis deter me in my quest for personal glory and power.

Your loving husband,
John Edwards

-----

Dear Barack,

I have a great idea. Why not attack Hilary before the primary? No need to hit her with a pipe, a simple internet video will do. I know some guys that will do it for cheap.

Signed,
Tonya Harding

Random thoughts...

2007-03-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Quick thoughts on the first official day of Spring…

- Or the last official day of Winter. I guess it depends whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist. I call it…. Tuesday.

- My bracket is deader than Sinbad.

- What? Sinbad is still alive…? Well, then my bracket is deader than Sinbad’s career.

- Won my first SnG in about a month. Mainly because I’ve only been playing about once a month. Hard to get totally juiced up about winning money when you might not ever get to collect (legally). For now, I may focus my efforts on WSOP super satellites since a seat at the big dance would be its own payment.

- I still have $400 coming from Neteller showing as “pending payment”. Should I just cancel that payment and wait for resolution, or just leave it as-is and hope for a quick windfall when the smoke clears?

- My son is totally kicking ass on his Junior 80’s baseball team. Top pitcher/SS, leading the team in hits, RBI’s, stolen bases, ERA, OAV, WHIP, and just about any other stat you can name. But the thing I’m proudest of is the way he accepted the mantle of team leader. Even though he’s not a loudmouthed, arrogant prick (like, um, his dad), the team follows his lead and listens when he keeps them in line. Good kid.

- Pro wrestlers latest linked to US internet steroid case – Wow, who knew? Seriously, do a Yahoo/Google image search for “Randy Orton” and tell me that guy doesn’t take steroids. Oh, and that he’s not auditioning for “Brokeback Squared Circle”…

- Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars. What’s next? Gary Coleman in the Celebrity Slam Dunk Competition? Why not just wheel Stephen Hawking out there? You know damn well the shows are gonna be taped because that prosthetic is gonna snap off at least once, and the viewing public isn’t ready to see the dancing equivalent of Lieutenant Dan. Gee, do you think that Paul isn’t sitting there chanting “Break a leg, break a leg…”?

The big time... redux

2007-03-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Back in mid-2004, this humble blog was linked up by the immortal blogfather, Iggy. I had made "the big time". Well, a lot has happened since then. I've made hundreds, probably thousands of dollars, playing online poker. The Red Sox won a World Series. The 49ers are now respectable again. The Sharks are legitimate Stanley Cup contenders. Online poker had a huge-mongous boom, followed by a moderate crash, and is slowly trying to re-find its legs.

And this blog went from some traffic to little traffic.

Well, this blog might be waning, but my readership just went up a hundred-fold. I've been asked to be a contributor to Up with Sports, a melange of poker-playing sports fans across the country blogging about, well, sports. My contributions will likely provide, along with Joe Speaker, a west-coast flavor to the decided southeastern menu of writings.

My fandom is relatively well-chronicled here. 49ers, Sharks, Giants, Warriors... in that order. I'll root for the Raiders and A's purely for geographic loyalty. As a San Jose State grad, collegiate sports are less intense for me (long stretches of rotten teams will do that). Stanford gets some regional love, but Berkeley politics preclude rooting for any of their teams. I'm one of the original fantasy geeks, participating in fantasy football leagues since 1986, and I have Hall-of-Fame status at WhatIfSports, kind of a network of stats geeks.

I'll still rant about sports here, but will save my most eloquent rants for my new gig. My NL West preview will be up there on 3/25. See ya there!

2007-02-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

Some Vegas memories:

- Busted out near the bubble in a $90 tournament at Harrah’s. $50+40 add-on and five full tables. I probably played overtight preflop when flops were still cheap, but warmed up in the middle rounds. 1500+1500 chips, with blinds starting at 25/50 and 20 minute levels. Basically blinded down for the first three levels, and took the add-on just before the deadline at the first break.

Saw some spectacularly bad play from several people: Some pretty strong play from others. One 40-ish lady liked to raise with Ace-rag in any position. Once we all figured that out, she got run over pretty quickly. I just didn’t have any playable hands until midway through the second session after a table change. By then the blinds were 150/300 and I was down to about 3x the BB. I was in cutoff with QTs and had two limpers in front of me (including the ace-rag lady who had re-bought after adding on and busting out). I quickly computed the odds on my toes, and decided to push right there, figuring to get my best odds. Sure enough, the BB agonized and folded, Ace-rag lady called, and MP folded. I flipped my QTs and she flipped 76o. The entire table groaned at her. The flop was AQx with two spades. When I flushed the turn, I was suddenly a middle stack. She busted (for the third time) on the next hand with Ace-rag against AQ. We were sad to see her go.

After another table change and down to three tables, I sat down to a table with almost no familiar faces. I folded pretty much an entire circuit disgustedly, then raised 3x preflop in EP with T9s. Everyone immediately bailed, and I knew I had a tight rep. The blinds were climbing into the ridiculous stage after the second break. I missed a chance to chip up when I had KK in BB. With two limpers, I raised only 2x to bring them along. The flop hit me hard with KQT. I considering checking, but guys were playing a lot of Ace-rags and JT/J9 type hands and I didn’t want to give up the free card, so I bet the min hoping for someone to read it as a continuation bet. Both guys folded, one guy had a small pair, the SB had crap.

Then it got silly. We went from 200/400/25 to 500/1000/50. Most of the table had 4K-6K chips so preflop raises were pretty much all-ins. I stole some blinds from late position once or twice with middle suited connectors and was roughly in the bottom third when we got down to two tables. 7-handed, I had Q9s in SB. Everyone folded to me, and I pushed. I half-wanted the BB behind me to call because I needed to double up to have a chance to win, but he passively folded. A couple of hands later, the blinds went to 1000/2000/100. I was in cutoff and with one UTG limper (a blue-haired LOL), I looked down at TT. And pushed. SB and BB disgustedly folded, and the LOL paused before calling. I hoped she had Ax or Kx, and I flipped my cards. The guys next to me said “Nice hand”, until she flipped QQ cautiously, like she wasn’t sure. She hadn’t raised all day, so I’m pretty sure she didn’t slowplay me. Well, the flop was 985, making me feel a little better since I would’ve pushed against that flop anyway. I said “Gimme a 7, dealer”. She obligingly flipped a 7. But before I could say “Jack, six, ten”, she flipped up a deuce, and I was done.

My wife asked me if I had fun. I suppose I did, but it’s frustrating to play solid poker for three hours and not cash. I didn’t lose a single pot at showdown, aside from one or two from BB that were checked down. I made accurate reads almost every step of the way, and ended up 13th or 14th among 50 players (with ten getting paid). When I poked my head in later, I noticed that the LOL made the final table. One of the onlookers told me that she limped a couple of hands later with JJ. Didn’t raise a single time with all undercards on the board, and busted someone else. Sigh.

Mrs. Commish and I walked down the strip to Bellagio because I wanted to see the poker room. I watched a few hands at a $5/10 NLHE table. One fairly attractive girl was bleeding Benjamins like crazy. Right when we got there, she went all-in after an Axx flop with about $1000 cash. She was called by the guy to her left who flipped AJ. She flipped QQ (?!) and when the table whiffed her, casually took out another stack of $100 bills and dropped them on the table. The guy was stacking off piles of chips and counting his Benjamins. Mrs. and I both counted with him to fifteen. I was sorely tempted to join, but I noticed that most of the table had wads of $100 bills in front of them, probably most of them hers.

Side note: Had breakfast next to a Mike Matusow clone in the Venetian. Might have been him, still not sure. Voice was very similar, face and body type were the same. He was sitting with a lady and a little boy around 7-9 years old. When the server tried to give me someone else’s Eggs Benedict that had been sitting under the heating unit for ten minutes, I sent it back asking him for a fresh one, noting that I had seen him bring that one back earlier. Maybe-Mike said “That was cool. I’m glad that happened after I ate.” I suppose I should’ve asked if it was him, but I know I hate it when people bug me when I’m out with my family, so I didn’t want to piss him off.

More coming later in the week. I have effing jury duty this week.

2007-02-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Some quick hits as we move towards the weekend:

- Circuit Shitty has announced that they will be closing 69 stores and laying off buttloads of greasy, obnoxious salespeople. I’ve always hated that company. I used to be a field trainer for Compaq Computers and found the Circuit City vultures to be the lowest form of scummy, pushy spiff chasers I’ve ever seen. My wife once won a gift certificate through a company sponsored contest. We used it to get a video camera which was basically DOA. When we took it back to be worked on, they told us that it was outside of the 30-day return policy, so they wouldn’t give me a replacement. Not only that, but when I told them to fix it, they returned it two months later still inoperative. When I pointed out that the fucking thing still didn’t work, they said that I was now outside of the 90-day warranty and they weren’t gonna fix it. Ever since then, I haven’t set foot in one of their stores, and I’ve told countless people what a bunch of crooks they are. I hope my efforts have at least partially led to their financial problems. And I hope their corporate office burns down, and they all go to hell.

- Whew, I feel better already.

- Enough hullabaloo about the Super Bowl Commercials. We all agree that they suck compared to some of the great commercials of yesteryear, but for that very reason, we shouldn’t be talking about them anymore. All of this bitching about the Snickers macho-gay smooch and the suicidal robotic arm needs to stop. They’re fucking commercials and not very good ones. Talking about them only perpetuates their memory. If everyone had ignored the ads and the products they push, it would have all gone away.

- Lost was just OK. I still get the feeling that they’re just making up shit as they go along, kind of like an improvisational drama. Characters pop in and out of that thing like SNL comedians. My favorite scene was when that guy gets hit by a bus. Seriously, every show should have someone wiped out by a bus. That would be high comedy.

- I haven’t even watched the last three American Idol audition shows. Enough with the freak parade! They’re pandering to the America’s Funniest Home Video crowd, the toothless Springer-esque crowd chanting for bigger and badder screeching. Most of these people auditioning shouldn’t be in public without assistance, and I totally blame their caretakers. After all, we can see that these people can’t legitimately function in the real world; they must have someone that is helping them perform the basic tasks of everyday life like getting dressed and driving a car to work. Why isn’t that person telling them “Y’know, Poindexter, you can’t sing worth a shit and you look like a demented lemur, maybe you should stay home and pop your pimples instead of humiliating yourself on national TV.”?

- I found out that I was about one day too slow in pulling my money from Neteller. I currently have $350+ dollars “pending” withdrawal. I initiated the withdrawal on 1/18, just one day prior to the announced investigation and freezing of funds. Crap.

- Remember my wife won a trip to Vegas and I was going? Well, now she’s interviewing at a couple of other companies and I might lose out on the trip if she takes one of the other jobs before 2/26. Not sure whether it’ll be worth the bridge burning to go to Vegas on someone else’s dime, and put in two weeks notice when the plane lands back home. Stay tuned.

- Side note on the kids. My son somehow managed to make Honor Roll (fourth straight semester) despite being a total screw-up and blowing off multiple assignments. My daughter pulled off straight A’s in her first semester in middle school. I’m very proud of both of them. My wife thinks I’m too hard on them. Tough shit. It seems to be working.

- One more week until pitchers and catchers report.

2007-02-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

OK, the Super Bowl is over and we’re guaranteed seeing even more Peyton Manning commercials, whoring out to whichever advertisers have a checkbook. Eventually, we’ll have a Peyton Manning network showing nothing but Colts highlights and Peyton commercials. Oh, we already have that, it’s called ESPN.

Anyway, it played out pretty much as expected, with Grossman self-destructing, and the Colts eventually picking apart the Bear defense. The Colts did a great job of adjusting their offense after the 1st quarter. The Bears seemed intent on stopping the slants and seam patterns that Manning loves to throw, dropping Urlacher into the passing lanes. And the Colts actually adjusted on the fly and began running the 49er West Coast Offense with swing passes and dump-offs to the running backs. The linebackers would be backpedaling into the seams, the cornerbacks would be dogging the slant routes, and the running back (Roger Craig in the 80’s, Ricky Watters in the 90’s, Joseph Addai yesterday) swings into the flat unimpeded for an almost gimme eight to ten yards a pop.

My buddy and I noticed how familiar the offense looked almost immediately, including the almost eerie ability to gain six yards on 3rd and 4, ten yards on 3rd and 8, always keeping the chains moving, dominating the time of possession. We had seen it before, 20+ years ago. The swing pass (aka “the long handoff”) was put into the West Coast offense to counter the Bears 46 defense in the mid-80’s. In the early 80’s, the 49ers would run sight-adjustment routes against zones with Dwight Clark and Freddie Solomon sitting down in dead spots for 10-12 completions. When teams went to man-to-man, Clark would run slants all the way across the field (remember Harrison yesterday?), while Solomon would go deep to pull the safety. Defenses eventually learned that blitzing would disrupt the timing of the slant plays, so the 49ers adjusted by swinging a running back out of the backfield, essentially running around the blitzers into the open field.

And the Colts ran that exact offense last night. The stretch plays weren’t working against the hard charging defensive line (Addai fumble), so they went to straight plunge plays with straight up man blocking and letting the runners pick their holes. And Ron Rivera didn’t adjust his defensive scheme, falling into the “it worked all year” trap. Well, yeah, it worked against Detroit and Minnesota, but they didn’t have the weapons that Indy had. I wonder if Jerry Jones was paying attention. Hopefully, he wasn’t, because I want Dallas to take Ron Rivera, if only because it will keep Norv Turner in SF, working with Alex Smith and Frank Gore for another season.

So, who do you like in the Pro Bowl?

2007-01-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

Vegas.

I’ve never been there completely as a tourist. Sure, I was there once for a team meeting for Compaq, but the majority of the time was already booked.

This time, it’s for a weekend with just one dinner pre-arranged. My wife’s sales group is being feted for selling a bunch of widgets or something (I wasn’t really listening when she told me the exact reason), and the widget manufacturer decided that spouses were invited to share the room. I had to spring for the airfare.

So I’ll be among the degenerates in Vegas during the weekend of February 23-25. I’m flying in Friday morning and leaving Sunday evening. And I’ll be with my lovely wife, so full-time poker is probably not an option, though she actually suggested I investigate the tournaments.

Neither one of us are into the tittie shows, nor do we feel like seeing some kiddie-friendly magic shows, so we booked tickets for Friday night to see Brad Garrett. His pre-Raymond stand-up was always good, so here’s hoping he’s back on track.

Are there any other suggestions for things to do or must-see places to see? Remember, we’re old (I’m 43, wifey is 46), and more like tourists than degenerates. Anyone have single-deck blackjack? Sit-and-go tournaments? Good food? Anyone need a bet placed on the MLB season?

Quick political blurb...

2007-01-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting that even the most liberal bloggers are ignoring the major non-news story of the weekend, specifically that Hilary Clinton has announced her presidential exploratory committee. It’s non-news because, well, we expected it. The funny thing is that her hand was forced by the early entry of Barack Obama. Now the two announced Democratic candidates share the dubious distinction of simultaneously being the two frontrunners and the two least-likely-to-be-elected people in the country.

This is partially a commentary on the lack of social progress of the American voting public, partially a commentary on the lack of political acumen of the Democratic leadership, partially a commentary on the lack of likeability of both Obama and Clinton.

1. This country will not elect a black Democrat to be President. Period. It’s too easy to play on the fears of the prejudiced American public to marginalize the candidate as an anti-white crusader or a pro-black activist. A black Republican (Colin Powell, Condi Rice, maybe even JC Watts wayyyyy far down the line) has a much better chance at being considered as a centrist, especially one that’s already held a prominent national cabinet position.

2. This country will not elect a woman Democrat to be President. Period. It’s too easy to play on the fears of the misogynistic American public to marginalize the candidate as a man-hating, mood-swinging, menopausal harpy (like Hilary is already considered by more than half the country). A woman Republican (Condi Rice) has a much better chance at being considered as a centrist.

3. For now, Obama is the golden child of the media. His pre-emptive strike on the presumptive Clinton candidacy was slick and savvy… for a candidate. But it’s gonna hurt him in the long run, because it put him out front too early. He effectively is giving the muckrakers a six-month head start on creating a negative image for him, something that can only hurt as he attempts to create a national persona. It was premature and rash to announce so early, but he needed to start the fundraising asap to counter the Hilary machine.

Shit will start leaking out from the Obama camp; wait and see. You’ll still be hard-pressed to find many people who know what this guy stands for. It’s only a matter of time before someone finds a skeleton. And since he doesn’t have a historical image to fall back on, the skeleton will become his persona.

We all know Hilary. And many hate her. The single most polarizing figure in American politics today. Is she qualified? Oddly, I would say "yes". Is she electable? Hell no.

2007-01-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

So the dominoes keep falling in the online poker world… Neteller is now free from the noxious world of gambling, and free to enter the world of stress-free bankruptcy. I pulled my last few hundred dollars from their coffers earlier today. After all, I was only using them as financial conduit to the poker sites. Once that particular circuit is broken, I have no further need for them. I suspect hundreds, maybe thousands, will use the same reasoning and strip Neteller of their available cash.

Oddly, all this comes at a time when Mrs. Commish is actively encouraging me to play in poker tournaments. She’s seen the benefits of a positive poker cash flow, and now she’s almost planning on it. The trouble is that the variance pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction, I can hardly see it. Last night, I lost in a HORSE multi with three pairs (aces up) against pocket kings that rivered his two-outer. Earlier in a SnG, my AK was rivered by AT that spiked his ten.

One thing that I have done very well in my online poker experience is ride out the bad swings in variance without busting. I’ve been able to scale my activity back to the $5-10 SnGs until statistical probability regains its foothold. One thing I haven’t done well in my online poker experience is ride the positive wave up to the bigger rewards. I’ve topped out at the $30 range for the most part, content to build my bankroll at the more modest levels. If and when the math actually starts working, I’m planning to move up in buy-ins more aggressively.

Anyway, in other non-poker stuff…

- American Idol has become a retard-fest. While the Minnesota show was merely pathetic and devoid of talent, the Seattle show was inexplicably filled with freaks and sub-humans. It was almost like Howard Stern sent his Wack Pack to the tryouts just to fuck with Simon Cowell. They gave more camera time to a pair of mongoloid double-digit IQ’s than they did to the legitimately talented singers.

- It seems that the Grease tryouts had more talented people than Idol. Of course, it was still filled with delusional ex-high-school-thespians (“But I played Danny Zucko in the school play!”) and the occasional midlife crisis victims (“This might be my chance to make it to Broadway”). Some went so far as to suggest physical similarities to John Travolta, ignoring the fact that he’s now over 50 years old and 50 lbs heavier than his Grease days. Anyway, this is the talent equivalent of “The Bachelor” compared to the Idol equivalent of “Flavor of Love”.

- Great trade by the Warriors, even if it means picking up a legitimate psychopath in Stephen Jackson. They unloaded two contracts totaling $80M for the next four years, meaning that they will have cap space to sign Biedrins and Monta Ellis to long-term deals. All they need to do now is get Adonal Foyle to retire (possibly by buying out his contract and setting up a foundation for his charitable work), and they’ll be able to actually build a team.

- The NFL is almost entirely off my radar now. But I feel compelled to speak out against Marty Shitforbrainsheimer and his complete lack of coaching prowess during the playoff game against New England. He committed four key blunders to cost them the game.

- (1) When it’s 4th and long for the other team, a good COACH tells his players to “knock it down”. Don’t leave it up to the players. Tell them. That’s why you’re there.

- (2) When the other team is driving for a go-ahead field goal, you don’t waste a timeout on a pointless challenge that wasn’t even close to being overturned. That extra timeout would’ve come in handy during that last drive. Asshole.

- (3) When you have 9 seconds left, and you’re on the ragged edge of field goal range for your kicker, you run a 10-15 out pattern on the sideline to try and get him closer. It’s a timing pass, so it won’t take more than 6 seconds, especially when you’re at home. There’s a big difference between a 54-yard figgie and a 44-yard figgie.

- (4) Oh, and when you have the best running back in the galaxy, you give him the frickin’ ball more than 23 times! They ran two screen passes and averaged 30+ yards, so the logical thing to do is stop running them, right? Dumbass.

- I can’t stand either of the NFC teams and I’m sick of both of the AFC teams. If Chicago wins, Rex Grossman will be the worst Super Bowl quarterback since David Woodley (yes, I think Trent Dilfer, Stan Humphries, and Kerry Collins were better). If New Orleans wins, we’ll be subjected to two weeks of Katrina-this and recovery-that. Blah blah blah. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think the NFL is rooting for New Orleans. Expect Chicagoans to start complaining about the refereeing before the national anthem is over.

- This will be Peyton’s chance. New England isn’t that good. No more Ty Law or Rodney Harrison. If not Sunday, then we’re gonna hafta think that it will be never.

- Colts 27, Pats 24. Saints 21, Bears 17. Peyton vs. Payton in the Super Bowl.

2007-01-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

First off, Happy New Year! Here’s hoping everyone finds pocket aces in the hole, and two aces on the flop all year!

Second, what’s with the Saddam hanging? For crying out loud, Abraham Zapruder filmed the Kennedy assassination better forty-plus years ago with a Super8 camera. Couldn’t Al-Jazeera have paid for the rights and put a proper camera in the execution chamber? I’m surprised it wasn’t on pay-per-view. Oh well, maybe next time…

Third, I told you so about Frank Gore. I predicted 1200 yards and 10 TDs. He actually produced almost 1700 yards and 9 TDs as the 49ers exceeded all expectations for the year. Kicking the lifeless Broncos to the playoff curb was the highlight of a major rebuilding season for the boys in crimson and gold.

p.s. I got a Joe Montana vintage 1984 jersey for Christmas. I must say I look very studly in it.

Other quick sports notes

- Barry Zito, 7 years, $136M. Excuse me while I teach my son to throw left-handed.

- Raiders are on the clock. My guess is that they’ll fuck up and pick Brady Quinn, who has Rick Mirer/Ron Powlus written all over him. They should pick Adrian Peterson and get a franchise RB, trade Moss and Porter for more picks, and draft nothing but OL and one QB. Then call Denny Green.

My brother-in-law has thrown himself whole-hog into the poker fad, playing a live tournament New Years Day at Garden City, a local card club. The problem is that he sucks at poker. Badly. I’m pretty sure when you play tournaments with 20% vig, combined with a lack of talent and lack of self-awareness, you’re gonna lose money. Well, he dropped $160 yesterday on the entry and finished in the bottom half. Apparently, this has been a fairly frequent occurrence lately (according to my niece and nephew) and my sister seems to be clueless about the implications of it all. Gee, some people really need to curb their gambooooling tendencies…

On the bright side, wifey now realizes that being “ok” at poker translates a lot better financially than “sucking”. She’s pretty sharp though. Today at lunch, she said “That doesn’t mean you can go ape-shit on poker just because Eric [brother-in-law] is worse than you at poker. I know that’s how you think.” Well, she’s right. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Dammit.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown...

2006-12-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all from the Commish family!

Twas the week before Xmas...

2006-12-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

Quick poker content: Full Tilt continues to be a profitable little site for me. Between HORSE SnGs and the 18-seat $20/30 SnGs, I've been steadily building (and withdrawing) funds at about a $200-300 per month basis. Wifey is totally on board with the poker now, though she is claiming domain over the funds because of some wife-imagined rule of "lost spousal time".

I satellited into the Sunday HORSE $40K tournament last week. Donked off my money in LHE to Michael Craig (yes, that Michael Craig) with a set on the turn that made his straight. I didn't put him on the straight initially and probably should have just check-called on the river after we capped it on the turn, but I brain-farted my way out in 20-something place.

- The 49ers are still alive for the NFC West title! Show of hands, who thought we'd be saying this after week 15?

- During the company Xmas party/casino night, I was shuffling my chips absently when someone commented "Watch that guy, he's a serious gambler." We had four guys openly counting into a four-deck shoe and all quadrupled our stakes. Of course, Karma dictated that we didn't win shit in the raffle, but it was a good opportunity to practice my card-counting and chip-shuffling.

- On the Dugglebogey/FTP snafu - Dugs is calling it a “hack”, which would imply that the system was compromised somehow to give someone access to his (relatively) meager account. In reality, this is a “leak”, similar to those laptop thefts where passwords and credit card information are pulled from a stolen computer. If he is using the same password for all his accounts (blogger, poker sites, porn, whatever), it’s likely that an admin or desk drone at one of those sites swiped the password.

- My kids are using "pwned" as a verb wayyyy too much (pronounced 'poned'). I guess the influence of the internet slang has reached the junior highs.

2006-12-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

I’m not a big conspiracy theorist. I usually ascribe people’s behavior to spur-of-the-moment bad judgment or just plain stupidity, but the refereeing in the Saints-49ers game yesterday was impossibly skewed in favor of the Saints.

Listen, I get it. New Orleans suffered a big-ass disaster last year. We all feel bad for the city. Even I sent money to relief efforts (which I’ve done exactly twice in 40+ years, for 9/11 and for Katrina).

But let’s not start handing them football games or overturning calls because the fans might get upset. No less than SIX crucial calls went against the 49ers, two of them had to be overturned to ensure the Saints would get the victory.

1. Pass interference in the first quarter – Alex Smith underthrew Antonio Bryant along the left sideline. The Saints DB turned to find the ball, and blocked Bryant’s path to the ball. The official correctly threw the flag for pass interference. Mike Carey (who is becoming the Don Denkinger of the NFL) came over, reminded the official that they were in New Orleans, pointed out the crowd reaction to the replay which was egregiously shown on the JumboTron, and picked up the flag. Asshole.

2. Reggie Bush = Rob Lyttle = Ben Rothlisberger. None of these guys need the ball to score touchdowns. Two of Bush’s touchdowns were scored when he extended the ball out trying to reach the goal line and got it punched away. One of the fumbles was recovered by the 49ers, the other went out of bounds around the one-yard line. Yeah, he’s an exciting back, but he should still have the fucking ball in his GRASP to score.

3. One play turned the game. 14-10 Saints. The 49ers had just recovered a surprise onside kick and had all the momentum. Antonio Bryant ran a deep dig at around 15 yards. Mike McKenzie (is he still around?) chucked him (penalty, unless you’re playing in a city that recently suffered a hurricane and floods). Bryant fell down (admittedly weak, but may have been trying to draw the penalty). McKenzie dove over him and picked the ball off. He appeared to clip Bryant while diving over him to catch the ball, meaning he should be marked down at around midfield. Again, the “NFL disaster relief rule” comes into effect and the play continued. McKenzie gets up and dances down the left sideline and cutting back at the ten, may or may not get clipped by Alex Smith. On his way down to the ground, he bobbles the ball, losing it completely when he hits the turf. The 49ers recover and the referees decide the play was too exciting to rule against the downtrodden Saints, and make a quintuply bad ruling.

a. No Pass Interference or Illegal Contact – Not horrible, but certainly arguable. Contact was made with Bryant. Whether or not he should have fallen is debatable.
b. Not down by contact at midfield – Partially Nolan’s fault for not making this call on the spot. If McKenzie didn’t touch Bryant while flying over the top, he should be in Cirque de Soleil.
c. Out of bounds? – From the spotty camera work, McKenzie comes awfully close to stepping on the line around the 20. Again, this is borderline.
d. Down by contact? – Again, the initial ruling was that Alex Smith whiffed, and Mike Carey overruled the official after looking at the instant replay of the flooding in the French Quarter.
e. Fumble? – Watch the replay. He’s losing control of the ball AS HE FALLS, which is why it popped out when he hit the ground. Even if Alex Smith clipped his foot, it should still be a fumble! Again, this is ignored for the sake of the children made homeless by the hurricane.

I’m not saying the 49ers would’ve won the game, but it’s irritating to have the referees taking such an active role in GIVING the game to the Saints. Once the first pass interference was waved off because of fan reaction to the instant replay, I knew the game would be biased in favor of the Saints.

I guess the NFL really wants the “feel-good story of the year” to make the playoffs this year.

2006-11-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

Some random ramblings culled from the last couple of weeks:

- Turkey has no flavor. Next year, I’m gonna ask for a bucket of the Colonel’s finest, and see which one gets eaten fastest. I’m down with the mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy, but dammit, I want flavor with my animal carcass!

- Michael Richards now has a career as a Harassment Awareness speaker, which is more than he had before he went on his ill-advised hate spiel. If you really want to hurt the guy, cut off his Seinfeld DVD royalties and force him to give his residuals from reruns to the United Negro College Fund.

- I keep trying to cash down at Full Tilt and PokerStars and keep winning to build it back up. Case in point, I get down to < $100 at FullTilt, I win a couple of SnGs, place in a couple more, and build up my roll to around $350. I cash out for $250 and leave $100 to play with. And I win a couple of SnGs (including a $50+5 HORSE), build it back over $300, cash out for $200 more, and am currently re-re-re-building it. All in November. I’ve followed a similar pattern in PokerStars (where SharkScope has me designated as a “shark”). Not sure why all my Tilt results aren’t showing up.

- Buying the kids a PS2 for Christmas, following my long-standing policy of buying a video game system when its replacement is released. First two games for the kids are Dance Revolution (for the girl) and Guitar Hero (for the boy). The tough thing is that I prefer playing sports (Madden, Tiger Woods) and FPS (Ghost Recon, Rainbow Six, Call of Duty, Medal of Honor) on the computer rather than the TV. I prefer to play video games on the TV (Mario, DK64, Zelda). I need to figure out what the best goofy games are for the PS2. Hell, I might even turn to ebay and buy ten or twenty at a time….

Political ranting! Caution!

- Nancy Pelosi has predictably steered the Democratic Party bandwagon into oncoming traffic by appointing bootlickers, felons, and cronies to the committee chairmanships, rather than actually promoting party leaders that would actually appeal to the electorate. You axed for it, you got it. Rudy Giuliani and John McCain thank you.

- What’s with this newfound fascination with Barack Obama? How many of these so-called “supporters” know anything about his history or background? I’ll bet that most of the mob is captivated by his personality and his youthful vigor, and don’t have the faintest frickin’ clue what this guy stands for. Idiots.

- Why isn’t there a third party that has any traction in this country? Both parties have distasteful platforms and terrible leadership. I honestly believe that the majority of people in the country would vote for someone who:

o Has a strategy for Iraq specifically, and the Middle East in general – Either economic sanctions, military containment, governmental intervention, or some combination… but a detailed description of what we will do and when it will be done. The administration’s position is “stay the course or we risk the collapse of the puppet leadership and the fundamentalists will regain control”. The Democrat’s position is “the administration is wrong”. Well, WTF should we do? I haven’t seen a single fricking SOLUTION from anyone that addresses the lack of Western-friendly leadership or the abundance of Western-hating terrorists in Iraq.

o Is pro-choice and pro-death penalty. Statistics show that the majority of voters are pro-choice and the majority of voters are pro-death penalty. The question is how much do the two groups intersect. The problem is that you have Bible Belters and bleeding hearts who will never agree and never change their minds, and these are the asshats that make up the leaderships of both major parties.

o Has a strategy to handle the three topics that affect voters the most: domestic security, taxes, and crime. Bonus points for an educational policy and/or an immigration policy. Here’s a clue though, the Republicans have the inside edge on all five of these.

- And I don’t get all of you whiners who are bitching about having the Feds tapping our phone lines. If they save ONE person from dying, it’s worth it. Because law-abiding citizens aren’t giving up anything. This isn’t a slippery slope here. This is a moment in time when lunatics want to kill Americans. DON’T YOU GET THAT?

[ring]

Bad guy #1: Did you purchase the materials?
Bad guy #2: Yes, the bomb has been assembled.
Bad guy #1: Good, we will detonate the bomb at [:click:]

This interrupted, non-monitored call brought to you by the Democratic party. Enjoy your liberties. Dumbasses.

If the Feds want to hear who my son has a crush on, or what I think about the 49ers chances of making the playoffs, or my wife’s recipe for Jambalaya, FINE. Just stop the bad guys from blowing up the good guys.

- If you traveled over Thanksgiving or are planning to travel over Christmas/New Year’s, you should be glad that we have people tapping phones and torturing prisoners, because you are safer because of it. And neither of these methods started with this administration, so get your head out of the sand there. The internet-powered media is what fueled much of the outrage.

- And cut the crap about Gitmo. FDR created internment camps for US citizens during WWII and stole their property. But there weren’t blogs about it at the time. Nor did the media make a big deal about it. Why not? We were at war at the time.

- If you’re anti-Bush, fine. You have more than enough reasons to be. He’s a terrible public speaker, has no vision for the future, and doesn’t seem to know how to motivate worth a crap. He’s a lousy diplomat, has virtually no discernible skills, and isn’t very bright. He was also thrown into a crisis situation almost immediately, and has spent the majority of his time dealing with (his distorted view of) terrorism. Is the world worse off than it was five years ago? Probably, but that’s not all his fault. If you want to blame someone, blame OBL

- Are you personally worse off than you were five years ago as the result of something that GW did? Somehow, I doubt that.

2006-11-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

Back to the old grind. I’ve been busy for the last week getting certified to deliver Leadership and Customer Service training for an international training cartel. I know this because the certificate is sitting on the shelf right in front of me and I can read reasonably well. I’m not sure I can actually train any better than I could before the seminar, but now I have a certificate.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the last two weeks since my last post. Democrats have taken control of Congress, the 49ers have won two straight, Britney Spears has filed for divorce; the world as we know it… is changing.

As many predicted, the anti-Bush brigade had their way last week, and overwhelmingly shoved aside the Republicans in both houses, leading to wild cheering from the liberal ranks. Now comes the hard part.

No, I’m not talking about passing laws or distributing chairmanships, I’m talking about controlling the liberal zealots and not doing the exact things that led to their pre-November deficit to begin with. Of course, the liberals start by putting the botox-riddled corpse of Nancy Pelosi out in front of the party, which is roughly equivalent to the Republicans trotting out Jesse Helms or Strom Thurmond. It really points out just how truly out of touch the liberals are. They have a chance to lead the country with a centrist, and claim the middle 2/3 of the electorate by steering away from their traditional tax-and-spend and social welfare, but their first step is to put the most liberal douchebag possible in charge of the House.

Pelosi is the exact WRONG choice to be Speaker with her liberal Bay Area constituency. This shows that the Democrats stupidly believe the election to be an affirmation of their “values”, as opposed to a repudiation of Bush’s policies and values. Instead of promoting a LEADER for the masses, they trot out a shrieking harpy who will immediate alienate many of the moderates for both parties. So the Democrats continue to push their extremists into the forefront, completely ignoring the thoughtful moderates.

The smart thing would be for them to NOT change much of anything, and hope that the massive failures of the Bush Administration continue through the 2008 Presidential race. My guess is that they won’t be able to help themselves, and giddy with their “mandate”, will proceed to pass incredibly stupid social legislation along with some tax-the-middle-class-to-feed-the-poor taxes. And lose any chance at the White House in 2008.

I’m hoping that the US electorate remembers what happened the last time we had a Democratic congress and a Democratic president for a full term. Do Jimmy Carter and 16% interest rates ring a bell?

And I gotta say this little bit, even though it’s rather pointed to some of my five or so readers: If you voted for a candidate purely because of the UIGEA, you’re an idiot. With all of the things going on in the world, and all of the issues that will touch our children and our grandchildren, to put ANY voting weight at all on a fricking unenforceable gambling regulation is completely stupid.

From Yahoo News

2006-10-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Experts: Ban won't stop Web gambling
By ADAM GOLDMAN, AP Business Writer 1 hour, 21 minutes ago
NEW YORK - Gamblers may look over their shoulder now, but experts say a new Internet gambling ban won't keep bettors from ponying up, just turn them on to overseas payment services out of the law's reach.

"It has put a terrible scare into people," said I. Nelson Rose, who teaches gambling law at Whittier Law School. "But it won't by any means wipe out Internet gambling."
The fright swept through the $12 billion industry on the heels of the recent arrests of two gambling company executives and a new law President George W. Bush signed Oct. 13 that seeks to ban most online gambling and criminalizes funds transfers.

The law has wiped out billions of dollars in shareholder value of British companies, leaving the industry's future in doubt as U.S. lawmakers initially trumpeted they had found a way to halt bets coming from the America.

But serious questions remain about whether the legislation can be effective in stopping U.S. residents from playing poker or betting on sports.

The "Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act" goes after the money, not the millions of players, which would be nearly impossible to enforce.

It will essentially try to choke off the way Americans fund their gambling habits, hoping to prevent the transfer of dollars to the popular Internet sites.

It's also widely understood that the law has online poker in its gun sights, identifying it as a game of chance — something the poker companies dispute. They believe poker is a game of skill and therefore not subject to the new rules.

But they're fearful nonetheless.

"Their mission is to kill the funding of online poker, and that's what this law does," said Mike Sexton, who hosts the popular World Poker Tour and has won millions as a professional player.

The new law comes amid an explosion in online gambling, fueled by the Texas Hold 'em craze and widespread access to the Internet. In addition, dozens of Web sites have sprouted up that allow any gambler with a credit card to bet on any sport they choose, for any amount of money they want.

Industry experts say there are an estimated 2,000 Internet sites that take bets for sports and poker. American players have fueled Internet gambling, supplying $6 billion of the $12 billion in revenues generated annually.

"The time has been one of rapid growth," said Sebastian Sinclair, president of Christiansen Capital Advisors, a gambling consultant. "This industry was well on its way to becoming mainstream in a great part of the world. Capital was tripping over itself to fund these companies."

The new law gives the U.S. Treasury and Federal Reserve, along with the Attorney General, 270 days to establish policies and procedures.

"The regulations are clearly going to prevent banks from doing electronic fund transfers to gambling sites, but that is no big deal," Rose said.

Clamping down on the banks won't serve as a panacea, Rose said. In some cases, banks simply move the money to payment processors, known as e-wallets. Non-U.S. payment processors such as the widely used Neteller then transfer the money to the Internet gambling sites.

The U.S. government has no authority over processors like Neteller that are operating legally.
Anthony Cabot, a well-known gambling lawyer in Las Vegas, thinks language used in the bill provides a loophole for the payment processors and the U.S. banks that want to be free to do business with them.

"Unless you have some fairly Draconian measures ... the likelihood of stopping payment to them is small," Cabot said.

Much damage has already been done to the offshore sports betting industry without the looming regulations.

British BetOnSports PLC folded after its chief executive was arrested in July by U.S. authorities. David Carruthers faces 22 counts of fraud and racketeering charges and remains under house arrest in the St. Louis area.

London-based Sportingbet's chairman was detained last month in New York on a state fugitive warrant charging him with illegal online gambling. He was eventually freed.

Both arrests sounded serious alarm bells for those running sports wagering sites that take American bets.

The new legislation has already had a dramatic effect. It supposedly clarifies the 1961 Wire Act, explicitly outlawing Internet gambling, including online poker.

It creates new criminal penalties, which have rattled investors and executives — although Rose said it doesn't expand the act, and there's no indication the Justice Department is about to a huge campaign to enforce the law.

Still, the biggest publicly traded names in Internet gambling on the London Stock Exchange and AIM, the exchange's global market for growing companies, could not afford to flout American law. When news broke earlier this month that Congress has passed the bill, Internet gambling companies traded on those exchanges lost a combined $7 billion in market capitalization.
PartyGaming PLC, once the envy of online gambling with its more than $8 billion IPO in 2005, is now trying to figure out how to save its business model. It runs what was once the world's biggest poker site, PartyPoker, and has said it will no longer take payments from the U.S., eliminating nearly 80 percent of its revenue and sending its stock plunging.

Another poker company, 888 Holdings PLC, also said it would stop taking U.S. bets, ensuring its profits will fall dramatically.

Sportingbet and Leisure & Gaming both sold their U.S. operations for a dollar. Sportingbet said its exit from the U.S. market cost it nearly $400 million.

The bleeding didn't stop there. Neteller and FireOne, which owns e-wallet FirePay, also saw their stock price plummet. On Oct. 2, FirePay announced it had stopped doing business with sites that might take U.S. bets, including PokerStars. The decision forced PokerStars, now the biggest poker site in the world and a registered business in Costa Rica, to rely on Neteller to take money for bets headed to its site.

"There are privately owned operators that will continue to take play as long as they have payment processors that will work with them," said Sue Schneider, publisher of the online gaming magazine Interactive Gaming News. "I think the big question is whether the volume remains the same. But I don't think any of this means there will be less people playing on the Internet."

Neteller has said it is evaluating the law. If Neteller abandons PokerStars and other sites, their bottom lines, no doubt, will be hit hard.

But so far, Neteller's decision to work with PokerStars has amounted to good news for sites not afraid of scorning U.S. law.

Experts say while the new law has forced the public companies out of U.S. market, it has left poker players and bettors gravitating toward private companies.

Both PokerStars and FullTilt have already seen traffic on their Web sites surge, taking advantage of any short-term gain now that some of the competition has been sidelined. On its Web site recently, FullTilt boasted: "We're Here to Stay!" and offered bonuses to sign up.

This isn't the first time the industry has faced a serious setback. In 2001, Visa and MasterCard and other merchant banks stopped allowing money to be sent to Internet gambling sites.
Like then, Sinclair thinks Internet gambling will recover again. It's simply too lucrative.

"There will be a big hit to the industry," Sinclair said. "A big hit. But it's not going to be long term, it's transitory until somebody finds a solution to whatever roadblocks are put in their way. There's too much money for it to go away."
____
Associated Press Writer Jane Wardell in London contributed to this report.

2006-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Here’s a first for me. I’m playing a $30+3 HORSE SnG last night at FTP. I’m not paying attention to the chat box much as I putter along with an average stack. I win a small pot and I notice that one of the other players had commented on my play, “That guy always catches cards”. I responded “Who, me?” The guy to my left, Blujahz (I think) said “You’re in my notes. You always seem to get cards when you need them.”

Oh really!

Now, I took this as an open invitation to steal pots. Obviously, this guy thought I was a luckbox and took the time to advertise it to the others. So, I started betting every scare card like it filled my hand. Y’know what? It worked. I ended up 2nd because I double-bricked a killer draw in Stud-eight, but doubling my buy-in is OK with me.

For example, during one of the later LHE sections, I had 33 in SB. Cutoff raised after one player limped. I called, hoping to hit my set on the flop. Else, I could bail cheaply. Well, BB (blujahz) and the limper both called. Flop was J65, missing me completely. It got checked to the raiser who bet. I was getting 10-1 minimum with great implied odds, especially given that I was pretty sure the BB and limper would passively call or fold. So I called. Naturally, the turn was a three. I bet, knowing that he was more likely to raise me than call a check-raise. Sure enough, he raised and I three-bet. He called and the river Ace spiked. He was all-in after we capped it and I took down his AJ rivered two-pair with my set. Blujahz immediately started on the “See? I told you! He always gets what he needs!” Uh, yeah, whatever. I played the pot odds and they finally paid off for me.

Gee, do you think I’ll be exploiting this table image with these guys again?

Another time, I had J9/3 rainbow in Stud-eight. Two others called the bring-in with low door cards, so I figured I’d splash around and try to pair one of my hole cards. Next card was a suited 2 to match my door 3. It got checked around. 5th street was the ace of suit, giving me 32A suited on top and total garbage underneath. Blujahz bet with… I dunno, I didn’t even look at his cards. One guy called with a baby pair, and I fast-raised them. They both folded faster than the Raiders. I said “Good folds guys” just to let them know I had a monster.

I’ve never had a table image before. It might be fun…

2006-10-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, it’s been almost two weeks since my last post. I coulda sworn I posted something last week, but whatever.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. 43, if anyone is counting. Feel free to transfer some poker funds to FTP to ToddCommish as a show of generosity.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the poker world since my last post. Party has pulled up stakes and completely bailed on the US market. Coincidentally, my Party/Empire stakes were zeroed out around the same time. Hmmmm…

FullTilt and PokerStars have been picking up the pieces from the Party blowup, offering some tasty reload and first deposit boni. I haven’t noticed a huge dropoff in the quality of play, but I’m in the shallow end anyway. Last night, I managed to get rivered on the bubble of a $20+2 SnG with JJ against some assclown with 33 who rivered his two-outer. Sigh.

Neteller is still operating and has been nice and fast about the bank transfers. No doubt, they see their long term future tied to cooperating with customers and not pissing anyone off. Mrs. Commish is now pissed at the anti-poker police cutting off this particular income stream. “Why are they trying to protect stupid people? If they want to lose money, we should let them.” Ahh, that’s my girl.

Special Halloween alert! The Jr. Commish wants to go out for Halloween as FLAVA FLAV! We’re gonna look into getting him a Viking hat complete with horns, a grill, and a giant clock to wear around his neck. We’re still waffling on the blackface, but if he goes through with it, I’ll post some pics. Significantly, Mrs. Commish has indicated her displeasure with the idea.

Some football thoughts:

The Oakland Raiders are on the clock….

The parallels between the 1980 49ers and the 2006 49ers are getting stronger. Good offense, 2nd year QB, shitty defense with a horrible secondary, lousy tackling. If the 49ers can make it to 6-10 and draft Ronnie Lott in the first round, I’ll be ready to pronounce them playoff contenders.

Troy Palomoluoluouo, get a haircut or tuck your hair in. Either way, quit your whining. You’re lucky LJ didn’t try to helicopter you. Freakin’ hippie.

Would there have been a full day of Sportscenter devoted to Cory Lidle if he was still on the Devil Rays? I say no.

Spice Girl update: If I could pick which one I want to be, I would pick the ugly one. Think about it, that way you could sit around and see the four good-looking ones (Posh, Sporty, Ginger, and my favorite, Baby) change in the dressing room, you get 20% of the money, and you wouldn’t have to sleep with guys. Win-win-win. You might even convince one of them to “experiment”…

DP Birthing alert!

2006-10-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Impending Baby DP alert... Contractions for Mrs. DP are six minutes apart as of 11:15pm CST

Place your bets. By this time tomorrow, there will likely been one more Donkeypuncher in the world.

2006-10-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

OK, the run on the banks has begun. Most online poker players have begun pulling their cash out of the online sites, regardless of the Kevin Bacon “Animal House” exhortations to “Remain calm… All is well!”

I’m cashing out to the tune of about $1300, leaving pocket change (less than $50 each) at three sites; FullTilt, Empire, and Party. Oh, and I’m literally leaving pocket change (less than $.50 each) at PokerStars, Pacific, and UB. It’s ironic that all of this happens right when I get Mrs. Commish on board with the gambling aspects. I can see the correlation between the new law and my success though. If these fish are losing money to a hack like me, they must be losing TONS of money to better players. That can’t be good for their families and/or creditors.

Now, that doesn’t mean I agree with the new law. After all, these people should have a right to their addictions, just like alcoholics and Brett Favre. Lousy gamblers should have a right to gamble away their welfare checks and mortgage funds…just like I should have the right to take their money in a fair test of skill. I don’t think this law will pass scrutiny should it get to the Supreme Court, but that doesn’t mean I won’t cover my ass by pulling my money back.

Think about it, are they going to prohibit online paying for insurance policies too? After all, isn’t life insurance just betting on your death?

Anyway, IMed with the DonkeyPuncher last night. He’s cashing out about a grand as well, no doubt to prepare for the imminent DonkeyFoal that’s due to arrive this week. I threw up in my mouth as I bought a Chicago Bears infant outfit online and sent it for the little tyke. At least the boy is arriving in an up year for da Bearss… I’m not sure if I’ll be in the immediate loop once the DP becomes a daddy, but I’ll post it here as soon as I find out. Odds are that Jeff will be on the hospital’s wireless network anyway, blogging between huff-and-puff and $3/6 Hold’Em.

2006-10-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

This hullabaloo over the Internet “Online Gambling is bad” Law seems to have struck the online poker community hard. Party has already waved the white flag, Pacific waved it as well (but nobody noticed). Other sites have taken to issuing press releases and panicked letters to their depositors saying, in essence, “Please don’t ask for your money back”.

Now my opinion isn’t as useful or influential as Bill’s or Iggy’s or Pauly’s, but I try to view these situations as “opportunities”, so bear with me while I talk out loud about the potential benefits.

1) Sites need to promote “Deposit into our site NOW so you can avoid the lockdown!” All news stories seem to focus on the “you can still withdraw money, you just can’t deposit for the purposes of betting”. If I were FTP or PokerStars, I would pound this home offering HUGE bonus opportunities with severe raking requirements.

2) There are also big opportunities for money laundering schemes as well. For example, a Canadian-based bank can deal freely with the online gambling sites. Look for a rush on Canadian (and Mexican) post office boxes. I would suspect some foreign entrepreneur is probably already selling access (via bogus overseas addresses) to degenerate US gamblers.

3) Here’s a scenario. Let’s say toddpoker.net (based in, say, Aruba or even Canada) is offering freeroll tournaments if you have a minimum of a $50 credit balance at, say, toddbuystuff.net (a site where you can buy teddy bears). You get that by paying $55 for a $5 bear, and you have a credit in your account of $50. Now you’re qualified for a freeroll poker tournament where the prize is a funded account at toddpoker.net for $50. We pay all ten seats the same. Remember, you spent the money on a teddy bear, so you’re not depositing money in a gambling account… Anyway, after a certain time frame, you can withdraw money from toddpoker.net equal to your credit amount at toddbuystuff.net while we send two larger teddy bears from toddbuystuff.net to relieve the credit balance.

Since toddpoker.net is an overseas operation, you can withdraw money from it freely (or so they tell us). Since you received three cuddly teddy bears for your $75, your money didn’t “technically” go to the gambling site. If anyone implements such a view, I get a cut. If it’s illegal in any way, shape, or form, I don’t know anything about it.

2006-09-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Paramedic: (Garbled) "Dallas Fire."
Etheredge: "Hi. Hi I need an ambulance please, immediately."
Paramedic: "OK. What's your address?"
Etheredge: (gives address, crying)
Paramedic: "What's wrong?"
Etheredge: "I think he took too many pills. Please. Now. (Garbled) What do I do if the pills are down the throat?"

[TRANSLATION]
Etheredge: "My meal ticket is acting loopy... He might have taken pills... If he dies, I'll have to get a real job... He might be dying... Oh, but all publicity is GOOD publicity."

T.O. didn't try to kill himself. But his publicist (aka blood-sucking whore) overreacted herself right onto the front pages. Her line about "TO has 25 million reasons to live" shows what she thinks of him. He's nothing but a slot machine to her, and she's gonna keep pulling his handle (figuratively and literally) as long as he pays out.

2006-09-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Some quick Monday morning thoughts:

§ 49ers looked overmatched yesterday against the Iggles. The only player who didn’t look completely outclassed was Alex Smith… a good sign. He showed poise in the pocket, and good instincts and strength when he got out of it.

§ Can we stop handing the ball to Frank Gore inside the five?

§ Everyone needs to get off of Tom Lehman’s back about the Ryder Cup. When you lose by a 2-1 margin, it wasn’t the teaming for four-ball that killed you; it was LOFT. Lack of fucking talent.

§ The WSOP telecasts are highlighting some horrible poker play. It’s amazing how much it’s starting to look like the MansionPoker and UltimateBet push-fests. Even Norman Chad is spazzing out over the seemingly random all-ins. When even a know-nothing commentator complains about the level of play… that’s when you know you’ve jumped the shark,

§ Played some indifferent poker over the weekend. Remember that fifteen bucks I got from Empire a few weeks ago? That’s now over $400. I’d say that’s a good ROI.

§ E! network had an entertaining, but mis-ordered list of the most memorable moments from Saturday Night Live, first aired in 2004. They listed the top moment as the Wayne’s World sketch with Aerosmith. Hell, that wasn’t even the top Wayne’s World sketch. So here for my own edification, are the most memorable moments in SNL history.

10. Refrigerator repairman – Dan Aykroyd’s hairy butt crack in the nerd sketch fixing a Norge refrigerator. Astonishing to actually see a butt crack back in the 70’s. Groundbreaking (and unappetizing) stuff at the time.
9. Wayne’s World (tie) – Halloween and Biggest Babes of all Time – The Top Ten Halloween treats included “Hurl. No, seriously, there was this guy down the street who used to give out bags of his chunder.” Top Ten Babes of all Time included Nancy Kulp, Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies, as “something to clear your palate, sort of a babe sorbet.”
8. Point/CounterPoint about Michelle Triola and Lee Marvin – “I guess what you ladies are saying is that while you’re on your backs, the meter’s running.” Dan Aykroyd’s rant should be part of every courtroom palimony case from now on.
7. Jesse Jackson reading “Green Eggs and Ham”. This showed me that Jesse is a great actor, capable of saying complete nonsense in a totally serious manner, kind of like he does every time he’s in front of a fucking camera.
6. Buckwheat is dead – Most have forgotten that this was intended to be a spoof of Nightline’s coverage of the Hinckley attempted murder of Reagan, full of repetitive video clips with Ted Koppel spouting “Let’s run that video again”. A couple of years later, they had a follow-up sketch showing that Alfalfa did it.
5. Olympic Synchronized swimming with Harry Shearer and an almost frighteningly retarded Martin Short. Seriously, watch this sketch and tell me whether you think Martin Short is a couple of chromosomes short of a full deck. Hysterical spoof of every “Up close and personal” vignette from the Olympics.
4. Joe Montana – OK, this is the one I least expect anyone else to recognize. But one of the last sketches of the show Montana hosted had Joe playing “The really nice guy”. The gist of this sketch was that he was a genuine sincere guy who really thought nice thoughts until his closing line “I think I’ll go upstairs and masturbate”. One of the hugest WTF- did-he-say? moments in my life.
3. The Sinatra Group – Phil Hartman as the Chairman sitting between Sinead O’Connor, the guy from 2LiveCrew, Steve & Eydie, and Billy Idol (played by Sting). “I got chunks of guys like you in my stool!”
2. Chippendales – Yeah, this had a high “Ugh” factor because of Chris Farley’s flapping flesh, but dammit, you remember it. And, for all his problems, Chris Farley was a spectacular physical comic, conveying pathos and slapstick at the same time.
1. The French Chef – Dan Aykroyd’s gory tribute to Julia Child takes the top prize. I was in my early teens when this originally aired, and it is one of the few times I can remember when I laughed until I was literally breathless. “Save the liver!”

2006-09-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

“When I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a rollercoaster – Up, Down, Up, Down. Oh, what a ride! It was just so interesting that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled… all together. [pause] Some didn’t like it. They went on the Merry-Go-Round, but that just goes around… Nothing! I like the rollercoaster; you get more out of it.” – Grandma, Parenthood

This is one of my favorite movie quotes ever. People that don’t have kids don’t get it. I always related it to having a family. After all, the movie is called “Parenthood”.

But I suppose you can relate it to poker as well (ok, I’m reaching, but stay with me here). There are so many ups and downs in a single week of poker, each hand can be an adventure some days, each hand can be boring and rote on other days, but there is always the possibility of something exciting every time you pick up your virtual cards.

I’m on a mini-rush at Empire right now. I’ve won (not just cashed, WON) three of my last four $20+2 SnGs and came in second in the one I didn’t win. I’m winning the races now and not losing to suckouts. Some of it is good play, most of it is simply getting my money in while I have the best of it, a small bit of it is suckouts. Now, all of these have come on the heels of a really bad experience with back-to-back rivered four-outers (tidy little 120 to 1 odds) to take me from chip leader to bubble boy in another SnG.

I’m not big on hand histories, but this hand shows a beaut of a suckout, this time for the good guys.
***** Hand History for Game 5221965549 *****
0/0 Tourney Texas Hold'em Game Table (NL)
(Tournament 29049479) - Thu Sep 21 23:40:36 EDT 2006
Table Speed 1291295 (Real Money) -- Seat 1 is the button
Total number of players : 6
Seat 1: chewer4u (5704)
Seat 2: NOSAL1 (780)
Seat 3: ToddCommishE (885)
Seat 4: Fitness_24 (3215)
Seat 7: dfisher19 (3512)
Seat 9: stylus777 (5904)
NOSAL1 posts small blind (300)
ToddCommishE posts big blind (600)** Dealing down cards
**Dealt to ToddCommishE [ 9c, Ah ]
Fitness_24 folds.
dfisher19 folds.
stylus777 raises (1200) to 1200
chewer4u calls (1200)
NOSAL1 folds.
ToddCommishE calls (285)
ToddCommishE is all-In.
Creating Main Pot with $2955 with ToddCommishE
** Dealing Flop ** : [ 5s, Qd, 6d ]
stylus777 bets (1100)
chewer4u raises (3100) to 3100
stylus777 raises (3604) to 4704
stylus777 is all-In.
chewer4u calls (1404)
chewer4u is all-In.
** Dealing Turn ** : [ 8s ]
** Dealing River ** : [ 7s ]
Creating Side Pot 1 with $9638 with chewer4u
Creating Side Pot 2 with $200 with stylus777
** Summary **Main Pot: 2955 Side Pot 1: 9638 Side Pot 2: 200
Board: [ 5s Qd 6d 8s 7s ]
chewer4u balance 0, lost 5704 [ As 6h ] [ a pair of sixes -- As,Qd,8s,6h,6d ]
NOSAL1 balance 480, lost 300 (folded)
ToddCommishE balance 2955, bet 885, collected 2955, net +2070 [ 9c Ah ] [ a straight, five to nine -- 9c,8s,7s,6d,5s ]
Fitness_24 balance 3215, didn't bet (folded)
dfisher19 balance 3512, didn't bet (folded)
stylus777 balance 9838, bet 5904, collected 9838, net +3934 [ Ac Ad ] [ a pair of aces -- Ac,Ad,Qd,8s,7s ]

OK, so I’m the shortest of short with 1.5BB in my stack and I have to pony 2/3 of that in the big blind. With A9o, I don’t have much choice but to push. Stylus777 is a pretty decent player (he and I have been heads-up a few times for the top slot in SnGs) and chewer4u is apparently a dumbass. Stylus is content to value bet his pocket rockets on the flop with me all-in. Chewer thinks his middle pair is worth pushing (?), seemingly oblivious to the relatively empty sidepot. According to the CardPlayer calculator, I’m roughly DEAD at this point with less than a 2% chance of winning. I either need running nines or seven/eight to win. Nice to see a 49-1 shot come in for me. But I still had to capitalize on it to cash, let alone win.

Four hands later, there are four players left (bubble time) and I’m tied for third with around 2600T. I pick up the dreaded 88 middle pair in BB and the guy I’m tied with pushes. I’m practically forced to call and he turns over the expected Ace-face (AJ) for a yucky race. He rivers the nut heart flush, but the chips come my way because the hearts are conveniently numbered 4-5-6-7 giving me the nut straight flush. I was ahead the whole way, but it’s still nice to pull a big hand.

So, just by mentioning it, the streak will probably end today. No matter, another streak somewhere will start up. Maybe for me, maybe for you. For every ten players that are down, somewhere someone is up. I like the rollercoaster.

2006-09-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

My how times have changed…

About a year or so ago, I had my hands full convincing my wife that online poker was NOT part of the slippery slope towards compulsive gambling; that it was instead a profitable avocation that paid for several home furnishings. Last night, I finished off a tidy little $20+2 SnG win by softplaying a turned second pair against an overpair. I pumped my fist and said “Yesssss!”. This brought my son over to see what happened.

Wife: “What happened now? Did he win a poker hand against some other idiot?”
Son: “He won a tournament! One hundred bucks!”
Wife: “Is that all? Why don’t you win some real money?! Why don’t you win enough for a plasma screen?!”
Me: “Do you want me to play bigger tournaments? Because I can…”
Wife: “No, just keep doing what you’re doing…”
Me: “Yesssss!”

Football News:

- Frank Gore. I told you so.

- OK, maybe I was wrong about the Panthers. And the Dolphins.

- Hmmm, Drew Brees takes over for Aaron Brooks in New Orleans. Aaron Brooks goes to Oakland. New Orleans is 2-0. Oakland is 0-2. Coincidence?

- And the Raiders deserve to be 0-6 for the way they’ve played their first two games. Bad beyond all measures of bad. Not only have they played badly, they’ve quit on their coach. In week TWO.

- Randy Moss makes TO look like Mother Theresa. At least TO tries.

- Big game this week for the 49ers. We’ll see if they’ll challenge 8-8 this year, or will be 4-12 with a bullet.

- Way to shit the bed, Golden domers. Brady Quinn, meet Ron Powlus. Ron Powlus, get back to work and change the oil filter in my car.

Other commentary

- Nothing against the people in the MansionPoker.net challenge, but you people suck at poker. Not just bad play, but stupid play.

- The Democratic Party has stooped to re-running ads that show Schwarzenegger stumping for President Bush in 2004. No policy statements, no plans for the future, basically saying “He likes Bush. If you hate Bush, you should hate him.” The only people dumber than the Democrats running the ads are the idiots who follow that logic and vote for Phil Phucking Angelides who will tax us back to the colonial days.

- I don’t know what type of voter info they provide in your state, but whenever I get the Voter Information packet prior to an election, I rarely read the propositions. Instead, I check out WHO wrote the “for” and “against” arguments and the financial impact reports and decide based on that. If it will cost ME money and it’s something I don’t care about, I’m against it. If the freakishly radical ACLU is for something, I’m pretty sure I’m against it. If Barbara Boxer is for something, again, I’m pretty sure I’m against it. And vice versa.

2006-09-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ack, I’m in a (temporary) luck downturn in poker, that pendulum swing backwards that always takes some of my bankroll. Odds-on favorite hands are losing. Pot odds don’t exist for me. Domination? It’s an illusion perpetrated by the poker gods who wish to mock me.

AK against AJ on the bubble? No good. Board makes two pairs and makes the kicker moot. So next hand, QQ against AQ? No good. River spikes an Ace. Very next hand, now I’m the shortstack forced all-in preflop with TT against 87s. No good. Q87 flop. Makes runner-runner flush to boot. AK, QQ, TT in consecutive hands. Split, lose, lose. IGHN.

I found myself applauding the 49ers on Sunday, despite the loss. I was almost like a little league coach rooting for his youngsters, cheering their effort rather than their results. Alex Smith looked like an NFL quarterback, something I didn’t see at all last year. Frank Gore is a stud, though he runs almost too aggressively… It’s gonna be hard to keep him healthy. Vernon Davis looked great, he looked young, he looked inexperienced, he looked like Jerry Rice in his rookie year (I hope).

The pass defense looked absolutely abysmal. If you have any fantasy receivers going against the Niners this year, play them. I don’t care if you think they’re your fourth and fifth receivers, play them. They will score against these guys.

The turning point was in the very first quarter on Arizona’s first drive. The Niners had marched down on their first possession and scored a touchdown rather authoritatively. Arizona had started to drive into 49er territory just as authoritatively when Kurt Warner threw a mistimed hook route right into the arms of Sammy Davis (some rookie DB) who had nothing but green grass between him and the endzone. He dropped the ball, leading to my “He would’ve had it if he didn’t have a glass eye” comment to my wife. If he makes the pick and runs it back, the score is 14-0 and the Arizona fans would immediately be taken out of the game. I knew right then that the Cards would score on the drive (they did), and the 49er defense would be torched (they were).

But the team showed some offensive hope, which reminds me of the 1980 team who put up some nice offensive numbers, but had a terrible defense. That team went 6-10 with a 2nd-year quarterback (some guy named Montana) and blossomed the next year after a draft of almost entirely secondary players (Ronnie Lott, Eric Wright, Carlton Williamson). Of course, this team has a lonnnnnng way to go before they can approach that level, but I have more hope today than I did last week.

Which is more than Raider fans can say.

NFC Preview 2006

2006-09-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Quick poker hit before we move back to the NFL Preview show… Lost FIVE straight SnGs on Empire due to inattentive (and just plain bad) play. Got back on the gravy train by winning one yesterday to keep the bankroll respectable (> $175). Making almost $200 from a cash handout is roughly like what most bloggers are doing at Mansion with the infamous Pittsburgh hedge option fund.

Anyway, moving onto my fearless NFC Predictions:

East: I’m just not seeing why others are predicting a resurgence in Dallas. They have the most mentally fragile QB in the NFL, they have the most volatile WR in the NFL, and they have the least sympathetic coach in the NFL. Not a good combination. I’m also not seeing why people aren’t giving the Giants any love. Eli is getting better. They have a solid thunder-lightning combo at RB and a decent defense. Philly has Donovan and not a whole helluva lot else. Washington has a high payroll and not a whole helluva lot else.

New York Giants (10-6), Philly (9-7), Dallas (7-9), Washington (5-11)

Central: Who the hell cares? I mean, seriously, do you think any team here really deserves to be in the playoffs? The Bears have a defense and no offense. All this Grossman/Orton/Griese crap is just a smokescreen to hide the fact that they really don’t have much of anything, aside from the shittiest division this side of the NL West. Minnesota and Detroit will fight for second with likely sub-.500 records, and the rotting corpse of Brett Favre will lead the Packers to a richly deserved last place finish.

Chicago (10-6) mainly because they’ll go 5-1 in the division, Minnesota (7-9), Detroit (7-9), Green Bay (5-11)

South: Carolina will roll. I know Foster is injury-prone which makes the D’Angelo Williams pick brilliant. Delhomme is still underrated, and the Me-shawn pickup will prove to be shrewd as well. Atlanta is still waiting for Michael Vick to morph from Kordell to Donovan, but it ain’t happening, but they are good enough to contend for a wild card. Tampa Bay will be better, but relying on Chris Simms is dicey at best. New Orleans will be more exciting to watch with Reggie Bush, but still bring up the rear.

Carolina (13-3), Atlanta (10-6), Tampa Bay (8-8), New Orleans (7-9)

West: Eww. Seattle will win the division. They have the most stable offensive group, both in talent and health. St. Louis will be in the wild card hunt with the shucking of the Martz yoke. And forget all this hype around Arizona. They’ll be .500 at best. Quick, name a person on their defense… Uh-huh, didn’t think so. The 49ers will scrape out five wins at best. Fantasy sleeper here is Frank Gore. 1200 yds, 10 tds. 4 wins.

Seattle (11-5), St. Louis (10-6), Arizona (7-9), San Francisco (4-12)

Playoffs:

Wildcards: St. Louis and Atlanta

NFC Championship: Carolina vs. New York Giants

AFC Preview 2006

2006-09-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, queue up the printer because it’s time for the Commish’s NFL Preview edition! Remember, these selections are based on over 30 years of observing the NFL as a fan, and 20 years of observing the NFL as a Fantasy Football geek.

AFC Preview

East – Mark my words, Tom Brady will be injured this year. Throwing over 500 times with an ineffectual running game will expose him to more hits than ever before and the law of averages for QB injuries will catch up to him. With this injury comes a new top dog in the East, Miami. Look for Chris Chambers to put up Moss-type numbers as Culpepper’s primary target. Buffalo and the Jets will continue to poke along in mediocrity, struggling for six wins each.

Miami (11-5), New England (9-7), NY Jets (6-10), Buffalo (5-11)

Central – It all hinges on Carson’s knee. If he’s even close to 100%, the Bengals will win this conference in a breeze. Big Ben will struggle with injuries that may or may not have anything to do with this Busey-esque off-season. Baltimore will be better because McNair > Boller, but won’t contend because their defense is getting old. Cleveland might get to four wins, but don’t bet on it.

Cincinnati (11-5), Pittsburgh (10-6), Baltimore (7-9), Cleveland (3-13)

South – This division is the equivalent of the AL East. You can pretty much slot the teams for their final positions on day one. The only intrigue here will be whether Jacksonville slips into a wild card slot and whether Vince Young ends up starting more than half the season in Tennessee. Otherwise, it’s ho-hum as Peyton will lead the Colts to a stirring playoff collapse yet again.

Indy (12-4), Jacksonville (9-7), Houston (6-10), Tennessee (6-10)

West – Three-way battle in this division with the Raiders bringing up the rear... again. I think Denver pulls this one out with San Diego coming on late and Kansas City fading. Shanahan seems to have built a Jake-proof game plan that enables him to win ten games every year, albeit with smoke and mirrors. San Diego will be completely dependent on Philip Rivers’ learning curve. If he calms down early and moves the chains with LT and Antonio, they’ll be very dangerous if they make the playoffs. Kansas City has no defense. Neither do the Raiders, but the Raiders don’t have an offense either.

Denver (11-5), San Diego (10-6), Kansas City (8-8), Oakland (5-11)

Playoffs:

Wildcards: San Diego and Pittsburgh nosing out New England and Jacksonville

AFC Championship: Indianapolis vs. San Diego

2006-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Y’know, when you think you’ve had a bad weekend because you lost $33 in three straight SnGs, think about this… You could’ve had your chest cavity pierced by a poisonous barb.

Poker-wise, I actually played well, busting out all three times with hands when I had at least a 2-1 pre-flop odds advantage. So I’m not completely despondent over losing. One time, we were down to the final five and I ran my AKs into a deadly A7o that made a runner-runner flush after a flopped 7 and turned K. Another time, my QQ ran into another A7o that hit a nice gutshot to make a Q8645 board. Wonderful.

But better than having my heart punctured by a sting ray.

At some point, when you’re in your 40’s and you have a wife and two kids, you need to start thinking about the future and settling down a bit. Perhaps taking a job as a zoo director… or being like Marlon Perkins and sending Jim Fowler into the dangerous areas while you sit back in the Mutual of Omaha studios with a cigar and brandy. Swimming around with venomous sea creatures is contraindicated. Swimming around with venomous sea creatures without any protective gear is strongly discouraged.

My kids loved Steve Irwin. They grew up watching Animal Planet and various other nature shows with him, especially since I discouraged them from watching the animated crap that passes for cartoons these days. If they wanted to watch television, I wanted them to learn something. Now, if they’ve learned anything, they’ve learned that doing dangerous shit is, well, dangerous. Scott “Dilbert” Adams had a great blog entry (since removed, doubtlessly because of protests from the more squeamish) about the lessons that kids can take from Irwin’s death. Specifically, Adams talked about how parents can now invoke the Crocodile Hunter’s name whenever they tell their kids about dangerous animals (“You better stay away from that strange dog. You don’t want to end up like Steve Irwin.”).

It’s nice that his friends are playing the “At least he died doing what he loved” card. But what the hell does that do for his kids? They’re 8 and 3, for crying out loud. He had a responsibility to THEM. And he failed at that. Oh sure, they’re probably financially set for life, but now they don’t have a father. And that should have been his #1 priority.

2006-09-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Sigh. More Empire goodness...

$90 - $11 SnG = $79

$79 - $11 SnG + 2nd place ($30) = $98

Now is where the fun starts

$98 - $11 SnG + 1st place ($50) = $137

$137 - $11 SnG + 1st place ($50) = $176

That's right, two straight wins and three straight cashes. I'm gonna write a book on "How to build a pathetic poker bankroll with free money". It'll be on the shelves somewhere next to "Pressure Poker". Meanwhile, Empire will probably see a cash-out very soon...

Anyway, bought the XM system last night, along with a new Sony home theater sound system. Cost me $402 at Best Buy and another $270+ for a two-year subscription. I've already decided that it's worth every penny. The entire family loves the setup and we've got some long car trips coming up where we'll be rocking along to Channel 46. Besides, it's only poker money.

Maybe I should title the book "How to use online poker to buy cool shit"...

2006-08-31T14:59:00.000-07:00

More Empire news:

$62 - $11 SnG loss = $51

$51 - $11 SnG + $50 WIN = $90

So now I'm up to $90 from NOTHING in a week. It's remarkably similar to what I accomplished at Party a couple of months ago with some free cash (up to $150 and still pumping).

Five minutes after booking that win, I logged into a $33+3 on FullTilt and came in 2nd when my TT ran into AA heads up. Not sure there was anything I could do about that one. I ain't folding TT to anyone preflop heads-up, but I still pocketed a tidy $50+ profit there.

Almost time for my fearless football prognostications. Stay tuned.

Hint: the 49ers won't make the playoffs... Oh, I've given too much away already...

2006-08-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, Empire… Recap time: They hand me $15 for, uh, nothing. They have rules about cash out. I ignore rules, try to run up money in SnGs.

I win. $62 now, and I’ve satisfied their betting requirements. Time to grow the Empire funds.

$15 - $11 SnG + $30 for second place = $34

$34 - $11 SnG (bad playing) = $23

$23 - $11 SnG + $50 for first place = $62

Since I’ve laid out $33 in stakes, I guess I’ve satisfied their cashout requirements because the money is showing up as unrestricted. Three days. And I’m up $62. I figure at this pace I’ll have $7500 in a year. And that’s just playing $11 SnGs. One per day. Suh-weet.

---

Oh, and to follow up my Heigl comments... A hint for you guys who have wives that complain when you ogle big breasts spilling out of blouse or dress:

Wife: You're so shallow, why do you always look at big boobs?
Me: If a guy walked by and had his dick hanging out, would you notice?
Wife: That's not the same thing!

Isn't it?

2006-08-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Start of the week, start of the school year, right after the Emmys thoughts:

- Evangeline Freakin’ Lilly. Holy hotness!

- Katherine Heigl looks to have, um, grown since the season finale of “Gray’s Anatomy”. My wife said “She must have just bought those boobs and wants to show them off”. I was applauding while my wife was giving me dirty looks.

- The Dick Clark tribute was cool right up until the time when he showed up on stage, almost incomprehensible because of the stroke. That really shook me up, because if Dick Clark is aging, what hope is there for the rest of us?

- And by having Simon Cowell introduce him, are they saying the TV mogul torch is being passed? Can you imagine Dick Clark being booed?

- The Aaron Spelling tribute was equally cool. I would’ve preferred to see more scenes from “Charlie’s Angels” and “90210”, his two signature (and historically iconic) shows, but the bonus of seeing the now elderly Angels troop out onto the stage was pretty nice nonetheless. Kate Jackson has aged well. So has Jaclyn Smith, though she must be using botox to look like that. Farrah… well, Farrah looked used, and her comments sounded almost coherent. I’m sure the producers had her in detox for the last week so her “speech” would be less slurred.

- Evangeline Freakin’ Lilly. I just wanted to say that again!

- I’m not sure I understand the fascination with Ellen Pompeo. Sure, if she was my doctor, she’d be hot. But compared to the Hollywood glitterati, she’s nothing special. Hell, Helen Mirren looked hotter.

- And I’m sick of the liberal fawning over the Daily Show. Have you noticed that it wins Emmys when it’s skewering a Republican President, but didn’t win shit when it was mocking Clinton? I hate liberals.

We’re going through our annual torture that comes with the first day of school (tomorrow). We’ve been trying to wake the kids up early to get their body clocks in tune with their schedule, we’ve been having “dry runs” so my daughter can get used to riding her bike to the middle school (big trauma since she walked two blocks to the elementary school), we’ve been running around buying school supplies since our kids seem to “forget” what they were told to bring. It’s basically been a fucking nightmare. Every. Single. Year.

Oh, Empire gave me some money this weekend. $15. Just handed it over. Desperate times over there… There are some stupid rules about taking it back if I don’t play raked hands within 10 days or something. Fuck ‘em. I played an $11 SnG and immediately came in 2nd, giving me some playing cash. I’ll play a couple more and try to build up my own little poker pyramid scheme. I’ll keep the blog updated with my progress. I’m up to $34. Not bad from ZERO.

This XM-radio thing is complicated. I’m probably going to go with the SkySomething2 doohickey with car kit and home kit. After reading up on it and talking to a friend that has it, I think it comes with a special decoder-type thingie that needs an antenna to pick up the satellite signal. If I have the decoder thingie in my car (and the antenna attached somewhere), I can play the signal through my cassette deck. If I have the decoder thingie in my house (and a different antenna attached somewhere else, pointing towards Antarctica or something), I can play the signal through my home stereo system. I think.

My first (and possibly only) fantasy football draft is this week. I have done NO research whatsoever. I bought a magazine yesterday, which will likely be the extent of my prep. I’m pretty sure that I won’t be picking any Bears, Raiders, Browns, or Vikings this year. Or any receivers with the initials T.O.

2006-08-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

Pluto is no longer a planet. Of course, this move was hailed by scientists, astronomers, and elementary school book publishers who must now recant all of the “My very extravagant mother just spent Uncle Ned’s pay” mnemonics. I’m sure someone will come up with a particularly offensive one soon.

This is the astronomical equivalent of the English Premier League, and Pluto has just been demoted to the newly formed Second Division with Ceres and some other rocks that just happened to be pulled into orbit around this particular sun. In reality, does this affect anyone? I mean, are there Plutonian experts that are now getting cut off from grants and not allowed to come to planetary conferences? In other words, is this news?

Oh, and on the Jon Benet killer thing. I told you so. That psycho child molester got better treatment on the jet to the US than the American consulate in Thailand. Of course he wants to be here. And now his family wants to sell his story. Why don't we just fucking kill every single one of them?

Pokerwise, I’m taking a chunk of money from Neteller, previously held for whoring purposes, to buy XM-satellite radio for the family. This serves a number of purposes: it shows wifey that poker winnings can pay for cool stuff, I like the programming (NFL, NHL), and it lets me upgrade our home sound system. A good friend of ours has XM and we loved some of the stations. Sirius is too dependent on Stern to be a long-term option, and the sports programming is better on XM. The Giants are on KNBR, a 50,000 watt station that you can pretty much get anywhere west of the Rockies, so I wasn’t too concerned about getting their broadcasts via a satellite radio service.

Anyway, wifey is suitably impressed, both with my largesse and the poker profit. So it looks like we won’t have any more ugliness around my poker time. I’m planning a wireless speaker set-up, allowing the music to be heard anywhere in the house. I’m shopping around the Internet to find the best set-up based on range, quality, and cost. I’ll probably try to keep the expense reasonable (<$1K total), so I’ll still have some Neteller cash available. You never know when a nice 100% bonus for SnGs might come up!

p.s. Another profitable night in SnGs. I swear to God, if Party ever gets HORSE, I’m not gonna play anything but those tables. Hell, those people haven’t even figured out NLHE yet, imagine what a fish tank it will be for HORSE!

2006-08-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

I haven’t gone off on a rant lately and now seems like an opportune time with all that is going on in the world…

- Soooooo, it appears that they finally caught JonBenet’s killer after, what, TEN years?! I want you all to think about this scenario, and tell me if it passes the giggle test. Authorities catch some pervert red-handed (like videotape “red-handed”) killing some kid in a foreign country. He’s about to be castrated and/or viciously beaten in a Thai jail and fed lizard shit and crickets for the rest of his life. Some American agents come by and say “If you confess to about ten unsolved murder mysteries, we’ll fly you back to the US, and you can spend the rest of your life getting three square meals at San Quentin. Of course, you’ll be cornholed every day, but you get to keep your Johnson.” What would you do if you were the perv? Is this possible? Likely?

- No more fluids on an airplane. Fine. If we have reason to believe terrorists want to use my Crest and my Garnier Fructisse to blow up a plane, we should stop them from bringing the shit on board. I get that. But, why are we still letting Middle Easterners on planes? I’m pretty sure all terrorist plane hijackings in the last ten years or so have been done by Middle Easterners, toothpaste or not. Haven’t been many blonde, blue-eyed hijackers since, oh, EVER. Haven’t been many Japanese or Chinese hijackers either. Hmmm, this might be profiling, but why not just restrict the travel of THE SINGLE ETHNIC GROUP that is committing all of the midair violence!

- Let’s just say you created a special airline just for Middle Easterners… Jihad Airlines. Of course, others can fly on the airline too… if they choose. Meals will be traditional ethnic meals, no more Spanish Omelettes or Roast beef. Flight attendants will be properly burqa-ed. No carry-on luggage at all, every bag will be gate-checked. Each plane will equipped with a remote detonator just in case someone saw “World Trade Center” or “9/11” and felt nostalgic. Every non-Middle Eastern traveler can stay on American or United or Lufthansa or whatever airline and go back to the pre-9/11 security measures. Of course, this is an extreme example, but would anyone really have a problem with this?

- Think about it this way. If you have a dog run… you know, one of those open field areas where people let their pets run around and crap and piss and hump with impunity…, and there are multiple fights and several dogs get killed. Each time it happens, it’s a Pit Bull who does the killing (or a Pekingese or a Shar-Pei, stay focused!). Would you make every dog take out his teeth before they’re allowed in, or would you simply say “No Pit Bulls”?

- Congratulations, Floyd Landis. Not only did you piss on the entire bicycling community and basically kill the Tour de France forever, but now you’ve killed your father-in-law. Have a nice trip down to hell. Don’t forget to pack your lycra shorts for the trip.

- Considering they’ve busted just about every cyclist for doping and/or drugs except Pee-wee Herman (different crime), maybe I should enter the Tour de France next year. Oh, and how come they can catch all these bicyclists, but there still aren’t any positive drug screens on Barry Bonds? His blood has been tested, they’re shooting for perjury charges now because they’re hoping that testimony from others will outweigh Bonds’ claims of innocence. Apparently, they have NO physical evidence on him.

- What’s the over/under on a Jamie Gold movie? Two months? Three? I can’t imagine a Hollywood sleazebag wouldn’t already be talking deal with the studios.

- It’s that time of year again. I dragged out the 49er highlight videos (yeah, I said “videos”… I’m old) from 1984, 1988, 1989, and 1994 to show my son what things were like when the 49ers were the best fucking team in the world, and not the collection of discards and never-were’s they are today. I pointed to the artistry of Joe Montana (GOD), the athleticism of Steve Young, the grace of Jerry Rice (pre-Dancing with the Stars), the violence of Ronnie Lott. Being a product of a cynical father, he said “Well, yeah, they look good, Dad. It’s a HIGHLIGHT tape.”

I’m planning to show him a tape of the 1985 Super Bowl where the 49ers dismantled the Marino-led Dolphins. Most of the pre-game show was dedicated to Marino and the Marks (Clayton and Duper). Most of the game was dedicated to Montana, Clark, Craig, and the defense. It was probably as dominating a performance you’ll see between two “evenly matched” Super Bowl teams. Even the 49er blowout of the Broncos was predicted by many. Super Bowl XIX was supposed to be a shootout, but only one team brought a gun. Maybe then he’ll appreciate why the 1984 team was probably the best 49er team ever and one of the top five NFL teams ever.

2006-08-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Won a $30+3 HORSE SnG last night. Funniest part was that I didn’t play particularly well in the Stud games (R, S, E) and that’s where I usually accumulate chips. Typically, these games start losing people around the 2nd round of Razz and that’s where I start picking up chips. By then, I have an idea who knows how to play and who doesn’t and I start targeting the bad players and only get involved with the good players if I have a monster.

This time, I jumped out to a pretty hefty lead during the first set of Hold ‘Em. Ax sooted turned the nut flush against top two pair and added 500 to my stack when blinds were only 20/40. I bled down during the Omaha section, but made a few mental notes about the table. One guy would raise with A2 or A3 all the way to the river, even if he was duplicated. He didn’t seem to get that a low pair wasn’t going to win high OR low. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any playable hands. I continued to bleed down during Razz where I made an ill-fated bluff attempt with two baby pair against a calling station with 98 that probably should have folded to my board. Mental note made.

During the first “cycle”, I can get some pretty valuable information by just watching the betting patterns carefully. You’ll see who raises with any Ace in Hold’Em. If I see this, I might stick around with any connectors and bet into him with an ace-less flop, even if I miss it. I stole multiple pots from one guy by doing that. In Omaha, I knew a guy had A2/A3 and kept pushing him when I knew I had him quartered with the wheel AND the 67 for the higher straight. He obediently kept raising and took his $0.25 on the dollar.

HORSE is still a new game to most people, who were wet-nursed on NLHE. I wrote about this months ago. But it’s still true. HORSE is still an experiment for a lot of players. With money. They’re dipping their toes in the waters and they’re willing to pay for the lessons. They don’t know that connectors (especially sooted) have good implied odds in Limit. They don’t know that A2 ain’t a guarantee of anything or that top pair is worthless in Omaha. They don’t look to their left in Razz to see if anyone behind them might have worse cards. I saw guys fold with a door 2 with only face cards showing behind them. If they had completed, they would’ve taken the pot in all likelihood. Amazing.

One side note: After I won, I went to kiss my son goodnight and told him that I won the HORSE tournament. “I’m sorry, Trev, you don’t know what HORSE is, do you?”

“Of course I do. Isn’t that the one with multiple games? I want you to teach me that one, Dad.”

I was so proud.

2006-08-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

OK, I don't get why some people feel a need to belittle, especially when they've been outplayed.

Full Tilt Poker Game #895211641: $22 + $2 Sit & Go (Turbo) (5998714), Table 1 - 250/500 - No Limit Hold'em - 1:45:23 ET - 2006/08/14
Seat 3: 459triple3 (5,672)
Seat 6: ToddCommish (7,828)
459triple3 posts the small blind of 250
ToddCommish posts the big blind of 500
The button is in seat #3
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to ToddCommish [Ah As]
459triple3 calls 250
ToddCommish raises to 1,500
459triple3 calls 1,000
*** FLOP *** [6h 3d 2h]
ToddCommish bets 1,500
459triple3 raises to 4,172, and is all in
ToddCommish calls 2,672
459triple3 shows [4d Kd]
ToddCommish shows [Ah As]
*** TURN *** [6h 3d 2h] [6c]
*** RIVER *** [6h 3d 2h 6c] [Kc]
459triple3: nice luck $##
459triple3 shows two pair, Kings and Sixes
ToddCommish shows two pair, Aces and Sixes
ToddCommish wins the pot (11,344) with two pair, Aces and Sixes
459triple3 stands up
ToddCommish stands up
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 11,344 | Rake 0
Board: [6h 3d 2h 6c Kc]
Seat 3: 459triple3 (small blind) showed [4d Kd] and lost with two pair, Kings and Sixes
Seat 6: ToddCommish (big blind) showed [Ah As] and won (11,344) with two pair, Aces and Sixes
459triple3 [observer]: donkey

Me? What does that make him? And I had the lead the entire fucking hand! And I goaded him into pushing with the worst hand. And I'm the donkey.

So, keep an eye out for 459triple3.

2006-07-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

What are the odds? Seriously, do you really know the odds? I played a SnG last night, made it to H2H down by a 7-1 chip margin, and won four straight all-in hands, despite being an underdog in all of them, and won.

Check it out.

Hand #2 of H2H (I folded 63 from SB in hand #1): I have 2367, he has 17633, Blinds 600/1200/50, I pick up K7o and push after he limps. He calls with QQ (?). My chances are 27.2% to 72.4% (note: all odds presented here are from cardplayer.com). Flop is Kxx rainbow punctuated with a 7 on the turn. I’ve doubled up.

Hand #3: I have 4734, he has 15266. I push preflop with A3o from SB, he calls with A9o. Ooops. My chances are 23.85% to 60.22%. Board comes J63,T, 5 and my juggernaut treys win. Now I’m almost even.

Hand #4: I have 9468, he has 10532. He pushes from SB. I figure he’s tilting like Phil Hellmuth at a DADI tournament and call with K5o. He flips A9o again. Double ooops. My odds this time are 36.23% to 63.31%. Board comes 8T5, 2, Q. He’s teetering on the precipice now.

Hand #5: I have lots, he has bupkus. I call his forced all-in blind with 82o (a near-hammer, not sure if it has a name yet). He flips a sooted Woolworth. 33.15% to 64.89%. Flop by now is a foregone conclusion. 88Q puts him in the grave, the 2 on the turn covers him with dirt. My money now.

Four straight hands. My BEST odds are 7-4 against me. Total chance of me winning all of these four hands preflop (when the money got in) was 0.77% or approximately 1 in 128.

Now, to be fair, I didn’t have to win the last one. I still would’ve had a huge chip lead, but even taking that one out of the equation, the odds were still about 40-1 against me, roughly the odds of a one-outer. So the next time I lose to a one-outer, maybe I won’t get as mad.

Maybe.

2006-07-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

The doldrums have hit the poker blogging community. It’s gotten so bad that CJ/G-Rob are threatening idle bloggers with banishment from their blogrolls. So here I am.

It’s 113 degrees here. That’s one-one-three. I’m lucky I made it to my air-conditioned office without sticking in the asphalt tar pits of our parking lot like some ancient mastodon. People are freaking DYING from the heat because PG&E decided that shutting down parts of the grid was a good idea, forgetting that some people need their A/C and modems (and possibly insignificant shit like refrigeration and health monitoring devices) to live.

I’m still playing sporadic SnGs at FullTilt and Party. I even joined a HORSE SnG for the first time in weeks (came in 2nd). I’m still not a good poker player, just better than some of the low limit clowns that infest the poker sites. I still make dumb moves, like the day before yesterday when I pushed a baby flush (52) into an adult flush (Q4) when I was two from the money. I cleverly thought I was closing out the high flush draws, ignoring the fact that someone may have already had the flush. Ahh, that was money well spent.

Mrs. Commish is on a new kick; adding on to our house. Little side note for you non-Californians out there. Our house is a three-bedroom, two-bathroom model with a typical suburban ¼ acre lot, 1372 sq ft. We bought it eight years ago for $244K. The same model is currently selling for $700K+. We’ve made some minor remodels (kitchen dome lights, Corian countertops, new tile, shade structure in the back yard) over the years, but with the kids now 13 and 11, we probably need more room. We had an architect come by last night for some rough sketches and some general advice. Basically, he says that additions cost around $250/sq foot. We’re currently considering a new master bedroom/bathroom with walk-in closet (guess which one wants that), along with an expanded dining room. Total sq footage = around 400. Do the math. $100,000. Nice.

Maybe I should’ve kept that HORSE satellite seat….

2006-07-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Ha! I lied yesterday. I popped onto Party just to see how much money I really had there and found $12 and change waiting like money in the sofa. So I did what any self-respecting card-playing donkey would do… I joined a $6 SnG.

And won. One of these days I’ll learn to just stay the hell away.

This was a beaut too. When we got to the final three and the 300/600 level, I had a minor hill to climb. I had 935 chips, not so good when the other two guys had 6,745 and 12,920. I chopped my first all-in with A3 against A4 when the river paired aces, negating the kicker issues. I folded one garbage hand before auto-pushing with K3 and tripling up when I tripped treys against A8 (one of the schmucks folded to a bet into the empty sidepot by the other schmuck… ahh, Party).

With over 4K in chips, I could be a little more patient, especially when I had already determined that the other two guys had NFI how to play the fold-or-push stages of a SnG. So I chip down to 2400 before picking up AQs in SB with blinds at 400/800/25. After the button limped in, I insta-pushed and…. Nothing. “Connection lost” was all that Party would tell me. I didn’t even know if it accepted my insta-push! I debated a quick reboot, but the system re-connected fairly quickly and I only missed one other hand. I won my push (obviously) and was rewarded with 6500 chips on my return. I immediately requested the hand history for the hand I missed and it turns out I was called by KTo. We both missed the JJ954 board and my Ace carried the day. The other hand I missed was AJo, which would’ve won as well. Oh well….

Woo hoo, now I'm up over $30 at Party! I'm ready for the big time ($11 SnG)!

Still alive...

2006-07-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I haven’t blogged in quite a while… Doesn’t really matter, but my one or two readers must be desperate for commish-related news.

Poker play has been lackluster at best. Only currently banking money at FullTilt (around $500) with about a grand sitting in Neteller. I just haven’t had the urge to play a lot lately. Sometimes (and this is a BAD thing), I’ll just pop onto a site and play a quick SnG and lose $20-30 faster than you can say Waffles. My interest level has diminished in my own play to the point where I’m making mathematically unsound plays out of boredom. It’s still interesting to me to read about poker (still check bloglines every day) and to watch poker on TV… I just don’t have the oomph to play.

Played in a home game this weekend, finished up $50 or so, after peaking at +$100 and buying in for $60. Played better during the home game than at any of the SnGs I’ve played in the last month, even though it was limit. I think I’m training myself to play limit better, but possibly at the expense of my NL game. Oh well. Two steps forward, one step back.

Glad you all had a great time in Vegas, props to all those who managed to cash in the ever growing WPBT tournament, especially for my old bud, the Donkeypuncher. I’m just wondering when a blogger (other than Wil) gets some face time on WSOP broadcasts, and is actually cited as being a blogger.

“Here is Paul McGuire, some internet readers may know him as ‘Pauly’, the blogger behind the popular ‘Tao of Poker’ blog. Norman, do you read his blog?”

“Gee, Lon, I can’t even spell ‘blog’, but my ex-wives could sure spell ‘alimony’”.

“Well, that’s because you’re a complete asshat and don’t know shit about anything. You must be blowing half of the ESPN programming staff just to get this gig, you fucking hack. Back to the main table, we see…”

Most of my non-poker leisure time has been taken up with Hardball Dynasty on WhatIfSports. My San Francisco Flaxseeds franchise is tied for first place in world #2, and my San Jose BadNewsBees franchise is struggling along at .500 in world #34. Oddly enough, I’m a “Hall-of-Famer” at WhatIfSports, an appellation they bestow upon geeks who waste more than $X on their site. There are around 1500 such designees and I’m not sure whether to be proud or mortified.

Anyway, in non-news, Michelle Wie didn’t make the cut on the PGA. This is a recording.

2006-06-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

It was freakin’ Ghana. Hell, they probably don’t even have a Starbucks.

Pathetic.

2006-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Finished in the top 20% of the PokerStars Blogger tournament. Total winnings = diddly-squat. Played my typical weak-tight game which was pretty ideal for this type of game, but was hamstrung by the table seatings. I was always disadvantageously placed vis a vis the no-shows and was always between two live players, meaning I rarely got a chance to steal cleanly.

I did manage to drop a sooted hammer fairly early, but otherwise didn’t see any cards to speak of. Since it was Father’s Day, I lost a few spouse points by insisting on playing, but Mrs. Commish might be coming around to the Dark Side.

Mrs.: How did you do in the tournament?
Me: Top 20%, but no money.
Mrs.: You didn’t spend time with us and you still didn’t win anything?
Me: Uh, would it have made a difference?
Mrs.: Of course it would have. If you’re gonna waste time, you might as well win.

Oooh, now I have the qualified approval to play cards whenever I want, IF… I win.

Baseball season is finally over for the boy. His team lost in the District semi-finals 6-5 on a last-inning comeback. He played like shit in the game, misplaying several Texas leaguers that he should’ve caught (or completely backed off of, and let the LF handle them) and going 0-3. However, they were still leading going into the last half of the last inning. The starting pitcher was almost totally out of gas and had just been thrown out at the plate the previous inning, so the manager pulled him in favor of the #3 pitcher, Josh, who seemed to be excessively nervous. He walked the first guy on four straight pitches, and you could see him practically hyperventilating on the mound. The manager told me that if Josh walked the next guy, he would put Trevor in with virtually no warm-ups.

Here’s where I might have effed up. I said nothing. I knew Josh was collapsing on the mound, physically and emotionally. I should have said, “Go ahead, Trevor is your man.” But I was too risk-averse with my son’s psyche. It would’ve been a difficult situation, but Trevor MIGHT have come through and shut down the rally. He also MIGHT have melted down just as badly as Josh did. But I never advocated for the opportunity, instead letting someone else’s kid cough up the game. I didn’t say anything to the manager and he agonized over the decision before leaving Josh in the game. Josh ended up giving up a hit, balking once, and finally walking home the winning run. I asked Trevor afterwards if he would’ve been OK about coming into such a pressure cooker. He said “Well, I wouldn’t have done worse…”. Josh was a complete basket case after the game. And I just didn’t want to see my son with that kind of weight on him.

But he also might have been carried from the field on his team’s shoulders. Risk-averse sometimes means you miss on some big opportunities. Shit. Being a dad (and coach) is hard. The hardest part is not knowing whether you’re doing the right thing. I might have taken away my son’s greatest moment in favor of sparing him his most painful. Crud. What do you think?

2006-06-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

We’re coming up on the first Father’s Day since my dad died. I’ve never been one for maudlin introspection, and I won’t start now. My wife and I were talking about it over lunch today. She hates the “Hallmark Holidays”: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretaries’ Day, Boss’s Day, all that crap. Mind you, she still expects to get shit on Mother’s Day, but ever since her mom died, her enthusiasm has steadily declined.

I suppose we’re all supposed to honor our fathers on Sunday. Well, I’ll probably do it in my own way, playing in the WCOOP Blogger Tournament which was thoughtlessly put on Father’s Day, no doubt by some single guy whose dad died a long time ago. But hey, my dad is the one who taught me poker (at least the hands, if not the strategy). So, what better what to commemorate him?

My son’s baseball team is in the District TOC beginning tomorrow. The top two teams in four regions are bracketed in a single elimination tournament with games Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday (if we make it that far). I understand that there was some infighting at the board meeting about having the games on Father’s Day before they decided against it. After all, half the teams are gonna lose. No need to send half the fathers home pissed off…

My poker play continues to be laughably mediocre. I keep reading through the dozens of poker blogs, and many of them are focused on being good players, rather than being successful players. Frankly, I’m successful without being good, partially due to game selection, partially due to a low setting on my “success” meter, partially because I’m not fixated on my play – I’m focused on the winning. Oooh, I might have missed a chance to pull off a “stop and go”, but I won the pot anyway. Oooh, I might have missed a chance to show down a cool bluff, but I saved my chips. I am a successful player. I’m profitable.

Now, I’m probably successful because I’m playing within the poker equivalent of the Special Olympics, but I have no such moral compunction about taking money from the less intelligent when it’s offered so readily. Why why why do so many poker bloggers insist on trying to beat the tougher games? Is it machismo? Is it ego? Is it stupidity? I’m sure many players that are treading water at $10/20 or even $5/10 could absolutely KILL the $1/2 tables or the $25NL tables, but they keep pounding away, never quite reaching the brass ring. Y’know, at some point, you need to accept your limitations, stay where you can WIN, and not follow the PeterPokerPrinciple:

Players at an online poker site will advance to their highest level of competence and then move up in limits and remain at a level at which they are incompetent until they lose their bankroll.

2006-06-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

So I see that al-Qaeda has designated the “replacement” for Zarqawi, some guy named Hamza al-Muhajer. Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall for that selection process?

HR rep: I see here that you’ve been a lieutenant in the fight against the non-believers. How do you feel that prepared you for this position?

Hamza: Well, I had extensive experience torturing kidnapped civilians, as well as some work organizing roadside bombings against the American occupation forces. In my last position, I also developed a system for connecting spider holes for easy access and easy escape.

HR rep: I see. I notice that there is a gap on your resume of a few months last year. Can you explain that?

Hamza: Well, I was detained by the American aggressors briefly. Once I was released, I immediately sought out new work as an explosives distributor. I felt it was important to add to my sales and finance skills to better run a large terrorist organization like al-Qaeda.

HR rep: That sounds great. Can you tell me about a time where you faced some resistance to one of your ideas, and how you handled it?

Hamza: Oh, I ran into that all the time in smaller terrorist cells. Everyone was trying to suggest good targets for suicide bombings, and even though I had more strategic locations in mind, I let them go ahead with their targets. After all, after their ideas were accepted and they got to attack their targets, they were dead anyway and couldn’t argue with me anymore. I’ve always found that leading a terrorist organization often means allowing internal opposition to blow themselves up. Eventually, you’ll be in charge. It’s all about patience, really.

HR rep: Would you mind if we contacted some of your previous organizations?

Hamza: Most are dead. I suppose you could, if you could find their spider holes. Like I said, I designed a pretty elaborate network.

HR rep: Before we finish, do you have any questions for me about the position?

Hamza: Well, I heard about what happened to Zarqawi… what changes are you expecting to make internally? I mean, I don’t want to take the job just before you decide to have layoffs, or, excuse me, “downsizing”. [chuckle]

HR rep: As you can imagine, I can’t discuss our future plans. Suffice to say, we will have a need for a manager as long as the imperialist dogs from America soil our land.

Hamza: [rising from seat] I’m glad to hear that. I’m still very interested in the position, and I’m anxious to hear back from you soon.

HR rep: Thanks for coming in on such short notice, and I’ll be back in touch with you in a couple of days. [standing and extending hand]. Oh, and death to America.

Hamza: [shaking hands with HR rep] Thank you for the opportunity. And death to America.

2006-06-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Bad week to be driving over a bridge or near a federal building, I would guess…

OK, apparently this al-Zarqawi is really dead this time. Now what? Do we think that the violent militants will suddenly fall apart and drop their weapons? And it was patently stupid of the military to show huge billboard-sized pictures of a peacefully DEAD al-Zarqawi. I mean, he looked totally at peace, which is exactly what we DON’T want the potential suicide bombing militants to believe. Seriously, why not partially sever his head with his eyes open or something? Then we could say, “This is what happens when you cut other people’s heads off! Not much fun, is it?”

Anyway…

I’m back over $500 at Full Tilt, playing primarily either $24 or $36 turbo SnGs. I’m not sure why turbo tourneys fit my style better, but I’ve always had remarkable luck (skill? serendipity?) at escalating blind games. Maybe it’s because I have the attention span of a mosquito in a Starbucks or something, maybe it’s because I have a (rumored) aptitude for playing the short stack, maybe I’m just a luckbox. In all likelihood, it’s because others don’t adapt their play to the accelerated structure and aren’t synchronized to the best times for aggressive/passive or loose/tight play. Whatever the reason, I’ve been doing well for years at Full Tilt, PokerStars, and even Party playing primarily single table turbos.

My 16th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. SIXTEEN. YEARS. I probably won’t play any poker tomorrow. Probably.

Oh, and the World Cup starts today. Zzzzzzzzzzzz… What’s the over/under on 0-0 draws in the first round?

2006-06-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

Happy 666 everyone!

And I’m not sure why people are acting like this is the Apocalypse… Even if you go purely on the (translated) biblical verse, it just says “let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty-six. “ It doesn’t say “the beast’s birthday is 666” or “the beast’s address is 666” or even that “the beast’s birthmark is 666”. It’s just his freakin’ lucky number! Don’t you have a lucky number?

Speaking of lucky numbers, I won a Party SnG by getting pocket kings… FOUR TIMES. Hell, my son could win a SnG if he got pocket kings four times. Each time they won a small pot because my 3xBB raise either took it down preflop or my ½ pot continuation bet took it after the flop. If the bad beat jackpot is still running tonight, I may try those tables, though I hate limit and $2/4 is a little steep for me. It’s a freeroll at Party, and I’m over $60, so what the hell…

I’m actually on a bit of a mini-run, cashing in five straight SnGs splitting time between Full Tilt, Stars, and Party. I lost one a couple of days ago on a sparkling two-outer when we were head-to-head. J9 hit the J93 flop hard. Pocket fives pushed after I offered a tentative looking min bet. I insta-called and lost when a five hit the river. That was a $50 card since it was a $25 SnG. Lovely.

I’m still tied with Michelle Wie for US Open Sectional Qualifiers and LPGA victories. She just has a better agent and publicist. And bank account.

I wonder if Livan Hernandez will be one of the pallbearers at Eric Gregg’s funeral.

That “speed poker” crap on FSN is ridiculous, though it was fun to watch the crayon-eating Tiltboy Perry Friedman get sucked out for the $25K. Some of the people that make the TV shows are horrible, horrible players. This African-American lady was playing this weekend and was probably the worst player I’ve seen on TV… ever. She made Kathy Najimy look like Kathy Liebert. It appears that Mansionpoker.net is the Special Olympics of online poker. You might win, but you’re still retarded.

Kiss a spawn of the devil today!

2006-05-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

Played in a home game on Saturday with the local baseball/football/lacrosse dads and reaffirmed several things about poker for me:

- I hate limit poker, especially with enough calling stations to give pot odds to just about any two cards

- I have pretty well figured out each one of the players and can make accurate reads about 75% of the time

- Making accurate reads 75% of the time isn’t good enough when a guy calls to the river with Ace-rag and rivers his ace to beat your pocket queens

- Making inaccurate reads 25% of the time can cost you a lot of money when you have flopped trips and lose to a flopped nut straight that passively calls, even on the river

- Pat is a really awful poker player. He dropped $100 for the third time in four home games playing $.5/1. The first thing everyone says when they get a call about a poker game is “Is Pat coming?” Now that’s bad.

- Pyramid Hefeweizen goes well with Tostitos and guacamole.

- A nice exchange for my biggest pot. I flopped the nut straight with 89s, check-raised the flop, check-raised the turn, sighed when the river put the third diamond on board, and checked it down, figuring him for a rivered flush.

Me - “Sigh, your frickin’ rivered flush is good.”
John - “I don’t have a flush”
Me – Spreading my cards, “Then you LOSE”
John – “&%^#&%$#&-er!”

- Bad poker with good friends, good beer, and lots of laughs = win-win, even if I only broke even financially

Pre-Memorial Day ramblings

2006-05-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

- Props to the American public for choosing Taylor Hicks over McPhee. Sure, I’d rather have her feeding me grapes while wearing nothing but one of my dress shirts, but the show isn’t “Feed Todd Grapes” (although there should be one… call my agent, stat!). Hicks definitely sang better on Tuesday. She’s been singing more and more like Crystal Gayle lately with the swooping notes and artificial country twang. Elliott will have a nice career opening for Harry Connick and Michael Buble while Daughtry will be fronting some rock band. Taylor will be playing nightclubs and county fairs in a couple of years, singing right next to Ruben and Fantasia, while McPhee will be on Skinemax playing a singer who will do anything to make it to the top.

- Speaking of McPhee, I just lurve it when women wear nothing but a men’s dress shirt. It just reeks of sex. Now, be honest guys, you’ve got that image in your head right now… McPhee tossing her hair back, wearing your shirt, and kneeling in front of… oh, you get the idea.

- Oh, hey, Party Poker just sent me even more free money yesterday, so I immediately threw into a SnG and placed. That’s the way to keep my business, guys!

- Is it my imagination or is the SnG traffic at FullTilt going down? SnGs are taking longer to fill and I’m not sure whether it’s due to ring games or tournaments. And did I mention that I suck at ring games?

- I’m part of a pilot group testing a new online baseball Sim at WhatIfSports. It called Hardball Dynasty and it’s horribly addictive. You control the entire machinations of a baseball organization, from Rookie ball all the way to the Majors. You budget payroll, scouting, medical staff, and coaching for all levels. You can set lineups, adjust pitching rotations, and develop players within your farm system. It takes a LOT of time (of course I would never dream of using company time to run spreadsheets of my minor league teams), and though it has some bugs, is tons of fun. Think of Madden football, but with minor leagues and real people running the other teams.

- My son’s team is rolling along in first place (12-2). He’s still batting leadoff, hovering around .375 with OBP of .480 and the starting shortstop. I know you don’t care, but it’s my blog.

- My daughter’s softball team is the equivalent of the Bad News Bears without the swearing. They can’t field, can’t hit, can’t pitch. It’s almost physically painful to watch them play. I feel bad because I can’t help the coach, who is genuinely nice guy, but doesn’t know how to teach or manage the game. He’s good at reassuring the girls and patting them on the back, but he rotates their positions and rarely has the right people at the right positions. I offered to help early in the year, but he said that they had plenty of coaches. None of them have the faintest idea what they’re doing. They all suck, but they’re out there helping.

- Democrats are beginning to eat their own out here in California. The gubernatorial (I love saying “gubernatorial”) primary features Phil Angelides and Steve Westley fighting for the right to take on the Governator in November, and they’ve already begun taking potshots at each other, ignoring the mesomorphic incumbent. Apparently, Angelides is a developer that rapes the land, and Westley is a crooked politician who takes money for political favors. Nice.

- Number of positive steroid tests for Barry Bonds = 0

- Number of people who insist Bonds is using steroids = 150,000,000

OK, what the hell, I guess I'm in too

2006-05-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

21 things nobody cares if I answer...

2006-05-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Not that TripJax axed me specifically or anything, but after reading several bloggers’ posts about these questions, I felt compelled to join in, if only to feel like I’m part of the “in” crowd, to validate my sad and pathetic existence.

Not really, but I felt like wallowing because I’m buried at work and need to work on something other than the 15-page proposal that’s due to my company’s President in a week.

1. What is the biggest mistake people make at a NL table?

If you mean a NL tournament, it’s going all-in early in a tournament pre-flop with less than Aces. Put it this way, if you have Kings and the other assclown has something as lame as Ace-rag (and is stupid enough to call/push), you’re only 70-30 to win. In other words, 30% of the time you’ll be logging off at the end of the hand. If you really think you’re any good, you can outplay the field and get better odds later.

2. What is the biggest mistake people make at a Limit table?

I hate limit, so I’m the wrong person to ask.

3. Why do you play poker?

Competition. Money matters, but not as much as the thrill of competition. Put it this way, I’ve got over a grand moldering in Neteller. If it was just about money, I’d have cashed that in a long time ago. Either that, or worked on my game to move up.

4. If you weren't playing poker, what would you be doing?

Spending time with my family. Or not. Probably wasting time on my computer playing games or fantasy sports.

5. What is your favorite poker book and why?

Haven’t read one. My mom saw me playing poker with friends, so she bought me Gary Carson’s book for Christmas a couple of years ago (it seems pretty basic), but I haven’t read it cover to cover.

6. Who is your favorite poker player and why?

I like Toto. Sometimes it seems like he’s not even looking at his cards.

7. Which poker player do you dislike the most and why?

Men the Master. He just seems like a pompous blowhard.

8. Do your coworkers know about your blog?

Not that I know of, but then not even my wife knows.

9. What is the most you have won in a cash game or MTT (both live and online)?

Cash Game (live) $200
MTT (online) $550 (WPBT IV second place)
MTT (online) $535 (FullTilt WSOP Horse qualifier)

10. What is the most you have lost in a cash game or in one day total (both live and online)?

I think about $100, I’m pretty chicken. If I lose, I walk.

11. Who was your first poker blog read?

CJ’s Up for Poker

12. What satisfies you more, your aces holding up for a big pot or a bluff working for a big pot?

Oh, bluffs are cool, but I loooooove sucking out.

13. Why do you blog?

I’m one of those blustery types who likes my opinions to be heard, whether or not they’re welcome, whether or not they’re politically correct, whether or not anyone else cares.

14. Do you read blogs from an RSS reader like bloglines or do you visit each blog?

Bloglines, though I visit to comment.

15. Would you rather play poker for a living than do what you currently do for a living?

Nope. Poker is a fun little diversion, but I never want it to seem like work.

16. Do you wear a tin foil hat on occasion?

Only when I wear my tin foil shoes. It’s important to coordinate your accessories.

17. If you had to pin it down to one specific trait, what does a great poker player have (or do) that separates them from an average player?

A total disregard for money.

18. Is Drizz the coolest person on the planet for naming his baby Vegas?

No, I concur with those that say Drizz is BRAVE for suggesting it, and his wife is COOL for accepting it.

19. What is your primary poker goal and are you close to accomplishing it?

Never go net-negative. So far, so good. Roughly + $2000 for my brief tenure.

20. What is your primary online site and why?

FullTilt and Stars, because I’ve had continuing success there with no losses.

21. What site do you dislike and why?

I dislike Party, but I’ll play there when they give me free money (like they did last week). I’m one of those anal guys that will poke around a site for a long time before I’ll deposit money, so I haven’t put any money into any really crappy sites yet. UB has totally effed up their SnG structures, so I won’t consider them anymore.

Side note: Party gave me $30 last week. I've already doubled that in a couple of SnGs. I'll try to run it up over $200, then cash out. If I lose it, que sera sera.

Zoos are cool!

2006-05-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

From the Yahoo wire:

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in
front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident
Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary
macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned. It recovered and fled onto
a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and remain wild animals," it said.
Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident, including photos, on a Dutch Web site. He said one Sloth bear tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose after it took refuge on the structure, built of crossing horizontal and vertical poles. Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and, standing stretched on two legs, "used its sharp canines to pull the macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch."

The bear then brought the animal to a concrete den, where three bears ate it. The zoo said it "usually wasn't possible" for keepers to intervene when an animal killed another.

The park plans now to move the Barbary macaques — which are large monkeys but often inaccurately called "Barbary Apes" — to another part of the park, it said.
-------
Here's the Dutch guys site. Don't go if you like monkeys.

Dead Pool

2006-05-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

Show of hands, who here knows what a “Dead Pool” is? Good, because you’re about to get a chance to review my Dead Pool draft picks.

[By the way, this is the surest sign of a problem gambler. Betting on other people dying is a major karmic red flag.]

Some basic rules: The person had to be famous BEFORE the circumstances that caused their death. Deaths must be before 11/15/06. You can’t have a hand in their death [I supposed this is to prevent someone from gunning someone down to collect the $150+ prize]. Points are compiled in two categories: total deaths and age-related bonus points of 100 minus the age at death, so picking a young soon-to-be-corpse is worth more than a 99-year old codger. Money is 75% to the points leader, 25% to the death leader. Total pool is over $200.

Anyway, I had a mid-round position in the serpentine draft that spanned a week on the WhatIfSports message boards. I was a late addition to the draft, replacing an owner who bailed, but I was willing to put up the $10 entry fee for a chance at fame and glory. My basic strategy was to pick a lot of relatively young, fat drug users or cancer victims and to avoid the obvious 80+ year olds who might die, but not accumulate many points.

Round 1 – Bobcat Goldthwaite – Stand-up comedians have a notoriously short lifespan, and drug-abusing comedians that have lost a lot of weight are always a reasonably safe pick. Side note, Earl Woods went third in the draft, generating all sorts of Olajuwon, Bowie, Jordan references. Earl didn’t even live through the fourth round. The top two picks? Amy Fisher (just busted for drugs) and Tammy Faye Bakker (circling the drain) Other notable picks: Sean Preston Spears (going for the elusive 100-pt bingo), Osama Bin Laden, Michael J. Fox. Best pick: Earl Woods.

Round 2 – John Goodman – Fat guys who weigh over three bills are also pretty safe picks, especially when they haven’t been seen acting recently, a possible sign of health issues. Other notable picks: Lindsay Lohan, Estelle Getty, Ricky Williams. Best pick: Ibrahim Al-Jafaari, anyone even near Iraq is a good pick, especially a politician.

Round 3 – Kate Moss – I really like this pick. Tons of upside here. Young, drug-addicted, bulimic, dangerous lifestyle. Everything points to upside here. Other notable picks: Charlton Heston, Jack Kevorkian, John Daly. Best pick: Verne Troyer, an inspired pick given that “little people” typically don’t live long [sorry, Iggy].

Round 4 (two picks) – Louie Anderson, George Carlin – Back to the drug-addicted comedian route. Anderson gets bonus points for obesity and depression, Carlin is in his sixties and must be getting ready to find that spotlight in the sky. You start to see theme picks here with Golden Girls (Bea Arthur and Betty White) and fat coaches (Charlie Weis and Rick Majerus). Best pick: Steven Hawking, amazingly only 64 years old and not likely to be brilliant much longer.

Round 5 – Andy Rooney, John Forsythe – Departed from the basic strategy to get two dusty old television veterans. I didn’t even know John Forsythe was still alive until my wife watched the Dynasty reunion show and I saw the rapidly declining Forsythe. He can barely stand up, let alone make it to November. Ditto for the cantankerous Rooney. Best pick: Keith Richards, who had fallen but had gotten up at the time of the draft. Reports were that the head wound wasn’t serious, so he dropped to the fifth round. Subsequent reports have him in surgery, making this pick like a Willis McGahee pick.

Round 6 – Mike Metzger, Doyle Brunson – This was two days before Metzger’s jump at Caesar’s Palace. I figured I had a chance at a 70-pt bingo if he went Evel on me, but essentially ended up wasting the pick. Other than Stuey Ungar, no legend of poker have died recently. Dolly seemed the obvious pick to break that trend. Best pick: Gary Busey, a drug-abusing motorcycle rider who doesn’t always wear a helmet? Sign me up.

Round 7 – Superstar Billy Graham, Bobby the Brain – Ahhh, my wrassling theme picks. Wrestlers don’t live long. While it was tempting to go more mainstream with my wrestling picks (Jesse the Body, Hulk Hogan, etc.), I went for the old Kayfabers with known tumor issues. Best pick: Arthur Lee, recently diagnosed with acute leukemia to add to his list of drug use, prison time, and rock star status. Will be a first round pick if he survives until December.

Round 8 (three picks) - Angela Landsbury, Dick van Dyke, Jerry van Dyke – Not picks I’m proud of. I dithered between the van Dyke brothers (both of whom are old and worth relatively few points) and the Olsen twins (one of whom is young and a bulimic drug abuser). Oh well. Best pick: David Blaine, I considered him, but didn’t go with my gut. Now, rumor has it that his body is breaking down from literally living in a fish bowl.

Round 9 – Montel Williams, Naomi Judd, Wilfredo Benitez – Three strong picks, cancer survivors’ bodies typically break down more frequently and more catastrophically. Benitez has similar symptoms to Muhammad Ali, but is much younger and living in Latin America, hardly the best place to get healthier. Best picks: Fats Domino, reportedly very sick, and Suge Knight, always a potential drive-by victim. I had both guys on my radar, but had them snaked out from under me.

Round 10 – Zeljko Rebraca, Bobby Hamilton, Marco Andretti – In order, irregular heartbeat and freakishly tall, cancer surviving NASCAR driver, and Indy rookie. Indy qualifying always has horrifying crashes and rookie drivers are typically involved. Rebraca was found by Google-ing “irregular heartbeat NBA”.

I’m not entirely thrilled with all of my selections. I had done research on several people prior to the draft and didn’t pick them soon enough. My favorite pick by far is Kate Moss. My missed pick is Suge Knight. He's just about due to be capped. As with most drafts, once the Dead Pool season begins, we’ll have some surprises and some “sleepers”. Get it? “Sleepers”?! Oh god, I kill myself.

Some random things that piss me off:

2006-05-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Decaf in the morning - What the hell is the point! There’s this guy who gets to work at around the same time I do (800am). If I see him in the parking lot, I rush ahead of him to the elevators. If I see him in the hallway walking toward the kitchen, I run. Why? Because this assclown makes DECAF coffee! We have one of those three burner coffee systems with one brewing station and each pot takes about ten minutes to brew. So if he beats me to the station, I’ll have to WAIT for my morning coffee, which my wife will tell you is a bad thing. If you don’t want CAFFEINE in the morning, get the hell out of my way! Drink fucking hot chocolate or tea or something! Coffee has one purpose, to wake my sorry ass up so I don’t pass out at my desk.

Useless Little League dads – OK, so I understand that not all dads play baseball well, and not all dads know their catcher’s mitt from their batting gloves. But goddamit, get your ass out there and help! Hold the hitting stick, shag overthrows, police the kids that are screwing around. Don’t just sit there like a fucking lump! We all know that they’re shitty ballplayers and don’t want to embarrass themselves and their sons. We. Don’t. Care. Get out there and help the coaches! At least volunteer… If they don’t need you, they’ll tell you.

School projects that parents do instead of their kids – You should see this shit. They want us to believe that their little paste-eating tornado of hyperactivity hand-lettered the multi-staged science project that analyzes the chemical reaction of Cobalt and Cesium in a partial-vacuum. Bullshit. All you’re teaching your kid is how to take credit for someone else’s work, so they’ll grow up to be plagiarizing, bootlicking incompetents. Congratulations.

“Would you like the value meal?” or “Would you like some fries with that?” – Listen, you pimply faced dork, if I wanted a fucking value meal, I’d say “Give me the Value Meal. Since I didn’t, you can assume that I just want my goddamn burger!” It’s not like I’m an interplanetary immigrant who is learning the benefits of American fast food convenience order-placing.

Michelle Wie – Whoop-de-fucking-do. She made a cut in a men’s’ tournament. In a minor league men’s tournament. In a minor league men’s tournament in Korea. This is roughly like Manon Rheaume (who was much better looking, but I digress) playing minor league men’s hockey in the Philippines or something. She still hasn’t won a single trophy against WOMEN, and people are trumpeting her “accomplishment” because she made the cut against a bunch of 5’3” dry cleaners and gardeners. Now, if she can beat those dry cleaners and gardeners, that might be something. But in all likelihood, she’ll end up behind by double digits by the end and still call it “a victory”. Nice to have such incredible talent combined with an incredibly low bar for oneself.

Why Full Tilt Poker has my business...

2006-05-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Tilter,

As a player who has already earned an entry into our WSOP $50K HORSE Qualifier tournament, we want to inform you about an important date change.

Harrah's and the World Series of Poker just announced that they have moved the $50K HORSE tournament from Tuesday, July 25th to Wednesday, July 12th. In order to ensure that the winners of our online qualifier has enough time to secure their travel and hotel reservations in Las Vegas, we are moving our WSOP $50K HORSE Qualifier tournament from 4:30PM ET
on Saturday, July 8th to 4:30PM ET on Saturday, July 1st.

You have been automatically registered for our July 1st tournament, and we apologize for any inconvenience this change may cause. If you are unable to play in our WSOP $50K HORSE Qualifier on July 1st, you can unregister from the tournament to receive $535 cash in your account.

Feel free to contact us at support@fulltiltpoker.com if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Team Full Tilt

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I took the $535 for a few reasons.

1. I've already planned a family vacation for the weekend of 7/1, the new qualifying weekend
2. I'm scheduled for a Certification Training during the new week of the WSOP $50K HORSE
3. Money talks

Awesome service from FTP! You guys rock!